THE DINGALING BROTHERS & CHEF G. CIRCUS: A Meal for Kids of All Ages

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a circus clown on laughing gas to be back with my 60th episode of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

Speaking of circus clowns, I'm sure you know I've earned the America's Goofiest Celebrity Chef Award for three years in a row, and I'm also sure you've noticed that EVERY episode of my cooking channel is a clown show.  Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I'm finally going to present the circus-themed meal you've all been waiting for.

Chef G. in his clown regalia

It has been several decades since I last attended a circus, yet I vividly remember the FUN (hilarious antics of the crazy clowns), the SIGHTS (trapeze artists flipping in mid-air & monkeys riding bicycles), the SOUNDS (bizarre calliope music), and the SMELLS (urine-soaked straw and elephant poop) of the big top extravaganza.  Most of all, I remember the TASTES (caramel apples, cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, hotdogs, corn dogs, soda pop, etc.)

If you, too, have fond memories of those deliciously sweet treats and salty snacks, you'll be very pleased with the meal I'm about to present.  The recipes involve circus foods, but with plenty of gourmet twists from the twisted mind of ME, Chef G.

The recipes will be family friendly too.  Yes, you can make them with your children.  The kids will love how my circus meal might involve enough super-processed junk food to make them vomit in ways the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey never imagined.

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THE MENU: A Three Ring Circus of Deliciousness

• Popcorn (Pan-popped in coconut oil and heavily sprinkled with exotic sea salt)
• Caramel Apple (Ripe fruit with a delicate, sugary coating)
• Hotdog Extraordinaire (Tender all-beef wiener, grilled over the finest charcoals from the upper midwest, placed in a carefully selected cheap bun, and topped with economically minded mustard.)
• Soda Pop (Tropical, citrusy, hazy and hoppy.)

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The popcorn course is quite simple, as you will see in the following photos.  The CHEF G. TWIST is that no microwave or air popper machinery was involved in the preparation.  (None of that yellowy stuff you see on movie theater popcorn either)

All you need is coconut oil, popcorn seeds, a pan, and sea salt.

Turn a burner up to medium and heat the popcorn in the oil.  Shake the pan frequently.  Then comes the magic of little seeds bursting into fluffy white flowers.  I made a video of that transformation.  Check it out. 

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The caramel apple course is also pretty easy.  The CHEF G. TWIST on this one is that I substituted the apple with a different fruit.  I guess you could call it a "caramel raisin."

Only two ingredients

Unwrap about 20 soft caramels, roll them into a ball with your hands, then smash the ball as flat as you can.  Place a raisin (a chocolate covered raisin for extra sweetness) in the middle and roll it all back into a ball.  Finally, push a little wooden stick into the middle.

The nice thing about a caramel raisin is that it's almost as big as a caramel apple, but it has more of the sugary caramel, and less of the healthy fruit.

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The beverage course was curated by yours truly.  The CHEF G. TWIST is that he paired his meal with a special kind of soda pop.

For the adult children only

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The main course is something very special.  I intended it to be a foot-long hotdog because I haven't had one of those things in a long time.  Incredibly, I couldn't find foot-longs in any of MY Town's three grocery stores.  Each of them had huge coolers full of hotdogs, with many brands.  Most of the brands had regular sized wieners, bun sized wieners, jumbo sized wieners, etc., but none of them had foot-long wieners.  What's up with that?

The CHEF G. TWIST is that I came up with a solution to the foot-long problem. 

I taped two regular-sized hotdogs together.

Then I heated up some charcoals and put my foot-long on the grate.

Here is the complete circus meal.  Now THAT'S some good eatin'.

Mongolian Beef, Chef G. Style

Hi folks, Chef G. here.  It has only been a day since my last episode, which makes this post unprecedented in the annals of Chef G. Cooking Channel history.  Let's just say, "I'm happier than a religious figure who has risen from the dead to be entertaining the world once again."

I'm not claiming to be a true religious figure but, let's face it, I DO have a huge cult-like following.

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I've never been to Mongolia, and the only things I know about the Mongolian culture is that they know how to endure cold weather, they herd yaks, and they pretty much invented yurts.

Chef G. from Outer Mongolia.  Way, way out of Outer Mongolia.

A yak

A yurt

I assume Mongolians invented Mongolian Beef too, but I can't be sure of that.  I was more than a little disappointed when I learned General Tso's Chicken--a staple at every Chinese restaurant in America--does not even exist in China.  In the same way, could it be that Mongolian Beef has no relationship to authentic Mongolian cooking?  Probably, but I don't even want to know the truth about that.

Mongolian Beef is one of my go-to dishes when I eat at Asian restaurants--along with Szechuan Chicken, Pork Lo Mein, Sushi, and any Thai dish that includes noodles.

I'm going to assume AUTHENTIC Mongolian chefs use yak meat, not cow meat, when cooking over an open flame inside their yurts.  I have no access to yak meat here in Minnesota, and I don't have a yurt.  Therefore, I'll substitute cow meat and a cheap electric stove in a warm kitchen for this recipe.  

The first step is to add 1/4 cup of corn starch to 1/2 lb. of thinly sliced sirloin and shake it around in a zip-lock baggie.  (Similar to how my mom used to make Shake 'n Bake in the 1970's.)  Then stir fry the beef in a very hot pan.  When browned on both sides, set the beef aside.

Next, mix 1/2 cup of brown sugar with 1/2 cup of soy sauce.

Add minced ginger and garlic to the same bowl.

Whisk it all together

Here's a picture of the beef I set aside.

The next step is to add slivered carrots and sliced onions to the brown sugar, soy sauce, ginger & garlic mixture.  Cook for about two minutes.

Prepare some delicious Jasmine rice according to directions on the package.

Get some green onions and red pepper flakes ready.  They'll be used for garnish and extra flavor.

Add the reserved beef to the pan.  It will be looking delicious after a few minutes of stir frying.

Add the green onions and red chilis.  Then serve over the rice.

I'll tell you one thing right now.  My Mongolian Beef was delicious, whether it was authentic or not.  The meat was tender and perfectly browned, the sauce was absolutely perfect, the aromatic vegetables were aromatic, the carrots were a scrumptious addition, and the heat was just riiiiight.  I congratulated myself after eating it.  You can congratulate me too after you've cooked the recipe yourself.

Chef G. Makes A Sandwich

Hi folks, Chef G. here!  After a flurry of excellent food blogging back in June, I took a long, well-deserved summer vacation which included a couple of bicycle trips and lots of laziness.  Today, it's time to get back to the serious business of being a celebrity chef, and I'm surprisingly happy about going to work again.  In fact, I'm happier than a film buff who just watched five Coen Brothers movies in a row.  I'm happier than a drunken wine aficionado visiting Napa Valley.  I'm happier than a tyrannosaurus rex chowing down on mastodon meat.  

I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how happy I am, but I'm not going to.  That would be excessive.  I mean, all of my millions of fans know that I'm a humble man, a man of few words, a man who wouldn't go to such great lengths to lengthen a paragraph with unnecessary verbiage and dumb jokes.

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Today's topic is sandwiches.  I've made several of them in past episodes.  Off hand, I can remember putting the unique Chef G. spin on a Juicy Lucy, a Reuben, a pizza burger, a grilled cheese with ham, a BLT and a chicken salad sandwich.  You can look up those recipes someday if you get really bored.  

I like sandwiches because good ones contain something from all of the food groups.  The BEST ones are heavy on the #1 most important food group--meat.

Last week, Mrs. Chef G. and I brought my dad to a fast-food restaurant called "Freddies Frozen Custard & Steak Burgers" in Waterloo, Iowa.  To my surprise, my dad ordered a Pork Tenderloin Sandwich.  It was one of the few items on the menu other than variations on "steak burgers."  (By the way, what they call "steak burgers" looked and tasted an awful lot like what I call "hamburgers."  Don't worry, though, I didn't go so far as to register a complaint with management about it.)  

Anyway, my dad's pork tenderloin sandwich is what gave me the idea to try making one of those middle American delicacies for my cooking blog.  I've had one of those monsters in the past, and it was okay at best.  However, that thing my dad was eating looked a lot better than my Freddies Original Double, which consisted of not one, but two patties of steak burger.  Maybe a PTS was worth a try?

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It seems small town diners in states like Texas, Oklahoma, Iowa and Indiana take great pride in their versions of the Pork Tenderloin Sandwich--especially when it comes to how far they can extend the breaded greasy meat beyond the bun.

Here are a couple of PTS pictures I stole from the internet.

I think they try to use small hamburger buns to emphasize the largeness of the meat.

No bun on earth could cover this thing.  In the Pork Tenderloin Sandwich world, bigger is better, I guess.

Chef G. F--ks Up and Settles for a Substitute Sandwich

Note the humiliation and dumbfoundedness on Chef G.'s face after he realized he wasn't infallible after all.

Oh yeah, I planned all along to slice up a big pork tenderloin, pound the slices into flat slabs, dip the slabs into egg & milk & bread crumbs, and fry them in hot oil.  

Unfortunately, this afternoon I found that I forgot to defrost the pork tenderloin I had in the freezer.  As a result, everything I've written about pork tenderloin sandwiches so far is all for nothing. 

Never one to waste perfectly good words and paragraphs, I could not bring myself to hit the "Cancel Post" button.  So, I scrambled to find ingredients to make a substitute sandwich.  Luckily, I had enough stuff in my refrigerator to make a passable Philadelphia Cheese Steak Sandwich.  Here are a few photos of how I made my substitute sandwich--they're a testament to my impromptu cooking genius:

I sliced some sirloin steak as thin as possible.

Onions are the second most important ingredient after the steak.

I didn't have the third most important ingredient for my ad lib recipe--that would be green peppers.  Therefore, salt and pepper became the third and fourth most important ingredients.

Heat up some olive oil.

Get some shredded cheese ready.  Provolone is the cheese of choice for Philadelphia Cheese Steak experts.  I didn't have Provolone.  In the heat of the moment, I had to go with Mozzarella.

Slice a decent bakery bun in half and assemble the Philly Cheese Steak.

The meat and onions are ready to scoop onto the bun.

I sprinkled the Mozzarella on top and chowed down on one of my best sandwiches ever.

So, I guess you could say I pulled the old bait & switch trick.  Sorry about that.  Chef G.'s pork tenderloin sandwich will have to wait for a future episode.  I believe I have the ability to make the biggest one anybody has ever seen.   

 

COOL CHEF COOKS COOL DISH, PART 2: The Outlaw Chef G.

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm as happy as an innocent man who escaped police custody to be here for this Chef G. Cooking Channel presentation.  In case you're not one of the millions of fans who watched the last episode of my brilliant cooking show, I actually was an innocent man taken into custody. I'll bring you up to date. 

When I was concluding my post about a cool, light, and refreshing salad, I was about to reveal the cool, light and refreshing dish I was planning to make next time.  Suddenly, a horde of masked law enforcement personnel burst onto the scene, cut off my broadcast, and arrested me for "treason."

 I've been sensing a revolution at the Chef G. Cooking Channel for a while now.  Just look at how the network bigwigs brought in a substitute host recently.  I mean, really, a substitute for ME--the finest celebrity chef in my neighborhood.  And don't forget how they forced me to star in some of the stupidest advertisements in internet history, just to raise a little revenue. It's all about money for those bastards.

 Or is it something more nefarious?  Something like a conspiracy to humiliate me, make me look like a sell-out, tarnish my noble reputation, and oust me from my position as the face of The Chef G. Cooking Channel? 

I know who they are. They're a cabal of oligarchs, right wing celebrity chefs who are jealous of my success, and a couple of rogue Chef G. Cooking Channel producers.  Their goal is to silence my liberal cooking philosophy, and to permanently remove me from my own show and replace me with their KING who adheres to the "Cooking Project 2025."

 The worst part is that their leader seems to be a little unhinged.  Yup, even more unhinged than ME.

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Despite their unconstitutional efforts, I am back to cook again.  I used my strongly strong strength to break the handcuffs and escape the custody of the secret police.  A few days later, I reunited with my camera crew who fully supports my free speech rights to share my cooking genius with the entire world.  

Thanks to my one-man camera crew, I am able to broadcast this episode from an undisclosed location.

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SPRING ROLLS

A long time ago, Son of Chef G. made spring rolls for Mrs. Chef G. and me. They were delicious.  I can't believe it took me more than two decades to make a batch of them myself.  I might never have made them had I not been looking for a dish that was "cool, light & refreshing" last week.  Spring rolls require quite a bit of work, and today I had more time than I had last week when I settled for a delicious salad.

I learned spring rolls are a very versatile dish.  The only requirement is a package of rice papers.  Beyond that, you can wrap pretty much any kind of chopped meats and/or vegetables inside the rice paper.  Then you can serve them cold, or you can steam them, or you can fry them, or you can bake them.  

Here is a photodocumentary about how I made Chef G-Style Spring Rolls.

 

The first thing you need is a package of spring roll wrappers, aka, rice paper.

Then you can chop up pretty much any kind of meat and vegetables you want to put inside the wrapper.  I used ground pork, carrot, cabbage, green onion, red pepper flakes, garlic and ginger.  I mixed them all together with a little soy sauce and hoisin sauce.

Another ingredient you'll want is rice vermicelli.  I added that to my meat/veggie/sauce mix.

Dip one of the rice papers in water to make it more pliable.  Fill it with 2 or 3 tablespoons of the meat/vegetable mixture.  Fold the ends toward the middle and roll it up from the bottom like a burrito.

This is what they'll look like.  I served half of them cold.  They were delicious.

 

I fried the other half.  They didn't turn out so good.  They fell apart on me.  Maybe I need a little more practice in the art of deep frying.

I forgot to mention that I mixed up a dipping sauce for the fried spring rolls.  I also forgot how I made it.

Technically, I'm still a fugitive.  The good news is that I LIKE being a fugitive.  It adds a little excitement to my life, and I cannot wait to transmit my next episode from another secret location somewhere in the world.