Chef G.'s Viral Music Videos

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a great white shark feeding on the leg of a California surfer to be here.  That's because this episode will be like nothing you've ever seen here on The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  It will feature another example of my incredible versatility.  

Today I'm not going to brag about my amazing-ness in the kitchen.  I'm not going to brag about all the other amazing artistic skills you've seen on this blog either.  Why should I?  You already know about the flowing wordsmithery of my prose, the surreal imagery of my poems, the riveting watchability of my videos, the professional-grade quality of my photography, the beauty of my crayon drawings, the intelligence of my podcast, etc. etc. etc.

True, all those things are pretty gosh-darned wonderful, but I have recently become famous for another incredible artistic skill:  I am part of a songwriting team whose recent hits are dominating the Billboard Hot 100.  If Casey Kasem was still alive, our songs would also be #1 and #2 on his American Top 40 radio broadcast.  In case you are out of touch with today's exciting new world of music, here's the story.  

Chef G. collaborated with his equally weird brother, Chef Rickron.  Based on a couple poems Chef G. wrote for his blog, Chef Rickron created the music with the aid of Artificial Intelligence.  Chef Rickron has copyright ownership, and he kindly gave permission to post the songs here.

Better than that, Chef G., relying on his infinite creativity, produced YouTube videos of those hit songs.  Both of them have become internet sensations.   

I know you're excited to see and hear the videos, so I'll keep the introductions as brief as possible.  Rock on, dudes and chicks!

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I wrote the lyrics for "The Bunny Bread Song" for my last post (episode 64).  The poem is based on a favorite brand of bread from my childhood.  Chef Rickron saw the words and used his technical wizardry to put it to music.  The song is currently #2 on the Billboard charts. 

Here's the bread.  Next comes the song.

Number ONE on the Billboard Hot 100 is the Chef G./Chef Rickron hit "Ode To My Morning Cup of Coffee."  The poem appeared on episode #38 of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

As the title of the song suggests, I really like coffee.  See and hear the song by clicking on the video below.

 

Look, I hate Artificial Intelligence as much as the next guy, but I'm willing to accept that it has some positive applications in today's world.  One of the MOST positive applications is making Chef G. even more famous and well-loved than ever.

Thank you for watching.

CHEF G. CHEFSPLAINS BREAD

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here for another amazing episode of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  All I can say is that I'm happier than a rabbit munching in Mrs. Chef G.'s garden to be with you once again.  And let me tell you, the jaws of those furry, big-eared, cotton-tailed rodents can chew with amazing speed.  In fact, even before the garden plants came in, I was watching with amazement as our neighborhood rabbits ate dandelions on my lawn.  They'd pick the stem close to the ground, lift their heads upward, and nibble the rest of the weed in the same way as The Lady and the Tramp slurped spaghetti.  Unfortunately, the only photograph I have of the munching bunnies is in my memory.  So, if you want to see what I saw, you'll have to settle for a crayon sketch.

Yup, that's exactly how they do it.

So, what does all that stuff about bunnies have to do with bread?  Patience, Chef G.-niuses; allow me to explain.

Back in the 1960's, most kids grew up with the kind of white bread produced, most famously, by the Wonder Bread Company.  I was one of those little punks.

Ah yes, I remember the packaging with all those colorful dots.

Across the country, there were many regional brands that made bland bread too.  I was lucky enough to live in Marquette, Michigan--the home of a large Bunny Bread factory.  Sure, Bunny Bread tasted just like Wonder Bread, but I liked Bunny Bread better because it had a cartoon rabbit as its mascot. 

An internet photo of the Marquette Bunny Bread factory before it went out of business and was demolished.

I managed to survive without Bunny Bread in the ensuing years.  In fact, I discovered bread made in local bakeries and such exotic things as rye bread, crusty bread, sourdough bread, multi-grained bread, and other varieties.  HOOO BOY! All of those breads are tasty.

[An aside: I have a little secret for you.  It's a secret that very few celebrity chefs will tell you: Hotdog buns, hamburger buns, bratwurst buns, hoagie buns, cudighi buns, slider buns, ciabatta buns, kaiser buns, dinner rolls, baguettes, etc., etc., etc. etc.--well, they're all just bread in different shapes and sizes.] 

  

Going back to my Bunny Bread story, imagine my surprise when I was on a bicycle tour along the Mississippi River from New Orleans to St.Paul.  The surprise happened inside a grocery store in the small town of Woodville, Mississippi.  I found some cheap deli meat to make sandwiches in my cheap motel room. Next, I needed to find some bread. When I got to the bread department, I almost crapped my bike shorts when I saw this:

"Either a southern company bought the Bunny Bread brand and they're still making it," I thought, "or this loaf has been stale and moldy for at least 20 years."  

Turns out, the loaf was soft and fresh.  I made a couple of cheap sandwiches, with cheap bread, in my cheap motel room, and carried the rest of the loaf on my bike for the next couple days.

PART TWO:  Ode to Bunny Bread

Oh, sweet Bunny Bread,

I see you are not dead,

You live in Mississippi,

As well as in my head.

I used to think it was pretty funny,

That bread could be baked by a cartoon bunny,

But now that I am no longer a kid,

I know rabbits didn't bake it, people did.

I know this is some pretty bad verse,

But I assure you, I've written worse,

I simply felt some impromptu inspiration,

To pay tribute to the best bread in all the nation.

PART THREE:  Simple Bread Recipes Anybody Can Make

While this episode is about bread, it isn't about baking bread at home.  That ain't gonna happen on the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Sure, I love the aroma and the taste of homemade bread, but I'm a stir-fryer, roaster, griller & magician of meat--not a baker.  I just use bread to make things that are delicious. I'm going to tell you about a few such things that I've made lately.

The idea for an episode about bread began when I was shopping in my local mega-grocery store.  The bread aisle had a dizzying display of pure white bread products.  I resisted all of them, though I was tempted to buy a loaf of Bimbo Bread.

DIZZYING!

The only thing I found in the dizzying display that compares to the Bunny Bread Cartoon was the cute baby polar bear cartoon on the Bimbo Soft White Bread package.  I kind of felt bad about tossing the Bimbo product back on the shelf.

Anyway, here are a few simple recipes that use bread.  If I can turn one single person onto the joy of bread, I will consider my life complete. (Unless you have Celiac Disease, gluten allergies, diabetes, or carbohydrate induced obesity.  I sure don't want to have to pay off another multi-million-dollar lawsuit for bad nutrition advice.)

There is no doubt in my mind that the best use of bread is for SANDWICHES.  I love sandwiches.  Grilled cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches, roast beef sandwiches, turkey sandwiches, pastrami sandwiches, baloney (bologna) sandwiches, chicken salad sandwiches, BLT's, Club sandwiches, hot beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes and gravy, Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, Italian meatball sandwiches, Bahn Mi, Po Boys, Bratwursts, hamburgers, I could go on and on.  They're ALL good because bread makes them good.  I think I'd eat squid guts or live slugs as long as they were positioned between a couple pieces of bread with a little butter, mayo, or mustard.

Check out this sandwich.  A couple weeks ago, I slow-grilled a small brisket.  It was delicious.  The next day, I made brisket sliders with the leftovers.

I knew good brisket would result in good brisket sandwiches for the rest of the week.  MMMmmm.

For this recipe, I simply spread a dollop of mustard on a slice of multi-grain bread, tossed a generous amount of freshly sliced deli ham on top, and capped it off with another piece of bread.  You could also add a slice of Muenster cheese and a big lettuce leaf if you want.  I didn't.

For a variation on the above recipe, you can replace the mustard, ham, cheese and lettuce with peanut butter.  That's good too.

Toasting is the simplest way to cook bread.  All you have to do is put a slice in the toaster.  Every American household has a toaster.  But if you want to take toast to a higher level, you will toast the bread on a charcoal grill.  If done correctly, it will be the most delicious piece of toast you've ever had. The following video will instruct you how to do it.

Thank you for reading my super-deep poetry and epistemology on bread.  Rest assured, I'll be back with something even more bizarre very soon.

 

Chef G. Expands His Evil Media Tentacles

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and thank you so much for the huge round of applause. Let me start today's show by saying I'm happier than a python who just ingested a whole pig to be here. I'll tell you why. 

As you are well aware, The Chef G. Cooking Channel has offered a long history of entertaining and revolutionary cooking shows, but this should be the most entertaining and revolutionary episode yet. That's because The Chef G. Media Empire will be issuing a major, major, major, MAJOR press release in the next few days.

But this morning I asked myself, "why should the 50-million readers* of my blog have to wait even one more minute for the major, major, major, MAJOR announcement?"

"Good question," I replied to myself, "something MUST be done about such an injustice."

That inner dialog is what convinced me to leak the huge, huge, huge, HUGE announcement right here, right now. That's right, as a “thank you” for your loyalty and admiration, you folks get to hear it first: 

Chef G. is branching out into the lucrative world of radio podcasting.

Podcasts seem to be all the rage these days. Even doofuses like Joe Rogan, Megyn Kelly, Tucker Carlson, and Taylor Swift's boyfriend are making big bucks from their podcasts. Why shouldn't I cash in too?

And here comes the best part. I'm going to provide all of you Chef G-niuses,** with a sneak preview of my podcast before it gets released to the general public. So, without further ado, I invite you to join in on an excerpt from the pilot episode of The Chef G. Food Podcast.

Footnotes in small print:

*In Chef G.'s world, “one-million” equals “about 1..” However, that equation is going to change dramatically when the world discovers my podcast. I'm talking about hundreds of millions of followers and tens of millions of U.S. Dollars flowing straight into in my pocket.

**As a rock star in the chef world, I thought I should give my fans a name . . . something similar to Deadheads, Swifties, Beatlemaniacs, Nirvana Nation, Kiss Army, Rolling Stoners, etc. You gotta admit, "Chef G-niuses" is incredibly clever.

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Hi folks. I'm back live now. If you liked what you heard, I encourage you to download "The Chef G. Food Podcast" App from Spitify, Crapple, Spewtube, I Hate Radio, Goggle, Oddible, or any of the other podcast providers.

PART TWO

I sense there are two or three of you who didn't even bother to click the play button on "The Chef G. Food Podcast."  You don't give a rat's ass about ANY podcast by ANYBODY. You just want to see what I've been cooking this week. Okay, I get it. Here comes a bonus section for you folks.

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Tomato season has been going on for about a few weeks here in Minnesota. I have a couple neighbors who have more tomatoes than they can handle and are begging me and Mrs. Chef G. to take their excess tomatoes off their vines. They don't have to ask me twice. And I don't have to tell my Chef G-niuses that fresh, garden-grown tomatoes are 15-times tastier than grocery store tomatoes. That's a scientific fact.

They taste as good as they look . . . and they're FREE.

The bigger tomatoes came from another generous neighbor's garden.  They're just as delicious and the same price--zero dollars per pound.

In the last two weeks I've used fresh tomatoes to make several Bacon Lettuce & Tomato sandwiches, tossed salads, and a big batch of salsa.  I also used a few in a jambalaya yesterday.  But delicious garden tomatoes don't have to be used in recipes. I have no problem eating small tomatoes like grapes, and large tomatoes like apples.

Holy bloodygoshdammit, that was one fine BLT.

Small tomatoes are even BETTER than grapes, in my opinion.

A couple weeks ago, I turned down one of our neighbors' offer of even more tomatoes.  She really needed to unload them, but I really thought I had enough to last for weeks.  When I told Mrs. Chef G., she overruled me on that one.  She went back to get more tomatoes from that neighbor. Then she reminded me that tomatoes can be frozen for future recipes—like soup, stew, chili, pasta sauce, and a few other dishes I like to cook.  I hate it when she's right.

Two Celebrity Chefs, Two Steaks, One Champion

Cow Meat Galore in the Grocery Store

Cows seen while on my bicycle trip in Kansas this spring.

 Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a long-horn steer grazing in a grassy pasture to be here for another episode of my highly acclaimed cooking program.  I have made friends with many cows over the years. I speak to them often when I'm out riding my bike.  Our conversations make me truly wish I had the inner strength to be a vegetarian.  Alas, I have more inner weakness than inner strength.

My weakness stems from my love of a good steak, and today I had a craving for a good steak.  I also had a craving to write another Chef G. Cooking Channel episode.  Most of all I had a craving to go up against my arch enemy, mano a mano, in a steak grilling contest.

Holy cow, can you believe the price of beef these days?

So, I sent an e-mail to the one dude who is probably my top competitor in the world of celebrity chefs.  Incredibly, he accepted my challenge--but only after my team and I agreed to a couple of conditions.  First, we must allow him to be disguised at all times during filming, and second, we are forbidden to identify him by name.  What the heck?

I resisted, but my producers agreed to his cowardly demands.  It's okay though.  It's still a win-win for both of us famous chefs.  I get the satisfaction of humiliating him in a cook-off, and he gets the honor of being a guest on the world's most beloved cooking show.

LET'S MEET THE CHEFS 

The great and powerful CHEF G. versus . . .

 . . .The cowardly British chef in disguise

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Well, let's get down to the business of grilling, shall we?  As the host, I deferred to my opponent to get the cook-off started.  

Living up to his famously foul-mouthed reputation, the British chef immediately went off on a tirade.  (Warning to parents of young children:  There is some bad language in the next two videos.  Please cover your kids' sensitive ears.)

I'm sure you noticed how my British opponent's accent vacillated between English, Irish, Australian & German during his narrative.  He claims that was part of his plan to disguise his identity.  Ha!  In my opinion, the guy is a pretentious phony.

You can remove your hands from your kids' ears now.  In contrast to my hysterical opponent, I remained calm, cool, collected, and clean.  In the next two videos, check out my calmness, collectedness, and especially my COOLNESS while under intense pressure.

I took care to season my steak.  Then I lovingly massaged the salt and pepper into the meat.  My opponent threw his meat on the grill with no additional effort.

At the end of the grilling competition, the two famous chefs tasted each other's steaks.  Chef Gordo Ramses (name altered at his demand) declared my steak to be worthy of a "Masterchef" trophy and a head chef position at one of his restaurants.  I declared his steak to be worth a Gold Medal for dryness and flavorlessness.  I took pity on him though, and offered him a position as a dish washer in my kitchen.  He said he'd give it some thought.

 

Chef G.'s steak, cooked to a perfect rare-to-medium rare, and topped with a mix of red & yellow onions sauteed in butter.  Oh man, it was soooo delicious.

 

I am so proud to finally be declared the greatest living celebrity chef.  Next, I'm going after you, Julia Child, for the title of "Greatest Celebrity Chef of All Time."