Chef G. Expands His Evil Media Tentacles

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and thank you so much for the huge round of applause. Let me start today's show by saying I'm happier than a python who just ingested a whole pig to be here. I'll tell you why. 

As you are well aware, The Chef G. Cooking Channel has offered a long history of entertaining and revolutionary cooking shows, but this should be the most entertaining and revolutionary episode yet. That's because The Chef G. Media Empire will be issuing a major, major, major, MAJOR press release in the next few days.

But this morning I asked myself, "why should the 50-million readers* of my blog have to wait even one more minute for the major, major, major, MAJOR announcement?"

"Good question," I replied to myself, "something MUST be done about such an injustice."

That inner dialog is what convinced me to leak the huge, huge, huge, HUGE announcement right here, right now. That's right, as a “thank you” for your loyalty and admiration, you folks get to hear it first: 

Chef G. is branching out into the lucrative world of radio podcasting.

Podcasts seem to be all the rage these days. Even doofuses like Joe Rogan, Megyn Kelly, Tucker Carlson, and Taylor Swift's boyfriend are making big bucks from their podcasts. Why shouldn't I cash in too?

And here comes the best part. I'm going to provide all of you Chef G-niuses,** with a sneak preview of my podcast before it gets released to the general public. So, without further ado, I invite you to join in on an excerpt from the pilot episode of The Chef G. Food Podcast.

Footnotes in small print:

*In Chef G.'s world, “one-million” equals “about 1..” However, that equation is going to change dramatically when the world discovers my podcast. I'm talking about hundreds of millions of followers and tens of millions of U.S. Dollars flowing straight into in my pocket.

**As a rock star in the chef world, I thought I should give my fans a name . . . something similar to Deadheads, Swifties, Beatlemaniacs, Nirvana Nation, Kiss Army, Rolling Stoners, etc. You gotta admit, "Chef G-niuses" is incredibly clever.

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Hi folks. I'm back live now. If you liked what you heard, I encourage you to download "The Chef G. Food Podcast" App from Spitify, Crapple, Spewtube, I Hate Radio, Goggle, Oddible, or any of the other podcast providers.

PART TWO

I sense there are two or three of you who didn't even bother to click the play button on "The Chef G. Food Podcast."  You don't give a rat's ass about ANY podcast by ANYBODY. You just want to see what I've been cooking this week. Okay, I get it. Here comes a bonus section for you folks.

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Tomato season has been going on for about a few weeks here in Minnesota. I have a couple neighbors who have more tomatoes than they can handle and are begging me and Mrs. Chef G. to take their excess tomatoes off their vines. They don't have to ask me twice. And I don't have to tell my Chef G-niuses that fresh, garden-grown tomatoes are 15-times tastier than grocery store tomatoes. That's a scientific fact.

They taste as good as they look . . . and they're FREE.

The bigger tomatoes came from another generous neighbor's garden.  They're just as delicious and the same price--zero dollars per pound.

In the last two weeks I've used fresh tomatoes to make several Bacon Lettuce & Tomato sandwiches, tossed salads, and a big batch of salsa.  I also used a few in a jambalaya yesterday.  But delicious garden tomatoes don't have to be used in recipes. I have no problem eating small tomatoes like grapes, and large tomatoes like apples.

Holy bloodygoshdammit, that was one fine BLT.

Small tomatoes are even BETTER than grapes, in my opinion.

A couple weeks ago, I turned down one of our neighbors' offer of even more tomatoes.  She really needed to unload them, but I really thought I had enough to last for weeks.  When I told Mrs. Chef G., she overruled me on that one.  She went back to get more tomatoes from that neighbor. Then she reminded me that tomatoes can be frozen for future recipes—like soup, stew, chili, pasta sauce, and a few other dishes I like to cook.  I hate it when she's right.

Two Celebrity Chefs, Two Steaks, One Champion

Cow Meat Galore in the Grocery Store

Cows seen while on my bicycle trip in Kansas this spring.

 Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a long-horn steer grazing in a grassy pasture to be here for another episode of my highly acclaimed cooking program.  I have made friends with many cows over the years. I speak to them often when I'm out riding my bike.  Our conversations make me truly wish I had the inner strength to be a vegetarian.  Alas, I have more inner weakness than inner strength.

My weakness stems from my love of a good steak, and today I had a craving for a good steak.  I also had a craving to write another Chef G. Cooking Channel episode.  Most of all I had a craving to go up against my arch enemy, mano a mano, in a steak grilling contest.

Holy cow, can you believe the price of beef these days?

So, I sent an e-mail to the one dude who is probably my top competitor in the world of celebrity chefs.  Incredibly, he accepted my challenge--but only after my team and I agreed to a couple of conditions.  First, we must allow him to be disguised at all times during filming, and second, we are forbidden to identify him by name.  What the heck?

I resisted, but my producers agreed to his cowardly demands.  It's okay though.  It's still a win-win for both of us famous chefs.  I get the satisfaction of humiliating him in a cook-off, and he gets the honor of being a guest on the world's most beloved cooking show.

LET'S MEET THE CHEFS 

The great and powerful CHEF G. versus . . .

 . . .The cowardly British chef in disguise

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Well, let's get down to the business of grilling, shall we?  As the host, I deferred to my opponent to get the cook-off started.  

Living up to his famously foul-mouthed reputation, the British chef immediately went off on a tirade.  (Warning to parents of young children:  There is some bad language in the next two videos.  Please cover your kids' sensitive ears.)

I'm sure you noticed how my British opponent's accent vacillated between English, Irish, Australian & German during his narrative.  He claims that was part of his plan to disguise his identity.  Ha!  In my opinion, the guy is a pretentious phony.

You can remove your hands from your kids' ears now.  In contrast to my hysterical opponent, I remained calm, cool, collected, and clean.  In the next two videos, check out my calmness, collectedness, and especially my COOLNESS while under intense pressure.

I took care to season my steak.  Then I lovingly massaged the salt and pepper into the meat.  My opponent threw his meat on the grill with no additional effort.

At the end of the grilling competition, the two famous chefs tasted each other's steaks.  Chef Gordo Ramses (name altered at his demand) declared my steak to be worthy of a "Masterchef" trophy and a head chef position at one of his restaurants.  I declared his steak to be worth a Gold Medal for dryness and flavorlessness.  I took pity on him though, and offered him a position as a dish washer in my kitchen.  He said he'd give it some thought.

 

Chef G.'s steak, cooked to a perfect rare-to-medium rare, and topped with a mix of red & yellow onions sauteed in butter.  Oh man, it was soooo delicious.

 

I am so proud to finally be declared the greatest living celebrity chef.  Next, I'm going after you, Julia Child, for the title of "Greatest Celebrity Chef of All Time."

The First Annual International Chicken Wing Challenge

Hi folks, I'm your host, Chef G., and I'm happier than a rooster crowing at dawn to be back with another episode of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  In fact, I might actually have a little rooster in my blood.  For one thing, my friends often comment about how cocky I am.  For another thing, some of my neighbors have complained about all the cackling and screeching I do in the early morning hours.  In addition, Mrs. Chef G. tells me that even my appearance resembles that of a chicken.  I don't see any similarity myself, but, whatever.  

COCKADOODLE-DOOOOO!!!

Speaking of chickens, today's recipe will be all about chicken wings.  My original plan was to host a major chicken wing tournament, and I invited chicken wing chefs from all over the world to compete.  Not surprisingly, every one of them were too, shall we say, "chicken," to face me in a grilling showdown.   

Since all the other chefs were afraid of competing against me, the "First Annual International Chicken Wing Challenge" will feature three of my own versions to determine which chicken wing recipe is the best in all the world. 
   

While on my way to pick up some chicken wings for the challenge, I saw this rooster.  He can only WISH he was as handsome as me and could cockadoodle-doo as loud as me.

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I like all parts of a chicken except the liver and the feet.  But wings are my fave.  Sure, there is a lot of fatty skin surrounding the wing meat, and it requires a little extra work to nibble around the bones, but the meat is sooooo sweet and tender.  And there are many delicious rubs and sauces to enhance them.  And, thanks to the fat, it's almost impossible to overcook them or to f--k them up in any other way.

I have featured chicken wings in the past.  Long time fans will remember that recipe because it was one of the most popular episodes from the early days of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  In case you are new to the blog, here is a link:  THE CHEF G. COOKING CHANNEL: ROASTED ASIAN CHICKEN WINGS (With A Guest Appearance By Another Famous Chef)

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Now it's time to get down to preparing three different chicken wing recipes for the tournament.  All of them will be easier than the complicated Roasted Asian Chicken Wings recipe, yet I still believe all of them have a chance to win the "KING OF THE WINGS" grand prize.

The first step is to educate you on exactly what part of a chicken I'm talking about here.  For that purpose, I'm going use one of my other artistic skills--painting.  (That's right, I have other artistic skills besides the art of cooking.)

Every chicken has two chicken wings.  They are located on each side of the body, next to the breast and above the legs (aka drumsticks.)

The chicken wing consists of three parts:  The drummie, the two-boned middle part, and the wingtip.  You will have to separate the parts with heavy-duty scissors or a butcher knife.  Once you've done that, save the drummies & middlies, and throw the wingtips directly into your stinky trash.

A picture of my wing separation surgery.

The next step involves seasoning.  As I said, I'm making three different kinds of wings, so I divided 18 wing pieces into three equal-sized batches.

Before grilling, I marinated six of them in House of Tsang stir fry sauce for an hour.  I rubbed another six with Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning.  The last six will be slathered with Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce while on the grill.

I was probably more anxious than you are to see which recipe will be the winner.  

I put them on the grill and gave them all my trademark tender loving care.  That involves moving them around and flipping them frequently to equalize the heating time. When I took them off the grill, all three looked like potential grand prize winners. 

From left to right:  Cajun Wings, Asian Wings, Barbeque Wings.  Pay no attention to the chicken breasts on the far right.  They are for the health-minded Mrs. Chef G.

It was time for the taste test to determine the champion.  The judge was the great Chef G.--ME.  I put one of each on a plate.  I tasted them individually, cleansing my palate with beer between each one.

The Cajun wings were delicious. The heat from the cayenne pepper was strong, but not overwhelming.  My mouth didn't catch on fire like it did after taking the tiniest nibble off of a scorpion pepper one time.

The Asian marinated wings were also delicious.  They had a nice balance between sweet, hot, tangy, and heavenly.

The BBQ sauce wings had a wonderful flavor.  They were easily the messiest, but they held their own against the other competitors.

Messy yes, but super tasty.

I was pretty sure I had a favorite, but before awarding a winner of the First International Chicken Wing Challenge, I ate another round just to be sure.  That finalized my decision.

THE WINNER OF THE FIRST "KING OF THE WINGS" PRIZE GOES TO . . . . . . . . . dramatic pause . . . . . . . . more drama . . . . . more suspense . . . . . . .

 . . . . .  THE ASIAN MARINATED WINGS! Congratulations Asian Marinated Wings, you deserved the victory.

 

THE DINGALING BROTHERS & CHEF G. CIRCUS: A Meal for Kids of All Ages

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a circus clown on laughing gas to be back with my 60th episode of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

Speaking of circus clowns, I'm sure you know I've earned the America's Goofiest Celebrity Chef Award for three years in a row, and I'm also sure you've noticed that EVERY episode of my cooking channel is a clown show.  Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I'm finally going to present the circus-themed meal you've all been waiting for.

Chef G. in his clown regalia

It has been several decades since I last attended a circus, yet I vividly remember the FUN (hilarious antics of the crazy clowns), the SIGHTS (trapeze artists flipping in mid-air & monkeys riding bicycles), the SOUNDS (bizarre calliope music), and the SMELLS (urine-soaked straw and elephant poop) of the big top extravaganza.  Most of all, I remember the TASTES (caramel apples, cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, hotdogs, corn dogs, soda pop, etc.)

If you, too, have fond memories of those deliciously sweet treats and salty snacks, you'll be very pleased with the meal I'm about to present.  The recipes involve circus foods, but with plenty of gourmet twists from the twisted mind of ME, Chef G.

The recipes will be family friendly too.  Yes, you can make them with your children.  The kids will love how my circus meal might involve enough super-processed junk food to make them vomit in ways the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey never imagined.

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THE MENU: A Three Ring Circus of Deliciousness

• Popcorn (Pan-popped in coconut oil and heavily sprinkled with exotic sea salt)
• Caramel Apple (Ripe fruit with a delicate, sugary coating)
• Hotdog Extraordinaire (Tender all-beef wiener, grilled over the finest charcoals from the upper midwest, placed in a carefully selected cheap bun, and topped with economically minded mustard.)
• Soda Pop (Tropical, citrusy, hazy and hoppy.)

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The popcorn course is quite simple, as you will see in the following photos.  The CHEF G. TWIST is that no microwave or air popper machinery was involved in the preparation.  (None of that yellowy stuff you see on movie theater popcorn either)

All you need is coconut oil, popcorn seeds, a pan, and sea salt.

Turn a burner up to medium and heat the popcorn in the oil.  Shake the pan frequently.  Then comes the magic of little seeds bursting into fluffy white flowers.  I made a video of that transformation.  Check it out. 

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The caramel apple course is also pretty easy.  The CHEF G. TWIST on this one is that I substituted the apple with a different fruit.  I guess you could call it a "caramel raisin."

Only two ingredients

Unwrap about 20 soft caramels, roll them into a ball with your hands, then smash the ball as flat as you can.  Place a raisin (a chocolate covered raisin for extra sweetness) in the middle and roll it all back into a ball.  Finally, push a little wooden stick into the middle.

The nice thing about a caramel raisin is that it's almost as big as a caramel apple, but it has more of the sugary caramel, and less of the healthy fruit.

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The beverage course was curated by yours truly.  The CHEF G. TWIST is that he paired his meal with a special kind of soda pop.

For the adult children only

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The main course is something very special.  I intended it to be a foot-long hotdog because I haven't had one of those things in a long time.  Incredibly, I couldn't find foot-longs in any of MY Town's three grocery stores.  Each of them had huge coolers full of hotdogs, with many brands.  Most of the brands had regular sized wieners, bun sized wieners, jumbo sized wieners, etc., but none of them had foot-long wieners.  What's up with that?

The CHEF G. TWIST is that I came up with a solution to the foot-long problem. 

I taped two regular-sized hotdogs together.

Then I heated up some charcoals and put my foot-long on the grate.

Here is the complete circus meal.  Now THAT'S some good eatin'.