THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA IN CHEF G. COOKERY

 "Something's got a hold on me and I don't know what it is / It's the beginning of a new age. -Lou Reed

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a goat grazing in a field of weeds to be with you again today.  In case you don't know much about goats' eating habits, I can tell you that would be a pretty gosh darn happy goat. 

Part of the reason for my happiness is that I am still riding the euphoric high I received while celebrating my 75th episode with you last week.

Man, you Chef G-niuses sure know how to PARTY!

The first 75 shows were quite a run, that's for sure.  But, as the title of this post indicates, my 76th episode will be the first of a reincarnated version of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Unlike the old version, which featured lots of salt, butter, cheese, bacon, sausages, chicken thighs, fatty beef, fattier pork, etc., the new age version will focus on HEALTHY foods.  (At least a little healthier)

I realize that about 75% of my huge fan base will be tuning out now, but a chef's gotta do what he's gotta do to extend his chefly life.  I humbly ask you to try to be as non-judgmental as possible while I tell my story of foodie enlightenment.  

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I had a jolting epiphany last week . . .  

. . . Damn it, I've gotten ahead of myself.  Let's go back a couple of months . . .

    . . . One day back in July, Mrs. Chef G. had an emergency surgery for a perforated bowel.  The good news is that the surgery went well and they were able to remove the large tumor that caused the perforation, as well as a couple more tiny ones.

   The bad news was that the tumors were cancerous and there was inflammation in two lymph nodes.  As a result, the oncologist called it "Stage Four Colorectal Cancer."

   Some good news was that she only had to spend a week in the hospital, the rest of her surgical healing went better than expected, and her next CT scan revealed no visible cancer cells.

   More bad news was that, even though no cancer cells were visible, the oncologists believe there are hidden cells (sleeper cells) and they will most certainly continue to grow.  Plus, the lymph nodes were still inflamed.  Chemotherapy was in her future.

And the future is NOW.  Mrs. Chef G. shows positivity just before getting hooked up to her first chemo treatment.

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Not long after her cancer diagnosis, Mrs. Chef G. told me I should get a colonoscopy so I wouldn't have to go through the same ordeal.  Inspired by her concern for me while at the same time facing her own health issues, I promised I would make an appointment with the doctor very soon.

For me, that was no small promise.  I hadn't gotten a physical in over 30 years, and I had NEVER gotten a colonoscopy.  (Yeah, I'm one of those people you read about who only goes to the doctor when I think self-healing seems impossible--like when I got my arm ripped open from a bicycling accident or when I got that infamous case of food poisoning.)

Just when I was hoping Mrs. Chef G. had forgotten about my promise to make an appointment to see a doctor, she unexpectedly followed up.  "So, when are you going in for that colonoscopy," she asked.

"Um, I, ahhhh, I guess I forgot about that," I fibbed.

"Yeah, sure you did," she replied with a bit of sarcasm.

"Okay, I'll call tomorrow . . . FOR SURE," I said in my most convincing voice. 

And guess what--I did call.  When the gal at the appointment office asked who my primary doctor was, I recalled the name of the dude who gave me that physical 30 years ago--Dr. Walsh.  Embarrassingly, Dr. Walsh had retired long ago.  How was I supposed to know that?

Anyway, I was assigned a new medical dude.

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I reported for my appointment on time.  I am ALWAYS on time.  I am nothing if not anal about promptness.  Surprisingly, within two minutes of sitting down in the waiting room, my name was called by a nurse. 

My new medical dude was a family nurse practitioner.  He was a cool guy and we hit it off immediately after he asked about my favorite activities--the ones that "get me up in the morning."

"I like to ride my bicycle every day, all year round, and I like to cook," was my reply.

"I like biking too," he said, and to convince me, he described his current bike and his hope to buy a gravel bike in the near future.

Eventually, we got around to talking about my health--specifically about the blood pressure the nurse had taken a few minutes earlier.  (138/86)  

"That's a little high," he said.

"My blood pressure has always been a little high," I responded, "even when I was a young and fit college wrestler."  Then I added "and I STILL feel young and fit."

My claims didn't seem to impress him very much.  He ordered a bunch of blood tests and sent me to the lab.

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The lab results came back the next day.  From what I could tell on "MyChart," most of the markers looked pretty good.  My kidneys are working.  My prostate is fine.  NICE! 

Unfortunately, my blood tests also revealed some negatives.  Given my lifelong diet of chocolate, salt, bacon, fatty beef, ham, pizza, Cheetos, beer, and high fructose corn syrup, I shouldn't have been surprised that my results showed high levels of cholesterol and glucose.  Adding in the high blood pressure, my lab score indicated I had a 16.2% chance of having a stroke or heart attack within the next ten years.

"WTF?  How can I feel so good, yet be so close to death?" I wondered.  In a way, I liked gliding blissfully through life thinking I was fit, happy, & healthy a lot better than knowing the ACTUAL state of my health.

If my odds for a stroke were only 15%, I'd do nothing and continue on with my life and my normal diet.  But 16.2% is a whole 'nother thing.  I believe in science, so I'm not going to argue with the experts.  I've made the decision to make some changes.  I'm going to follow the medical advice and cut back on my past eating habits and try to eat more leafy green vegetables, legumes, and lean meat.  Yuck!

And I'm going to take the cholesterol medicine I was prescribed.  It'll be a little humbling though.  Until now, I've always been proud to claim I take no prescription medications.

Part of my new diet--at least for the next three months.

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More humbling than being on an ongoing medication is that I had to undergo a procedure in which a tube with a camera went up into my intestines, via my rear end.

I was way more worried about the colonoscopy results than I was about my cholesterol and glucose levels.  You would not believe all the kinds of things I've subjected my intestines to over my entire lifetime.  

And I was most worried about the possibility I might have to be Mrs. Chef G.'s cancer caregiver at the same time she might have to be MY cancer caregiver.  That would totally suck.

When I was awakened from my post-colonoscopy stupor, I braced myself for the worst possible news.  The news I got, however, surprised the living hell out of me:  My colon was cancer-free and polyp-free.  It was the miracle I was hoping for.

After that, I decided I liked knowing the actual state of my health better than blissfully and ignorantly walking through life THINKING I was fit, happy and healthy.

The colonoscopy doctor said there were no restrictions on what I could eat after the procedure, so I celebrated with a big juicy steak.

   

My loyal little buddy made sure nobody tried to steal myT-Bone steak.

Please excuse my final indulgence on The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Rest assured, I am committed to eating at least a little healthier in the future.  That doesn't mean I'm giving up on grilling.  I can grill leaner meat and I can grill vegetables.  And I'm sure salads will open a whole new world for me.

  

   

SPECIAL EDITION: Fancy French Cuisine For A Major Milestone

Hi folks, Chef G. here!  And I'm happier than a rooster crowing at dawn.  That's because I get to be here with you for the SEVENTY-FIFTH edition of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  

Yup, you read that right: I've lasted seventy-five (aka soixante-quinze, setenta y cinco, 75, or LXXV) episodes without getting cancelled by the Blogspot network.  As I said in my last post, that's even more longevity than the acclaimed series "Game of Thrones."  Can you believe it?  No?  Well, I assure you that I'm as surprised as you are.  I got cancelled by my last network after only about 10 episodes.  I don't know, perhaps I was a little too obnoxious back then.

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There was no question I needed to come up with an extra special dish to celebrate such a momentous occasion.  I mean, hotdogs are fine for a 4th of July picnic, turkey is acceptable for a Thanksgiving meal, a big ol' ham works nicely for most of the Christian holidays, and a witch's brew is good for Halloween.  But a jubilee for the 75th episode of the world's greatest satirical cooking blog deserves something above and beyond such standard fare.

After expending quite a lot of brain power, I came up with the perfect answer--a French dish called Coq au Vin.  Translated into my native language, it means "Rooster in Wine."  (A more accurate translation, I suppose, is "Cock in Wine," but for some reason that one offends my grown-up sense of decency slightly more than it appeals to my childish sense of humor regarding slang terms for sexual body parts.)

I've been wanting to make Coq au Vin ever since I saw Julia Child cook it on PBS a few decades ago.  Her Rooster in Wine looked incredibly delicious, but back then the recipe was way too complicated for an inexperienced punk like me.

I think Julia was the original celebrity chef, and to this day, the only one I really like.

Now that I'm a celebrity chef in my own right, I believe I am ready to use her recipe (with a few personal modifications, of course) to make this an extra special edition of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

The title of my version of the classic French dish is:

KOOKY COOK'S COQ AU VIN

Part One

It was important for me to begin preparations for the big event a few days in advance.  In the interest of authenticity and deliciousness, I had to make my own chicken broth.  No self-respecting French chef would use a broth from a carton or can for ANY meal, but certainly not for a huge 75th-episode celebration.

A homemade chicken broth is an all-day affair.  Only a lunatic chef (such as Gordo Ramses) would try to make a high-quality broth AND Coq au Vin in the same day.

First, you have to roast a chicken.

Second, you have to remove the meat from the skeleton and boil all the bones in a gallon of water--along with an onion, two celery stalks, three carrots, a bay leaf, and plenty of salt & pepper.

Third, you have to make a meal of the chicken you roasted.  In my case, I sliced some chicken breast onto plates and served it with steamed broccoli for Mrs. Chef G. and me.  (Helpful hint for the next day:  Use the leftover meat to make chicken salad sandwiches.)

Fourth, after the carcass and vegetables have boiled for about four hours, pour everything through a strainer into heat proof bowl.  The liquid that remains will be aromatic, savory, golden, and delicious. 

 

Store the beautiful broth in the refrigerator until you're ready to make your Coq au Vin.
 

Intermission

During the intermission, I joined my studio audience for dancing and general craziness.  Chef G. fans are THE BEST!

Part Two

This is the best part.  I hope you're ready for some serious French cooking.  We'll start with Julia Child's ingredients, with a few pluses and minuses from Chef G.

-Three chicken thighs and three drumsticks

-One cup of good red wine, such as pinot noir

-One shot of brandy

-One and a half cups of homemade chicken broth

-Three strips of thick cut bacon cut into 1/2" pieces

-Half of a sweet Vidalia onion, thinly sliced

-Two carrots cut on the bias into 1" chunks

-Three garlic cloves, minced

-One tablespoon tomato paste

-Four ounces of mushrooms, thickly sliced

-One teaspoon fresh thyme leaves

-Two tablespoons softened butter

-Two tablespoons flour

-Plenty of salt and pepper

I was NOT going to buy a whole bottle of brandy just to make this recipe, so I was prepared to leave that ingredient out.  Then, while shopping for a Pinot Noir from the Bourgogne region of France, I noticed a display of tiny booze bottles.  Upon finding a brandy, I rejoiced in my great fortune.

Cooking Instructions

Step One:  Put the chicken thighs and drumsticks in a bowl and pour the wine, brandy and homemade chicken broth over the top.  Let it sit while you chop the bacon, vegetables and herbs.

Step Two:  While the chicken marinates in the wine, start chopping the bacon, vegetables and herbs.

Step Three:  Cook the bacon until slightly crispy in a Dutch oven over medium high heat.  Remove the bacon and save it for later, but leave the grease.

Step Four:  Take the wine-marinated chicken pieces out of the bowl, pat dry them, salt them, and toss them--skin side down--into the bacon grease. (Do NOT discard the wine/brandy/broth.)  Sear them for about four minutes, flip them over, and sear for another four minutes.  Then remove the thighs & legs and set them aside.

 

They're already smelling deliceux.

Step Five:  Put the onions and carrots into the bacon & chicken grease.  Let them sauté for about five minutes, then add the garlic to sauté for another minute.

Step Six:  Shove the onion, carrot, and garlic to the side, and put in the tomato paste.  Stir a little bit and let it cook for a minute until you can smell its fine aroma.

Step Seven:  Pour the wine/brandy/broth mixture you reserved into the pot.  Scrape the dark stuff on the bottom of the pot and stir into the mix.  Bring it to a boil.  Add more salt and pepper.

Step Eight:  Add the chicken back into the pan and sprinkle with the thyme.  Turn the heat to low and let the stew simmer for about 20 minutes.

Step Nine:  While the simmering takes place, mix the flour with the butter using your (clean) fingers.  Then whisk it with a fork.  The result is a thing the French call "Beurre Manie," which sounds way more sophisticated than "butter mixed with flour."

Beurre Manie--fun to make, fun to say.

Step Ten:  Heat up a tablespoon of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in a frying pan.  Add the reserved bacon and the mushrooms.  Cook for about 10 minutes.

Step Eleven:  Stir the beurre manie into the pot until you notice the sauce thickening.  Then add the sautéed mushrooms and bacon.  Soon, the smell will be almost too much to resist.

Oh man, it's irresistable!

My son, Arlo, agrees.  He guarded the coq au vin for me while I poured a glass of the fine French wine for drinking purposes.

While I ate, Arlo continued to guard against any invaders who would try to steal my meal. 

 

I hesitate to review my own food like all the other celebrity chefs do, but all I can say is . . . "THIS MEAL WAS SOOO GOOD YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT."  

I hope you decide to make it for yourself.  Bon Appetit!

 

A Migration Celebration With Marination

 

Hi folks, I'm your host, Chef G., and I'm happier than a pelican with a dozen perch in his pouch.  The reason for my pelican joy is that I'm about to share another very special recipe right here on my amazingly successful cooking show--The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

Would you like to know how amazingly successful the show is?  It's SO amazingly successful that we are now airing our 74th episode.  That's one more than the acclaimed show "Game of Thrones."  I've never seen a single minute of that show, but I do know it was wildly popular.  It wasn't popular enough, though, to get past the 73-episode mark.  Tough luck.

Anyway, my ratings are better than ever, thanks in particular to my food poisoning episode.  That one pulled in over a hundred viewers, which is a number that Chef Gordo Ramses and all my other celebrity chef competitors can only dream about.

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I'd like to go back to the subject of happy pelicans for a minute.  I was out riding my bike along the Mississippi River yesterday and I saw many of those big white birds gleefully soaring all over the sky.  Ah yes, that reminded me the fall migration season is in full force.  

Next, I passed an island just offshore.  It was filled with thousands of birds representing several different species.  I was so impressed with the scene that I filmed and narrated a couple of 90-second videos.  They have nothing to do with cooking, but I hope you watch them anyway.

Okay, I admit the first video wasn't all that exciting.  The real action takes place in the next video.  Check it out.

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If you watched the videos, you're probably thinking the main dish for today's episode will be grilled pelican or grilled seagull.  I'm proud to say you'd be wrong.  

Today's show will be about grilled pork chops.  I know, I know, ANYBODY can grill pork chops.  But the real star of the show is what separates MY pork chops from the pork chops grilled by the average backyard chef.  That would be the delicious marinade I concocted for maximum flavor enhancement.  

The marinade idea came from a comment I received on my last post.  It got me to wondering, "have I ever marinated anything in the past 73 episodes?"  If so, it didn't immediately come to mind.  Therefore, to celebrate migration season, here we go with my latest creation: 

HONEY-SOY-GINGER MARINATED PORK CHOPS a la CHEF G 

With a title like that, the first step HAD to be the preparation of the marinade.  It's a Chef G. original.  I could make a lot of money by charging a fee for the recipe, but I'm going to provide it to my loyal fans for free.  So, all I can add is that it will be worth your time to pay close attention. 

I'm a hands-on chef, so I put the ginger and garlic in my hand before mincing up a half-tablespoon of each.

These are the liquids I used.  One tablespoon of red wine vinegar, 1/4 cup of honey, 1/4 cup of full-sodium soy sauce, and 3 tablespoons of olive oil.

Hands-on display of a pinch of black pepper and a pinch of red chili pepper flakes.

Put all the ingredients into a bowl and whisk the hell out of the mixture.

I gotta tell ya, my marinade looked good enough to drink right out of the bowl.  Good thing I had enough self-restraint to save it for the next important step.

I put a couple of pork chops into a zip-lock baggie and added the marinade.  I soaked the pig meat in the marinade for two hours.  The pork chop in the other baggie is for Mrs. Chef G.  She is a fine gal in so many ways, but her food tastes are rather bland.

After the two hours of marination, I transferred the meat to my charcoal grill.  Immediately, the hot coals got my tasty pork chops a-sizzling.  It smelled so good.  Yet I felt sorry for Mrs. Chef G's portion.  I mean, it looked sickly and pale.

Well, if that's how she likes it, that's how she likes it.  Who am I to contradict her?

In the end, Mrs. Chef G. enjoyed her plain pork chop, and I absolutely LOVED my enhanced pork chops.  Like a wolf, I gnawed the meat right down to the bone after taking this picture.

My dog, Arlo, took one look at my pork chop and also wanted to gnaw it to the bone.  I restrained him, but I must admit I gave him a couple of small pieces.

That concludes Episode #74 of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Episode #75 is next, and it seems worthy of an extra special dish for an extra special occasion.  A 75th celebration is often called a "diamond jubilee."  I'm open to food suggestions for the big event.  Thank you.

Fishy Chef Grills Fish

Hi folks, Chef G. here with a new post, and that makes me happier than a brook trout snapping its jaws onto a big, juicy Mayfly.  The fish simile seems appropriate today because I actually am going to be cooking fish.

I should warn you not to get your hopes too high.  I will be stretching my amazing celebrity chef skills to the limit.  This will be the first time I've ever worked with a fish called "red snapper."  Making it even more of a challenge is that it will be the first time I've ever charcoal grilled ANY kind of fish other than salmon and tuna.

Many things could go wrong. I know that.  Salmon and tuna are relatively easy to grill due to their rich, fatty flesh.  Fish with white meat, on the other hand, requires extra care and precision to avoid a complete disaster.  Undercooked red snapper could be slimy and yucky at best, and, at worst, might give me a case of food poisoning that would make the one I had last month look like a toilet seat joy ride.  

Overcooked red snapper could be worse yet.  The disappointment I'd feel with dry, rubbery, flavorless fish would be almost overwhelming.  

Wish me luck.

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I purchased my red snapper at a local Coburn's Grocery store.  I liked that the seafood case had it displayed on ice with a little sign stating it was "fresh" and "wild caught" and "not previously frozen."  

Okay, I live in the Midwest--more than a thousand miles from the nearest ocean--so I had a reasonable skepticism about the actual freshness of the fish.  I gave them the benefit of the doubt though and bought it anyway.  Who knows?  Maybe they had it flown in from the gulf coast this morning.  (I didn't ask about that because I wasn't sure I really wanted to know the truth.) 

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The first step in preparation is to get the coals fired up.  Crumpled up newspapers in a charcoal chimney eliminates the need for a stinky petroleum-based charcoal starter.  I've been using the chimney for a couple years now.  You'd think a famous chef like me would have learned about such a thing long before I did, but no, I squirted what amounts to paint thinner on my coals for almost 30 years.

Plus, the chimney ensures charcoal heating efficiency.

The second step was to bring the Red Snapper filets to room temperature.  That only takes about 15 minutes.

The third step was to season the filets.  In my case, it's a thumbs-up blend of salt, pepper, garlic powder, paprika, and more salt.  Feel free to use whatever herbs and spices you want though.  That's the way it should be.

The fourth step was to give the Red Snapper filets a nice extra virgin olive oil shower.

The fifth step is to pour the coals from the chimney to the grate.  I'm grateful they look great on the grate.

The sixth step is to place the filets skin-side-down on the grate.

Regarding that last step, I recommend putting the fish NEAR the source of heat, but not directly over the coals.  I don't know why I recommend that.  I guess my chefly instincts told me it seemed right.

  

Then I put the lid on the grill and let the red snapper filets cook for about three more minutes.

The seventh step was to remove the lid and flip the filets to skin-side-up for another three minutes.

During that final three-minute interim, I poured a delicious glass of Duluth, Minnesota beer.  To hell with a wine pairing.  I like to think of myself as a child of chaos, so I thought the Ursa would be a perfect pairing with my rather chaotic fish dish.

After a swig of the Double Hazy IPA, I went back to the grill and used a spatula to transfer the fish to a plate.

Then I made a video of my official Chef G. taste test.  Like every single celebrity chef on earth, I proclaimed its deliciousness.  You can watch my video here.

Despite my praise, I have to admit my red snapper wasn't all that flavorful.  I blame the grocery store, not my grilling expertise.  The excellence of my cooking is well established, the grocery store's "freshness" claims are not.  Thank you for tuning in to The Chef G. Cooking Channel.