TY COBB SALAD

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a giraffe eating leaves off a Serengeti acacia tree.  The main reason for my happiness is that I didn't get pilloried too badly for my ill-advised Halloween episode last week, though the general consensus was that the post was more gross than it was scary or funny.  Sorry about that.

Another reason for my happiness is that today I am going back to my Chef G. roots--SERIOUS cooking excellence.  At the same time, I'm also moving forward with my new mission--HEALTHY cooking excellence.  

As you can see, the common theme here is excellence.  Old school excellence, modern excellence, excellent excellence--it really doesn't matter what kind of excellence, because I already know I'm the most excellent celebrity chef on television, radio, the internet, or any other media platform.  That's not just my opinion; it's a scientific fact proven by some guy.

I could go on and on about my cooking excellence but, lucky for you, I don't like to brag.

What Is Cobb Salad Anyway?

I remember seeing Cobb Salad on restaurant menus when I was a kid.  It seemed to be a big thing at supper clubs all over the Midwest.  

I grew up in Iowa, so you can probably understand how, as a pre-teen, I came to believe Cobb Salad was made from corn cobs.  A bare corn cob is truly a thing of beauty, but I sure didn't want to eat a salad made from them.

Corn on the cobb is one of my favorite foods.  At the bottom of this photo, you can see how efficiently I gnaw every kernel off the cobb.  The two cobbs at the top were eaten by non-Iowans.  (For more information on how to grill and eat corn on the cob, see this episode from 2022:  https://chefgcooks.blogspot.com/2021/04/corn-iowas-crop-americas-vegetable.html )

Now that I'm a sophisticated adult, I know Cobb Salad isn't what I thought it was back in the 1970's.  It doesn't contain corn cobs at all.  No, it's sort of like a tossed salad, except the ingredients aren't tossed.  Instead, they're arranged separately and artistically on a platter.

And here's the most interesting part:  The salad was named after one of the greatest baseball players of all-time--Ty Cobb.  I'm pretty sure Gordo Ramses and all other my competitors in the celebrity chef world don't even know that fact.  They have no time for sports because they have one-track minds concentrated on nothing but food.  I'm more well-rounded than those bums, and I think that makes me a better chef. 

Okay, it's possible that bit of Ty Cobb trivia is not so much a fact in reality as it is an alternative fact in my chefydelic mind.  All I know for sure is that Ty Cobb is a Hall of Famer and he was almost as skilled at playing baseball as Chef G. is at cooking food.

But here's a statistic that differentiates Ty Cobb from me: 

Ty's career batting average was a respectable .366, which is the major league record.  My career delicious dish average is .955, which is the celebrity chef record.  As you can see, my D.D.A. is an incredible 589 percentage points higher than his B.A.  I win!

  

Ty Cobb:  Almost as excellent as Chef G.

Enough about statistics!  Let's move on to my recipe for Ty Cobb Salad.

Part One:  The Vinaigrette

I was going to claim vinaigrette was named after the famous surrealistic painter Rene Magritte, but I didn't think you would fall for another ridiculous joke.  So I let it go.

Anyway, the old version of me routinely topped his salads with bottled dressings from the grocery store.  My favorites were Italian and French dressings made with high fructose corn syrup and seed oils.  No wonder my glucose and cholesterol levels are high.  But dammit, the sweet flavor of those dressings enhanced even the worst tasting vegetables, leaves, grass, sawdust, etc.

The new version of me is going to try his hand at a healthier alternative.  After looking up a few vinaigrette recipes, I was pretty impressed with how many of them there were to choose from.

I decided to start with a Balsamic Vinaigrette.  The recipe I saw online was very simple, but I modified it to make it more complicated.  That's what us celebrity chefs do.

Whisk the following ingredients in a bowl.

-1/2 Cup Balsamic Vinegar

-One Tablespoon Honey

-One Tablespoon Dijon Mustard

-1/4 Teaspoon freshly ground pepper

-Salt (be mindful of your blood pressure though)

-Four Tablespoons minced chives

-Slowly stir in 2 Cups Olive Oil

The ingredients before the whisking.

After the whisking, I tasted my creation.  It was so good that I poured the mixture into a jar, applied a label, and made plans to put it on the market . . . at a premium price, of course.  Place your orders now.

PART TWO: Assemble the Salad

A Ty Cobb Salad is all about "presentation."  In the chef world, presentation is an art.  Unfortunately, many celebrity chefs go overboard by catering to pretentious foodies who don't care what the food tastes like as long as it looks good.  I, on the other hand, can assure the foodies that this dish will look as good as a Rene Magritte painting while, at the same time, I can assure the rest of my Chef G-niuses that it will be delicious.  It's the best of both worlds, courtesy of ME.

Here's a step-by-step tutorial on how I created my work of delicious salad art:

-The prep began on Saturday night when I roasted a chicken.  Mrs. Chef G. and I made a meal of it, but I saved some breast meat for my Ty Cobb salad.

-Sunday morning, before the National Football League games started, I boiled a couple of eggs and I fried five strips of bacon.  I let both of them cool before proceeding.

I fried the bacon in my back yard.  It was a courtesy to Mrs. Chef G., who is currently experiencing sensitivity to strong smells due to her chemotherapy.  It was also a pleasant experience for me.  It was a chilly November morning, the leaves on the ground were beautiful, and the bacon aroma reminded me of so many greasy campsite breakfasts of yesteryear.

-I peeled the shell off the egg.

-I de-greased the bacon with napkins.

-I removed the leftover chicken breast from the refrigerator.

-I sliced all three proteins into 1/2" chunks 

-At halftime of the Detroit vs. Miami game, I started chopping up the healthy ingredients.  (That would be the fruits and vegetables.)

Leafy Greens:  Spinach & Romaine Lettuce

Campari Tomatoes:  "The tomato lover's tomato"

An Avocado:  Nature's gift to good health

-Then I lined a cookie pan with parchment paper.

-Then I lined the parchment paper with the lettuce and spinach.

-Then I arranged the chicken, tomatoes, avocado, egg, bleu cheese (not previously pictured), and bacon in vertical lines.  It had to be in that exact order for maximum beauty and flavor.

A bed of greens

Precise rows of healthy salad deliciousness

At this point, the salad was ready to eat.  The key for maximum enjoyment is to use a spatula to scoop up the salad ingredients from left to right and gently unload them into a large bowl.  That way, you get a nice mix of all eight ingredients.

Digging in with a spatula

The final step is to spoon a generous amount of Chef G's Balsamic Vinaigrette onto the Ty Cobb Salad.

All I can tell you is that my salad was as good as a salad can be.  (One could argue that was thanks to the one unhealthy ingredient--bacon.)  By its very nature, a salad could never be as tasty as, say, a rack of baby back pork ribs slathered with Chef G.'s BBQ Sauce.  But maybe, just maybe, it might help me live longer. 

  

Chef G's Healthy Halloween Special

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a zombie diving into a mound of human flesh to be with you for another episode of the best cooking show on earth--The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

Halloween is my favorite holiday.  It's Mrs. Chef G.'s favorite holiday too.  We dig handing out treats to little monsters on our front porch almost as much as we dig digging graves in our backyard.  Can you DIG it?  (Just a little Halloween joke, folks, please don't call the police.)

Let me tell you about how I, the Magnificent Chef G., celebrated Halloween last night.

For one thing, I wore my long-haired, hippy-chef costume, which freaked out a lot of people who only know me as a bald chef.

For another thing, I helped Mrs. Chef G. set up some decorations designed to scare the holy bejeezus out of those little punks who would soon be swarming the neighborhood.

But the most important thing I did was COOK.  I taught a couple of sweet old ladies how to make a proper witch's brew.

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Chef G.'s Witch's Brew Recipe

The first step is to combine the following ingredients:

-One gallon, green pig snot (try to get the extra-runny version)

-One gallon, green alligator vomit

-And one gallon, jalapeno flavored Kool Aid

Stir the above ingredients together in a large cauldron and bring to a boil over the flaming bones of a freshly slaughtered dragon.

Allow to boil for ten minutes while adding rat guts, bat wings, eyes of newts, lizard legs, frog toes, and a quart of Orc blood.  Then recite the following incantation:

"Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble."

Lower the heat and allow the brew to simmer for two hours.  The result will be the most scrumptious dish you can imagine.  On this particular evening, several hundred kids agreed.

When the brew was cooked to my satisfaction, I left the little old ladies alone to ladle out servings to the trick or treaters.

At 8:00 p.m. it was dark, yet the whippersnappers were still clamoring for more witch's brew.

So that concludes the first episode of the new era of Chef G. healthy eating.  Check back in a couple of weeks for a more traditional healthy meal.  Thank you.

THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA IN CHEF G. COOKERY

 "Something's got a hold on me and I don't know what it is / It's the beginning of a new age. -Lou Reed

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a goat grazing in a field of weeds to be with you again today.  In case you don't know much about goats' eating habits, I can tell you that would be a pretty gosh darn happy goat. 

Part of the reason for my happiness is that I am still riding the euphoric high I received while celebrating my 75th episode with you last week.

Man, you Chef G-niuses sure know how to PARTY!

The first 75 shows were quite a run, that's for sure.  But, as the title of this post indicates, my 76th episode will be the first of a reincarnated version of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Unlike the old version, which featured lots of salt, butter, cheese, bacon, sausages, chicken thighs, fatty beef, fattier pork, etc., the new age version will focus on HEALTHY foods.  (At least a little healthier)

I realize that about 75% of my huge fan base will be tuning out now, but a chef's gotta do what he's gotta do to extend his chefly life.  I humbly ask you to try to be as non-judgmental as possible while I tell my story of foodie enlightenment.  

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I had a jolting epiphany last week . . .  

. . . Damn it, I've gotten ahead of myself.  Let's go back a couple of months . . .

    . . . One day back in July, Mrs. Chef G. had an emergency surgery for a perforated bowel.  The good news is that the surgery went well and they were able to remove the large tumor that caused the perforation, as well as a couple more tiny ones.

   The bad news was that the tumors were cancerous and there was inflammation in two lymph nodes.  As a result, the oncologist called it "Stage Four Colorectal Cancer."

   Some good news was that she only had to spend a week in the hospital, the rest of her surgical healing went better than expected, and her next CT scan revealed no visible cancer cells.

   More bad news was that, even though no cancer cells were visible, the oncologists believe there are hidden cells (sleeper cells) and they will most certainly continue to grow.  Plus, the lymph nodes were still inflamed.  Chemotherapy was in her future.

And the future is NOW.  Mrs. Chef G. shows positivity just before getting hooked up to her first chemo treatment.

************

Not long after her cancer diagnosis, Mrs. Chef G. told me I should get a colonoscopy so I wouldn't have to go through the same ordeal.  Inspired by her concern for me while at the same time facing her own health issues, I promised I would make an appointment with the doctor very soon.

For me, that was no small promise.  I hadn't gotten a physical in over 30 years, and I had NEVER gotten a colonoscopy.  (Yeah, I'm one of those people you read about who only goes to the doctor when I think self-healing seems impossible--like when I got my arm ripped open from a bicycling accident or when I got that infamous case of food poisoning.)

Just when I was hoping Mrs. Chef G. had forgotten about my promise to make an appointment to see a doctor, she unexpectedly followed up.  "So, when are you going in for that colonoscopy," she asked.

"Um, I, ahhhh, I guess I forgot about that," I fibbed.

"Yeah, sure you did," she replied with a bit of sarcasm.

"Okay, I'll call tomorrow . . . FOR SURE," I said in my most convincing voice. 

And guess what--I did call.  When the gal at the appointment office asked who my primary doctor was, I recalled the name of the dude who gave me that physical 30 years ago--Dr. Walsh.  Embarrassingly, Dr. Walsh had retired long ago.  How was I supposed to know that?

Anyway, I was assigned a new medical dude.

************

I reported for my appointment on time.  I am ALWAYS on time.  I am nothing if not anal about promptness.  Surprisingly, within two minutes of sitting down in the waiting room, my name was called by a nurse. 

My new medical dude was a family nurse practitioner.  He was a cool guy and we hit it off immediately after he asked about my favorite activities--the ones that "get me up in the morning."

"I like to ride my bicycle every day, all year round, and I like to cook," was my reply.

"I like biking too," he said, and to convince me, he described his current bike and his hope to buy a gravel bike in the near future.

Eventually, we got around to talking about my health--specifically about the blood pressure the nurse had taken a few minutes earlier.  (138/86)  

"That's a little high," he said.

"My blood pressure has always been a little high," I responded, "even when I was a young and fit college wrestler."  Then I added "and I STILL feel young and fit."

My claims didn't seem to impress him very much.  He ordered a bunch of blood tests and sent me to the lab.

************

The lab results came back the next day.  From what I could tell on "MyChart," most of the markers looked pretty good.  My kidneys are working.  My prostate is fine.  NICE! 

Unfortunately, my blood tests also revealed some negatives.  Given my lifelong diet of chocolate, salt, bacon, fatty beef, ham, pizza, Cheetos, beer, and high fructose corn syrup, I shouldn't have been surprised that my results showed high levels of cholesterol and glucose.  Adding in the high blood pressure, my lab score indicated I had a 16.2% chance of having a stroke or heart attack within the next ten years.

"WTF?  How can I feel so good, yet be so close to death?" I wondered.  In a way, I liked gliding blissfully through life thinking I was fit, happy, & healthy a lot better than knowing the ACTUAL state of my health.

If my odds for a stroke were only 15%, I'd do nothing and continue on with my life and my normal diet.  But 16.2% is a whole 'nother thing.  I believe in science, so I'm not going to argue with the experts.  I've made the decision to make some changes.  I'm going to follow the medical advice and cut back on my past eating habits and try to eat more leafy green vegetables, legumes, and lean meat.  Yuck!

And I'm going to take the cholesterol medicine I was prescribed.  It'll be a little humbling though.  Until now, I've always been proud to claim I take no prescription medications.

Part of my new diet--at least for the next three months.

************

More humbling than being on an ongoing medication is that I had to undergo a procedure in which a tube with a camera went up into my intestines, via my rear end.

I was way more worried about the colonoscopy results than I was about my cholesterol and glucose levels.  You would not believe all the kinds of things I've subjected my intestines to over my entire lifetime.  

And I was most worried about the possibility I might have to be Mrs. Chef G.'s cancer caregiver at the same time she might have to be MY cancer caregiver.  That would totally suck.

When I was awakened from my post-colonoscopy stupor, I braced myself for the worst possible news.  The news I got, however, surprised the living hell out of me:  My colon was cancer-free and polyp-free.  It was the miracle I was hoping for.

After that, I decided I liked knowing the actual state of my health better than blissfully and ignorantly walking through life THINKING I was fit, happy and healthy.

The colonoscopy doctor said there were no restrictions on what I could eat after the procedure, so I celebrated with a big juicy steak.

   

My loyal little buddy made sure nobody tried to steal myT-Bone steak.

Please excuse my final indulgence on The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Rest assured, I am committed to eating at least a little healthier in the future.  That doesn't mean I'm giving up on grilling.  I can grill leaner meat and I can grill vegetables.  And I'm sure salads will open a whole new world for me.

  

   

SPECIAL EDITION: Fancy French Cuisine For A Major Milestone

Hi folks, Chef G. here!  And I'm happier than a rooster crowing at dawn.  That's because I get to be here with you for the SEVENTY-FIFTH edition of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  

Yup, you read that right: I've lasted seventy-five (aka soixante-quinze, setenta y cinco, 75, or LXXV) episodes without getting cancelled by the Blogspot network.  As I said in my last post, that's even more longevity than the acclaimed series "Game of Thrones."  Can you believe it?  No?  Well, I assure you that I'm as surprised as you are.  I got cancelled by my last network after only about 10 episodes.  I don't know, perhaps I was a little too obnoxious back then.

************ 

There was no question I needed to come up with an extra special dish to celebrate such a momentous occasion.  I mean, hotdogs are fine for a 4th of July picnic, turkey is acceptable for a Thanksgiving meal, a big ol' ham works nicely for most of the Christian holidays, and a witch's brew is good for Halloween.  But a jubilee for the 75th episode of the world's greatest satirical cooking blog deserves something above and beyond such standard fare.

After expending quite a lot of brain power, I came up with the perfect answer--a French dish called Coq au Vin.  Translated into my native language, it means "Rooster in Wine."  (A more accurate translation, I suppose, is "Cock in Wine," but for some reason that one offends my grown-up sense of decency slightly more than it appeals to my childish sense of humor regarding slang terms for sexual body parts.)

I've been wanting to make Coq au Vin ever since I saw Julia Child cook it on PBS a few decades ago.  Her Rooster in Wine looked incredibly delicious, but back then the recipe was way too complicated for an inexperienced punk like me.

I think Julia was the original celebrity chef, and to this day, the only one I really like.

Now that I'm a celebrity chef in my own right, I believe I am ready to use her recipe (with a few personal modifications, of course) to make this an extra special edition of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

The title of my version of the classic French dish is:

KOOKY COOK'S COQ AU VIN

Part One

It was important for me to begin preparations for the big event a few days in advance.  In the interest of authenticity and deliciousness, I had to make my own chicken broth.  No self-respecting French chef would use a broth from a carton or can for ANY meal, but certainly not for a huge 75th-episode celebration.

A homemade chicken broth is an all-day affair.  Only a lunatic chef (such as Gordo Ramses) would try to make a high-quality broth AND Coq au Vin in the same day.

First, you have to roast a chicken.

Second, you have to remove the meat from the skeleton and boil all the bones in a gallon of water--along with an onion, two celery stalks, three carrots, a bay leaf, and plenty of salt & pepper.

Third, you have to make a meal of the chicken you roasted.  In my case, I sliced some chicken breast onto plates and served it with steamed broccoli for Mrs. Chef G. and me.  (Helpful hint for the next day:  Use the leftover meat to make chicken salad sandwiches.)

Fourth, after the carcass and vegetables have boiled for about four hours, pour everything through a strainer into heat proof bowl.  The liquid that remains will be aromatic, savory, golden, and delicious. 

 

Store the beautiful broth in the refrigerator until you're ready to make your Coq au Vin.
 

Intermission

During the intermission, I joined my studio audience for dancing and general craziness.  Chef G. fans are THE BEST!

Part Two

This is the best part.  I hope you're ready for some serious French cooking.  We'll start with Julia Child's ingredients, with a few pluses and minuses from Chef G.

-Three chicken thighs and three drumsticks

-One cup of good red wine, such as pinot noir

-One shot of brandy

-One and a half cups of homemade chicken broth

-Three strips of thick cut bacon cut into 1/2" pieces

-Half of a sweet Vidalia onion, thinly sliced

-Two carrots cut on the bias into 1" chunks

-Three garlic cloves, minced

-One tablespoon tomato paste

-Four ounces of mushrooms, thickly sliced

-One teaspoon fresh thyme leaves

-Two tablespoons softened butter

-Two tablespoons flour

-Plenty of salt and pepper

I was NOT going to buy a whole bottle of brandy just to make this recipe, so I was prepared to leave that ingredient out.  Then, while shopping for a Pinot Noir from the Bourgogne region of France, I noticed a display of tiny booze bottles.  Upon finding a brandy, I rejoiced in my great fortune.

Cooking Instructions

Step One:  Put the chicken thighs and drumsticks in a bowl and pour the wine, brandy and homemade chicken broth over the top.  Let it sit while you chop the bacon, vegetables and herbs.

Step Two:  While the chicken marinates in the wine, start chopping the bacon, vegetables and herbs.

Step Three:  Cook the bacon until slightly crispy in a Dutch oven over medium high heat.  Remove the bacon and save it for later, but leave the grease.

Step Four:  Take the wine-marinated chicken pieces out of the bowl, pat dry them, salt them, and toss them--skin side down--into the bacon grease. (Do NOT discard the wine/brandy/broth.)  Sear them for about four minutes, flip them over, and sear for another four minutes.  Then remove the thighs & legs and set them aside.

 

They're already smelling deliceux.

Step Five:  Put the onions and carrots into the bacon & chicken grease.  Let them sauté for about five minutes, then add the garlic to sauté for another minute.

Step Six:  Shove the onion, carrot, and garlic to the side, and put in the tomato paste.  Stir a little bit and let it cook for a minute until you can smell its fine aroma.

Step Seven:  Pour the wine/brandy/broth mixture you reserved into the pot.  Scrape the dark stuff on the bottom of the pot and stir into the mix.  Bring it to a boil.  Add more salt and pepper.

Step Eight:  Add the chicken back into the pan and sprinkle with the thyme.  Turn the heat to low and let the stew simmer for about 20 minutes.

Step Nine:  While the simmering takes place, mix the flour with the butter using your (clean) fingers.  Then whisk it with a fork.  The result is a thing the French call "Beurre Manie," which sounds way more sophisticated than "butter mixed with flour."

Beurre Manie--fun to make, fun to say.

Step Ten:  Heat up a tablespoon of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in a frying pan.  Add the reserved bacon and the mushrooms.  Cook for about 10 minutes.

Step Eleven:  Stir the beurre manie into the pot until you notice the sauce thickening.  Then add the sautéed mushrooms and bacon.  Soon, the smell will be almost too much to resist.

Oh man, it's irresistable!

My son, Arlo, agrees.  He guarded the coq au vin for me while I poured a glass of the fine French wine for drinking purposes.

While I ate, Arlo continued to guard against any invaders who would try to steal my meal. 

 

I hesitate to review my own food like all the other celebrity chefs do, but all I can say is . . . "THIS MEAL WAS SOOO GOOD YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT."  

I hope you decide to make it for yourself.  Bon Appetit!