EVERYBODY LOVES CHEF G.

 

Hi folks, Chef. G. here, and I thank you for patiently awaiting my return to the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  I hope you didn't worry about me too much, though I'm sure my two-month absence had to be agonizing for my legion of Chef G-niuses.  I can assure you that, even though I haven't been blogging, I've definitely been cooking.  I cook, like, almost every day.  If I didn't cook, I'd lose my creative celebrity chef edge.  If I didn't cook, I'd go plum crazy.  If I didn't cook, I'd have no reason to live.  If I didn't cook, I wouldn't NEED a reason to live because I'd starve to death.

Anyway, I'm happier than a fox in a Tyson Chicken plant to be back with you today.  That's because I have a very special dish coming up.  It's something I've never cooked before.  Furthermore, it's something I've never even eaten before.  Yet, I'm strangely compelled to give a try.  

Why?  Here's the backstory:

Last night I was watching an old rerun of "Everybody Loves Raymond," which is one of my all-time favorite TV sitcoms.  I think I've seen every episode at least three times over the years and I still laugh at them.  If you're married and can't recognize the humor and everyday reality in that show, I worry for you.

Sorry, I got sidetracked a little bit there.  So, last night's episode reminded me of a recurring joke about Debra Barone's (Raymond's wife's) bad cooking skills.  It seems the only thing she can cook that's any good is her Lemon Chicken.  And it's strongly implied that the only reason she is able to make Lemon Chicken is that the recipe is very easy.

Well, "easy" is right up my alley, so I looked up some Lemon Chicken recipes on the Google Brain.  I could not believe how many variations came up.  I'm guessing Debra Barone's recipe involved nothing more than squirting some lemon juice on baked chicken.  The version I'm going to prepare--using different ideas from various recipes--is a little more complicated than that, but still pretty easy.  

Read on to see how I made "Lemon Chicken ala Chef G."

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Before I could get started, I had to pick up three important ingredients.  (Riding my bike to the grocery store gives me much satisfaction.  I do it almost every day.)

With the purchase of lemons, Italian flat leaf parsley, and a medium-priced dry white wine, I now have everything I need.

I've got the seasonings . . .

. . . and I've got the olive oil and three chicken breasts.

I preheated my oven to 400-degrees Fahrenheit.  Then I mixed three teaspoons of the poultry seasoning, one teaspoon of the garlic powder, 1/4 teaspoon of the freshly-ground pepper, 3/4 teaspoon of Pink Himalayan salt, and 1/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil.

Now, you might be thinking I'm a hack for using "poultry seasoning" instead of fresh oregano, sage, and thyme.  You may be right, but I redeemed myself by using the pretentious Pink Himalayan salt and extra virgin olive oil instead of regular Morton salt and NON-virgin olive oil.  So, take that, you culinary purists!

 

Here's what the slurry looked like after I whisked that combination of lame and pretentious ingredients together.  It looked good enough to drink right out of the bowl, but I resisted and poured it over the chicken breasts instead.

Then, with the help of my professional camera crew, I made a video of me performing what I consider the most important part of the recipe.  I don't use sterile spoons or spatulas to work the spice mixture into the meat.  I use my hands.  I didn't worry about bacteria because my hands were somewhat clean.  That is to say, I washed them within the last couple of hours, and I didn't use the toilet since then.

The next step in preparation was to mince three cloves of garlic and to grate a couple teaspoons of lemon zest into a bowl.  Then I used all the grip strength I had to squeeze every ounce of juice out of a lemon into the same bowl.  The piece de resistance was to turn the bottle of Pinot Grigio a couple times toward the bowl, whisk it all together, and pour it over the seasoned chicken.

Then, I sliced up another lemon and strategically placed the slices on top and in between the chicken breasts.  

Blurry picture of garlic and lemon zest

Pretty picture of the dish before putting it into the oven.

A mediocre picture of the dish after it spent 30 minutes in the oven. 

Before serving, I sprinkled some flat leaf parsley over the top of the chicken.  That helped make the dish look very pretty again. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture of the prettiness.

All I can tell you at this point is that the "Lemon Chicken ala Chef G." was delicious.  I was amazed how nicely the lemon, wine and garlic penetrated the meat.  Mrs. Chef G. and I could taste all the flavors in every single bite.  This dish will definitely become part of my regular rotation of fine meals in the Chef G. household.

"Thank you, Debra, for bringing Lemon Chicken to my attention."

"You're very welcome, Chef G."

What A Celebrity Chef Does When He's Not Writing A Cooking Blog or Receiving Major Culinary Awards

A MONTH OF COOKING

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a hyena scavenging on the rotting carcass of a wildebeest to be here.  That's pretty gosh darn happy, according to most of my hyena friends.  It might even be as happy as ants licking sugar, which I described in my last post.

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Anyway, there is one question I constantly hear from my legion of Chef G-niuses.  "What is the famous Chef G. like in real life," they ask. 

I get it.  I wonder that too about my larger-than-life superheroes like Hunter S. Thompson, David Lynch, Walt Whitman, Lou Reed, Julia Child, Batman (the Adam West version), and the robot from "Lost In Space."

So, in this episode, I'll answer your question by shedding a little light on the everyday life of the REAL Chef G.

I'm actually just a regular guy.  I shovel my driveway, mow the lawn, pay the bills, ride my bike, and spend hours on my computer--just like any normal person.  

And when I'm not producing delicious recipes for my blog, I'm cooking regular old dishes for me and my family. Sometimes we go to a restaurant and let a local chef cook for us.  Below is a chronicle of my delightful eating in the month of January.

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My son, Son of Chef G., lives in the Seattle area, but he was visiting us for the holiday season.  Mrs. Chef G. and I were very happy to have him.  Plus, he has some very fine cooking skills.  Sometime during his visit, he made an amazing batch of chili.  Chef G. recognizes an amazing batch of chili when it is hot enough to make his mouth burn and his forehead sweat, but not so hot that he can't resist a second or third bowl.  I wish I had a picture of his chili creation.  The good news is that I have a lot of other food pictures for your enjoyment.

On New Year's Day, I made a Prime Rib roast.

I didn't achieve my normal perfection with the roast.  It wasn't quite as rare as Son of Chef G. and I like it, but it was still delicious.  Mrs. Chef G. thought it was just right.

The next day, Son of Chef G. made prime rib sliders from the leftovers.  I was very proud of his creativity.

Before we drove Son of Chef G. to the airport for his flight back to Washington state, we went to Bimi Thai, which is MY Town's only Thai restaurant.  I didn't remember to take photos of my Tom Kha Gai or the meals of Son of Chef G. and Mrs. Chef G., but I did get a picture of this fortune from my after-dinner cookie.  (For some reason, I don't think fortune cookies are a thing in Thailand, but I could be wrong.)

I was hopeful that the little piece of paper was telling me The Chef G. Cooking Channel would finally bring me the riches I justly deserve.  I had visions of myself moving into a gigantic mansion very soon.  Of course, the mansion would include a kitchen equipped with the kind of ovens, stoves, pots, pans, and cooking utensils that my celebrity chef competitors take for granted.  

Alas, like so many fortune cookie fortunes in the past, this one didn't come true.  I'm starting to think those fortune cookies really have no idea what is going to happen to me in the future.

************

 

It was very uncharacteristic for Mrs. Chef G. to buy a pork tenderloin so soon after we had the prime rib of beef roast, but I was glad she did.  I told her I'd handle it from there, so I made a brown sugar & soy sauce glaze and cooked that chunk of meat to absolute perfection.

After consuming that pork tenderloin, you'd think I would have had enough pig meat to last well into February.  Um, nope!

A few days later, I had a craving for my Grilled Baby Back Ribs, which were made famous by a very early episode of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  When I get such a craving, it must be satisfied.  I sure wasn't going to let a little snow and cold deter me.

Not surprisingly, the ribs were deliciously delicious.

It was time to move on from beef and pork to another meat.  This meat is rich in omega-3 fatty acids and fishy flavor.  I baked a 1.25 pound salmon fillet in the oven.  Do you have any doubt that it was prepared to the highest celebrity chef standards?  I didn't think so.

Medium rare, pretty, and pretty tasty

I'm really good at boiling water, but I don't always use it in a recipe.  Every year, I make a nice batch of boiled water on a super cold day and use it for conducting a scientific experiment.  Last week, nature cooperated by providing a nice temperature of 20-below-zero [F].

On that day, my other son, Chef Arlo, didn't watch my experiment.  He had his boots and puffy jacket on, but he only wanted to be outside long enough to pee.

This weekend, I made one of my favorite dishes.  It was a long-time Chef G. family tradition, started by my dad, to have a popcorn party every Sunday night.  I don't make it EVERY Sunday night, like Father Chef G. did, but I make it on a lot of Sunday nights.  

On this Sunday night, I made popcorn in preparation for the NFC Championship game between the Los Angeles Rams and the Seattle Seahawks.  Football goes with popcorn like breakfast goes with eggs.

Popcorn popped in a pan with coconut oil.

The popcorn was shoved into Chef G.'s mouth on game day.  I was rooting for the team from Seattle because that's where Son of Chef G. lives.  Thanks to our support, Seattle won the game.

The next day, I had another craving.  This time it was for chicken lo mein.  I made it with rice noodles this time and it turned out to be just as good as when I use semolina noodles.  Who woulda thunk it?

Damn, that was some good stuff.

Not surprisingly, I can cook delicious food for canine puppies as well as I can cook for human adults.  Chef Arlo agrees.

 

High quality kibble with a little water mixed in.  Arlo loved it.

I'm going to finish off this post full of January cooking with something I didn't cook.  Mrs. Chef G. can cook too.  Last night, she made a fine batch of Spanish Rice.  It's one of her favorite dishes.  I must admit, it's pretty darn good.

A Mrs. Chef G. specialty

Thank you for watching.  Have a nice day. See you next time.  Hasta luego.

Stirring Up Stir Fry Memories

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Hi folks, Happy New Year, and welcome to the 66th episode of the finest cooking blog in the western hemisphere of my town.  I'm your host, Chef G., and I am super happy to be here.  You could say I'm happier than an ant on a sugar high.  

Have you ever seen an ant all hopped-up on sugar?  I have.  In fact, I've seen a whole messed-up horde of 'em and, let me tell you, it's almost impossible to describe the crazed joy I saw on their faces as they spent an hour licking the remains of some evaporated soda pop off a picnic table.  I felt like I was watching a weird remake of the classic anti-marijuana movie, "Reefer Madness," except that the actors were ants and the drug was Dr. Pepper. 

So, if you can imagine all those tiny smiles on all those tiny faces, you'll have a pretty good idea of the huge smile on my huge face today.  The reason for my huge smile is that I get to talk about the dish I make more often than any other.  It's a dish that is fun & easy to prepare, it's healthier than most of the foods I make, it's my go-to dish when my creative food mind goes blank, and it's wide open to many variations--most of which turn out to be delicious.  Have you guessed what it is yet?

Ants, after abusing hard core sugar.  Note the drugged-out bulging eyeballs and huge smiles.

Chef G. used no drugs and licked no sugar before posing for this picture, yet his smile is just as big as the smiles on those ants.

STIR-FRY

Sometime back in the 1980's, I got my first wok.  Mrs. Chef G. gave it to me.  Prior to that, my cooking consisted of baking frozen pizzas in the oven, tossing salads, scrambling eggs, pouring cans of soup into a pan, and preparing boxes of Hamburger Helper or Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

I truly believe that wok was the most important factor in my transformation from the lazy-bachelor cook I was as a young man to the world-class-chef I am today.  Ever since I got that thing, I've been stir-frying every kind of meat and vegetable you can think of, experimenting with new Asian herbs and spices, testing various homemade and store-bought sauces, and pouring my creations over different kinds of rice and different kinds of noodles.

I found this internet photo to show you what my first wok looked like.  It was beautiful but can you believe I wore it out after only 40 years?

Thank goodness, Mrs. Chef G. bought me another one last year.  It's the one I'm holding in the photo you saw earlier on this page.  (That would be the photo in which I'm wearing my chef's hat and a gigantic ant-like smile.)  The steel in my new wok is thicker and it radiates heat like an 18-inch-diameter sun.  I'm quite sure it will last me the rest of my life--even if, by some kind of miracle, I manage to live three more years.

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It's true, you can use any kind of meat in a stir-fry.  Beef, pork, chicken and shrimp are the most common, but don't be afraid to use lamb, goat, turkey, salmon, venison, or rodent. 

It doesn't have to be fresh meat either.  Leftover meat can easily be turned into a delicious stir-fry.  I once diced up some two-day-old smoked brisket for one of the best ones I ever made.  I think even roadkill would be fine after frying it in hot oil with soy sauce and shallots.

Vegetable choices are unlimited too.  Heck, you don't necessarily even need meat for a good stir-fry.  Always use garlic, onions, and red chili pepper though.  Beyond that, go crazy!  I like carrots, broccoli, asparagus, green beans, green bell peppers, zucchini, cabbage, mushrooms, ginger, and probably a few other things I can't think of right now.  I'm primarily a meatatarian--not an expert on veggies--but I've heard there are many hundreds of edible plants out there.  

Today, I'm going to instruct you on how to make a basic stir fry.  To the best of my memory, it'll be a replication of the very first one I ever cooked.  After that, I'll leave the wonderful world of stir-fry experimentation up to you.  ENJOY!

The first step is to prepare a stir-fry sauce.  There are many such sauces in the grocery store but, believe it or not, I didn't know that when I made my first stir-fry.  I followed a recipe to make my own. 

Here are the ingredients.  Bring it all to a boil, turn down the heat, and let it simmer in the pan while you continue with the next steps. 

Next, cook up a batch of rice according to the directions on the package.

Cut a chicken breast into 1/2" pieces.

Stir-fry them in olive oil for a few minutes.  (I know olive oil isn't exactly authentic to Asian cooking, but that's what I always use no matter what kind of ethnic dishes I make.)  Remove the browned chicken, set it aside in a bowl, and wipe the wok with paper towel for the next step.

Get out the knife and cut some vegetables.  You can't go wrong with broccoli, zucchini, onion, red pepper flakes, garlic, and carrot.

After pouring some fresh olive oil into the wok and turning the burner up to high heat, I made a couple of videos that demonstrate the next steps.  Even though my camera man didn't film my face, rest assured that I was the one doing the narrating and the stirring.

It only takes a couple minutes to stir-fry the vegetables.  Add the chicken back into the wok and stir for another minute.  It will probably look like this when you're done.

That's when you pour a little bit of your delicious homemade sauce in there.  Stir for a minute and serve over a bowl of rice.

Oooooh-weeee, that's some good food!

BE IT RESOLVED: CHEF G. IS A HACK WHO DESERVES NO CELEBRITY CHEF STATUS AT ALL: (THE DEBATE OF THE CENTURY)

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a worm in a compost pile to be here.  That's because I have a very special episode for you.  My tribe of Chef G-niuses all over the world have been begging for a celebrity chef debate for years.  They want to know who deserves their vote for President of the United States' Celebrity Chef Club (POTUSCCC).  Well, when you beg, I deliver.

I contacted my toughest culinary rival--Chef Gordo Ramses--and challenged him to a one-on-one battle of wits and intelligence.  I told him about my vision of the greatest, nastiest, no-holds-barred, celebrity chef debate of all time.  

He was hesitant at first, and for good reason--he's still reeling from the ignominious beat-down I gave him in last month's steak grilling contest. (See Chef G. Cooking Channel Episode #62) 

He let his guard down when I told him the debate could achieve the highest viewership ratings in the history of celebrity chef debates.  Then he readily agreed.  Chef Ramses is not only vain, but also a bigtime publicity hound.   

I offered the broadcasting rights to The Cooking Channel, The Food Network, PBS, and every other broadcaster of cooking programs, but, incredibly, they all passed on the chance to air the debate.  They thought it would be, as one network bigwig said, "beneath the dignity of a legitimate purveyor of food information."  

Fine, it's their loss and my gain.  I'm going to post the transcript of the debate right here on the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  You're welcome.

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I should mention that I have a secret weapon to unleash on my opponent.  Chef Ramses doesn't know that I learned the art of argumentation in a high school debate class.  I believe I got a B+ grade so, yeah, I have skills.  I will utilize those skills to CRUSH him.  When all is said and done, I will be more famous than ever before.  I'll be wealthier too, because the winner gets a $100 shopping spree at the Spiral Food Co-op in Hastings, Minnesota. 

Since the debate is being aired on my blog, I got to choose the emcee and moderator.  In the interest of fairness, I selected a highly-respected and totally-neutral food expert for that role.  His name is Arlo and he is well known for his voracious appetite and for being willing to eat almost anything--including dog food, sticks, leaves, crabapples, unidentifiable bones, and other stuff in my yard.  Given the opportunity, he would be even more adventurous of an eater than Andrew Zimmern.  I'm pretty sure no animal blood, guts, or reproductive organs would be off-limits to my new best friend.  That said, I turn the mic over to my completely unbiased debate moderator.  Take it away, Arlo.

**********

Thank you, Chef G., for your nice introduction and for all the good food you give me.

Yes, my name is Arlo, and I am proud to introduce the contestants for tonight's debate.

In the corner to my left is one of the world's most famous celebrity chefs.  Chef Gordo Ramses has numerous television shows and he's pretty damn smug about his hoity-toity, fancy pants, ultra-expensive, Michelin-starred restaurants that feature dishes no regular people eat.  How about a warm welcome for Chef Gordo Ramses!

[A smattering of mild applause and quiet boos.]

You'll need a lot of money to eat at any of his restaurants.

   

Chef Ramses' opponent, in the corner to my right, needs no introduction.  Chef G. is just a humble, lovable egotist who makes food for the common man.  The entire foodie world knows him from his amazing cooking blog, his delicious recipes, his entertaining podcast, a couple of #1 hit songs on the Billboard (Billbored?) Charts, and the great food he serves in his unpretentious restaurant.  To my knowledge, Chef Gordo Ramses has NEVER written a song, much less a #1 hit.  Just sayin'.

[Wild cheering and very loud applause from the hometown crowd of Chef G-niuses.]

Chef G.'s unpretentious restaurant is hidden on the backstreets of the Boston-Cambridge area of Massachusetts.  (Photo credit to Mary B., who lives in that area.)

It's time for me to quit flapping my cute jaws and get this debate underway.

  

To refresh your memories, the topic is:  "Be it Resolved: Chef G. is a hack who deserves no celebrity chef status at all."

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We'll start with Chef Gordo, who will be taking the Affirmative Position.  Chef Gordo, you have two minutes to present your case.

CHEF GORDO:  Thank you, sir . . . or puppy . . . or shill for Chef G . . . or whatever you are.  I am here today to tell you Chef G. is many things--fraud, charlatan, smooth talking conman, braggart, fucking doofus--who will do ANYTHING for attention, fame, and money.  The one thing he is NOT is a legitimate chef.  He's shit!  He's a fucking clown!  A monkey! The guy has never studied the art of cooking under any of the great European, Asian, African, South American, Australian, or Antarctic chefs.  In fact, I don't even know a single AMERICAN chef who knows of his existence.  My advice to everybody under his cult-like spell is to quit watching the Chef G. Cooking Channel immediately, then start watching one of my many cooking competitions on your local FOX-TV station.  I yield the rest of my two minutes.

ARLO:  Thank you, Chef Gordo.  Next, we'll give Chef G. two minutes for his rebuttal.

CHEF G:  I mean no disrespect to Chef Gordo, but that guy couldn't recognize good food unless it had at least 30 ingredients and took at least three hours to prepare and cook.  That's messed up.  Most people don't want to wait that long to eat.  They MIGHT wait that long in a restaurant, but only if they are with good friends and had a constant flow of martinis and Manhattans to facilitate lively conversation and to ease the pain of horrendous hunger.  Thank you for listening. I relinquish the rest of my time.

ARLO:  Thank YOU, Chef G., for telling it like it is.  You are amazing.  Even so, I suppose I have to allow one minute for Chef Gordo's follow-up.

CHEF GORDO:  I surrender.  Chef G. outdebated me fair and square.  His logic is too solid to argue against.  I'm convinced Chef G. is the greatest celebrity chef of all time.  THERE, I said it.  Now, just please leave me alone.

ARLO:  Holy cow!  I did not expect this result.  It was as disappointing as spending $10,000 dollars for a front row seat at a major prize fight, only to witness a knockout in the first round.  WTF?  

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Okay, I am now working my way to Chef G.'s locker room for a post-debate interview.  Oh look, I found him.  "Dude, you dominated this debate in every aspect--offense, defense, and special teams.  How did you do it?" 

CHEF G.:  In a word--"preparation."  It's all about preparation.  I prepare ingredients when I cook, and I prepare words when I debate.  I knew Chef Gordo couldn't match my preparation.  He had no game plan.  Show me a chef with no game plan and I'll show you a loser.

ARLO:  "Good answer, Chef G."

I moved on from that in-depth interview and entered Chef Gordo's locker room.  Sadly, it has a powerful aura of defeat.  "What happened, Chef Gordo?" I asked.   

CHEF GORDO:  I don't know what the hell hit me.  I was relying on my trademark barrage of foul language to intimidate Chef G. and send him cowering in fear.  That tactic always works on the amateur chefs who appear on my TV cooking competitions, but that Chef G. guy remained calm and composed.  Instead of crying, he went on the counterattack.  I had no answer to that.

ARLO:  There you have it folks.  The greatest celebrity chef debate in history ends with Chef G. knocking out Chef Gordo in the first round.

I'm thankful that Chef G. and Mrs. Chef G. adopted me and love me.  Also, I thank everybody here at The Chef G. Cooking Channel for watching this debate.