Drunken Noodles, Sober Chef

Hi folks, Chef G. here and I'm happier than a 12-point buck who survived hunting season to welcome you back to The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  In case you got lost on the internet and found yourself reading this oddity by mistake, let me fill you in on what's going on.  This site is dedicated to Making America's Grossly Average Cooking Righteous And Powerful Again.  As the big kahuna of the MAGACRAPA movement, I am proud to say that out of all the celebrity chef blogs based in the northern part of the central part of my area of the upper Midwest, mine is ranked #1.

[Thank you, studio audience, for that generous round of applause.  Now let's get down to the serious work of making delicious food.]

As promised last month, I'm going to cook another Thai dish.  Thailanders have one of the most intriguing food cultures in the world and I barely scratched the surface of Thaiborg cooking with my Tom Kha Gai.  If I ever hope to wear the coveted BowThai Award for excellence in Thaiowan cooking, I know I have to expand my Thaihorizons.

That brings me to Pad Kee Mao, which, if I'm not mistaken, translates to "Drunken Noodles."  I used the Googler thing on my computer to obtain some history behind the name, but I forgot most of what I read.  I'm a senior citizen who just got over a bout with Covid.  I can't be expected to remember stuff I learned more than two hours ago.

One thing I DO remember reading is that Pad Kee Mao is often eaten in Thailand late at night after partying with friends.  Speaking from past experience, the food equivalent in America would be those tiny hamburgers I used to get at White Castle well after midnight.

I also used the Googler to look up some recipes for Thai Drunken Noodles.  I could not believe how many versions of Pad Kee Mao there are, and how the ingredients for those recipes are all over the place.  It seems you can put almost any kind of meat, any kind of vegetables, and any kind of spices you want into this scrumptious dish.  With that kind of freedom, who knows what I might cook up?

There ARE a few constants though.  Every recipe I saw included soy sauce, fish sauce, sugar, hot chili peppers, flat rice noodles, and holy basil.  I could not find holy basil at my local market, so I settled for its cousin, blasphemous basil. 

Another concession I made to authentic Pad Kee Mau is that I reduced the heat.  My tongue, esophagus and guts can no longer tolerate high levels of capsaicin.  Therefore, I used just a couple mildly hot peppers--peppers in the middle of the Scoville Scale rather than the super high heat of the hybrid chili peppers out there.  (Try eating a scorpion or ghost pepper sometime.)

So there you go.  My plan is to preserve the many fine flavors contained in Pad Kee Mao without overwhelming them with mouth-burning torture.  Another part of my plan is to make drunken noodles without being drunk.  A couple of local craft beers should suffice.

   

I should have waited to post this picture until I worked out a payment agreement with the local brewery.  An endorsement from Chef G. will make them $Millions.  Now, I'll be lucky to get a few thousand bucks out of the deal.

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In the following pictures, you'll see the ingredients I selected for my Pad Kee Mao.

Clockwise from upper left:  Sliced red bell pepper, green onions, blasphemous basil, minced garlic, minced ginger, sliced shallot, hot chili peppers. 

Flat rice noodles. 

Chicken thigh pieces mixed with a bit of water, a tad of cornstarch, a modicum of olive oil, and a scootch of soy sauce.

Pretty easy so far, right?  While the rice noodles softened in boiling water for a couple of minutes, I put the seasoned chicken pieces into very hot oil in my wok.

I could almost eat this nicely seared chicken already.  But I'll wait.

I removed the chicken from the wok and set it aside.  Then I added a little more oil and tossed in the garlic, ginger and shallot.  A half minute later, the red bell peppers, the chili peppers, and the blasphemous basil went in.  I stirred it all together, because that's what you do with a stir fry.

Quickly thereafter, I returned the chicken to the wok.  A little more oil too.  Then the rice noodles were added.  Then came the sauce I made from a tablespoon of brown sugar, two tablespoons of soy sauce, two tablespoons of fish sauce (sorry, none for you Mrs. Chef G.) and a little pepper.  For good measure, I poured an ounce of ale into the mix.  Check out the process in the next few pictures.  

The stirring was great.  The sizzle was great.  The beauty was greater.  The aroma was greatest.  I could not wait to scoop some into a bowl to see if the taste was BEYOND great.

Oh My Golly Gosh, it was so f***ing good.

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AN ATTEMPT TO CRITIQUE MY OWN DISH IN AN UNBIASED MANNER

I apologized to my studio audience for the profane outburst in the last picture's caption.  Surprisingly, most of them agreed that my swearing was not emphatic ENOUGH about the deliciousness.

Indeed, it was truly delicious, but I see some avenues for improvement.  Most of those avenues are related to my reluctance to buy additional ingredients that I'm not familiar with and that I might not ever use again.  For example, do you REALLY need fish sauce AND oyster sauce?  Do you really need DARK soy sauce AND regular soy sauce?  Will Shaoxing Wine be a better additive than beer?  Is holy basil that much better than blasphemous basil?

After tasting the wonderful flavors of my humble Pad Kee Mao, I think the answer to all of those questions is "yes."  I'm ready to take it to the next level.

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NEWS UPDATE

Somehow, even before I had a chance to take my dish to the next level, Thai chefs from around the world noticed my recipe and loved it.  I guess that's a testament to the influence of The Chef G. Cooking Channel, my personal fame, and the MAGACRAPA movement.

At the annual Conference of Thai Chefs, I humbly accepted The BowThai Award for excellence in Thai cooking.  

A CHEF G. FAMILY THANKGIVING (And the Aftermath)

Hi folks, Chef G. here.  As always, it's great to see all you wonderful, sophisticated, and loyal fans who tuned in for another episode of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Sure, I'm supercool and all, but dedicated viewers like you deserve some of the credit for my incredible success too.  Without you, I'd be nothing but a brilliant, yet unknown chef preparing delicious food for myself in my own kitchen.  BORING!  Cooking is so much more fun when I have a legion of fans I can brag to.

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You don't have to remind me that I promised a second consecutive Thai dish in the last episode.  I already know that, because I'm the guy who wrote it.  Yes, today was going to be the day I featured Pad Kee Mao, but the aftermath of last week's Chef G. Family Thanksgiving Dinner changed things a little bit.  Please allow me to tell you about it.

The Chef G. family was most thankful.  We all agreed that this was the largest family gathering in at least 20 years.  Our family is small, so, for us, twelve people is pretty large.  It included my 89-year-old dad, his three sons, two daughters-in law, and most of his grandchildren & their partners.  With much reminiscing, story telling, and joking, a good time was had by all.  We didn't even get into a contentious political fight because we're all on the same page in that regard.

 

The main table.  The family patriarch is at the end.  Behind him is a smaller table where the family members who didn't race to the main table had to sit.

The food was delicious too, even though the amazing Chef G. didn't cook it.  Chef G's brother, Chef D., made all of the traditional Thanksgiving dishes--mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, stuffing, yams, rutabagas, salad, corn, etc.  He even roasted the turkey--and he's a vegetarian.  What a trooper.

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The Chef G. Family Thanksgiving Dinner was at my dad's house in the great state of Iowa.  A few days after returning home to Minnesota, I felt a cold coming on.  The next day, my brother, Chef D., texted that he had tested positive for Covid.  Being that I was not feeling up to par, I tested myself.  I, too, was positive.

So far, everybody else at the gathering has tested negative.  Based on those results, I can only conclude that this strain of the Coronavirus only attacks high level chefs.  What's up with that?

Anyway, I didn't think it would be appropriate to go shopping for Pad Kee Mao ingredients this morning.  Why expose a bunch of innocent grocery store customers to the Chefaronavirus?  Instead, I planned to grill some chicken thighs I had in the refrigerator.  Undeterred by a little snow on the ground, high winds, and a 17-degree (F) temperature, I followed up on that plan.

No doubt about it, they'll be delicious.

Perhaps the most interesting part of my second day of Covid was when I opened up my computer machine to look at my news feed.  One of the items included a list of the best cooking shows.  I sure didn't need to scroll through the click-bait to know who the #1 chef in the world is.  

It's ME . . . obviously.

Get ready for Pad Kee Mao next week.  Thank you for reading.

TOM KHA GAI AND TOP CHEF G.

 

Hi folks, my name is Chef G, and I'm as happy as a hockey player on freshly Zambonied ice to welcome you back to the 48th episode of the world's most amazing food blog--The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Viewers, readers, and critics alike continue to shower my program with praise, respect, admiration, and general expressions of love . . .  and rightly so.  Heck, I'm pretty sure that even the celebrity chefs on other cooking channels are insanely jealous of my improbable success.

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Today, I will be venturing into the world of Thai cuisine for the very first time.  I've been wanting to make Thai Coconut Chicken Soup ever since I heard such a thing existed.  In Thailand, they call it Tom Kha Gai, and the interesting combination of ingredients sounded too delicious to resist.

As you know, I'm a pretty humble guy--especially when it comes to discussing my incredibly awesome chef skills.  But today I'm going to have to brag a little bit.  Let me just say that my rendition of Tom Kha Gai turned out the be the best Tom Kha Gai in Tom Kha Gai history.  

Okay, I have to admit this is not the time to be modest.  I might as well go ahead and shout out the truth: My Tom Kha Gai turned out to be the best soup of ANY kind ever cooked by ANYbody in the history of soups!  As soon as I publish this recipe (which will be in a few minutes) I'm probably going to be getting calls from Thai chefs from all over the world for permission to use it in their own restaurants.  And just to prove that I'm as generous as I am humble, I'll be willing to sell the rights to the highest bidder.

Anyway, I'm going to show you how to make my new favorite soup by way of the following photo-documentary:

First, cut two chicken breasts into bite-sized pieces and brown them in a frying pan.

Did you know the Thai word for chicken is "Gai?"  I took this picture of two gai(s) that had wandered onto my dad's driveway when I was down in Iowa last week. 

While the gai is sauteing, you can select a nice red hot chili pepper, cut some fresh ginger root into 1/4" x 1/2" pieces, chop two cloves of garlic, slice 1/4 of a large onion, and prepare a large stalk of lemongrass.
 

Throw all those aromatic vegetables into a tablespoon of hot oil and saute for five minutes.  (I had coconut oil on hand, but I'm pretty sure olive oil will produce fine results as well.)

After the five minutes, add a quart of gai broth to the mixture of onions, garlic, chili pepper, ginger and lemongrass.  I should have boiled a gai carcass for a few hours to make my own broth, but I didn't plan that far ahead.  Instead, I used a box of Swanson's Chicken (gai) Broth.

While the broth simmered with the aromatics, I continued with the next preparations. 

I squeezed the crap out of a half-lime to produce 3 tablespoons of lime juice.  I saved the other half of the lime to garnish the soup.

I opened two cans of Thai coconut milk.  It was another shortcut--like my chicken broth shortcut.  I just didn't feel like squeezing the crap out of a fresh coconut for four cups of coconut milk.  If you want to do that, have at it.  Another concession I made to authenticity is that I used two tablespoons of soy sauce instead of two tablespoons of fish sauce.  Mrs. Chef G. is allergic to fish products, so that substitution was necessary if I wanted her to enjoy my Tom Kha Gai too. 

I also started chopping the garnishes for my soup:  cilantro, green onion, and the other half of the lime I mentioned earlier.  Thank goodness my gigantic brain remembered at the last minute to slice a cup of fresh mushrooms.  I damn near forgot that important ingredient. 

After simmering for 30 minutes, I strained the aromatics out of the broth.  Then I poured the clear broth back into the soup pot and raised the heat.

That's when I poured the coconut milk, the lime juice, the gai (chicken), the soy sauce, and the 'shrooms into the pot.

The aromas emanating from my kitchen attracted animals from near and far.  Here is a squirrel who came to my back porch to check out the deliciousness.

After about ten minutes of simmering, it was time to ladle out a couple bowlfuls for Mrs. Chef G. and me.  I added a lime slice and a bit of cilantro & green onion to each bowl for garnish, and prepared to dig in.

Don't let the boring beige and green appearance fool you.  This soup was sweet, sour, spicy, zesty, savory, citrusy, herbaceous, tenacious, chunky, and slurp-worthy all at the same time.  What a combination of flavors!

It's no surprise that I gave my delicious dish a "thumbs-up" rating, but I can't believe my team of editors didn't catch the mis-spelling of "Kha" on my chef's hat. 

Before concluding this fine episode of The Chef G. Cooking Channel, I have to prepare you for the next fine episode.  It will be another Thai dish, partly because this Thai dish was so delicious, but also partly because I received a comment from a fellow chef from Australia who mentioned something called Pad Kee Mao.  That was a few months ago, but I just remembered it now.  I looked up Pad Kee Mao and it almost looks too good to be true.  Never let it be said that I don't take recommendations.

 

TWO MASTER CHEFS AT WORK

 Hi folks!  Of course, the world's greatest celebrity chef needs no introduction, but I'll introduce myself anyway.  I'm Chef G., the star of the Chef G. Cooking Channel, your favorite cooking blog and the #1 source of foodie entertainment in the entire world of Southeastern Minnesota.

I have a very special episode in store for you today.  For the first time ever, I am going to share center stage with another chef.  My co-chef is a rising star in the culinary world, and I believe she might be the only chef in the world who is worthy of working in a kitchen with me.

Together, we are going to prepare Chicken & Wild Rice Soup, which is one of my signature dishes.  My long-term fans will remember when I featured that delicious concoction in the first season of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Those of you who have become fans more recently can check it out by clicking on the link below.  

THE CHEF G. COOKING CHANNEL: CHICKEN SOUP WITH BUGS: The Quintessential Minnesota Meal

That episode was recipe-driven.  Today's episode will be personality-driven, and let me tell you, today's guest chef has plenty of personality.  With that in mind, please greet my five-year-old niece, Chef G-ette, with a rousing round of applause.  (I think she'll want you to know that she turned SIX years old two days after filming.)

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Throughout my introductions, Chef G-ette has been hard at work, prepping and stirring while on a foot stand about 10" off the floor. Let's join her with a series of videos as she slaves over a hot stove.

  

I think it was just before the next video that Chef G-ette said something that made me think she's been watching too many cooking shows.  It went something like this:  "Now I'm going to work some Gracie magic."  I was impressed.  

As you can see, Chef G-ette is precocious, precious, and pretty peculiar.  She's fearless, fiendish and funny.  I guess you could say she's also mischievous to the max.  Nevertheless, we had a blast cooking together, just as I used to have a blast cooking with my own Chef G. offspring back in the day.

This is what Chef G.'s Chicken & Wild Rice Soup looks like.

Thank you to Chef G-ette for co-hosting today, and thank you to all you folks who keep tuning in.  And a special thank you to Mrs. Chef G. who served as my camera crew and who came up with the crazy idea to post the videos on The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

Glad to do it, Loudmouth Chef G.

CHOPS WITH SALSA: Chef G. Cooks Iowa Pork

 

Hi folks, world famous cooking specialist Chef G. here.  Once again, I'm interrupting your day with another irresistible recipe.  It is officially autumn now and I feel a little bad that you've chosen my humble little blog over going to your son's high school football game, or seeing him being coronated as Homecoming King, or watching your daughter's la crosse championship game, or harvesting your crops, or raking your lawn, or keeping your reservation for an all-expenses-paid leaf-viewing trip to Vermont.

I don't claim The Chef G. Cooking Channel is more important than those autumn life events, but I'm not denying it either.  I'm pretty sure this post will be bigger than the Super Bowl, The World Cup, and the final episodes of M*A*S*H*, Seinfeld, and The Bachelorette combined.

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Today's episode is basically an homage to Iowa, the state where I grew up from a shrimpy 4th grader to an immature high school graduate.  It will feature Iowa grown fruits and vegetables, and pig meat raised and marketed in that great state.

Most importantly, this episode was conjured up while on one of my monthly visits to Iowa, where I visit my dad and take him to medical appointments.  It began when my brother's girlfriend (let's call her "Beckster") delivered some fresh tomatoes and banana peppers.  She grew them herself in her garden and was kind enough to share them with me.  My amazing culinary mind immediately began thinking about ways to incorporate those things into a signature Chef G. dish. 

My mind isn't as sharp as it used to be--so it took a couple of days--but I eventually came up with something that sounded too good to be true.  Check it out! 

     

Fresh, garden-grown tomatoes and banana peppers.

I used the tomatoes and banana peppers as the main ingredients in a pico de gallo type salsa.

You might be wondering, "How did you do that, Chef G?"

My answer would be, "Have a little patience.  I'm about to show you by way of a video produced by the professional team at Chef G. Studios.

When the salsa task was completed, I moved on to the meat portion of my recipe.  With the possible exception of corn on the cob, pork chops are the quintessential Iowa dish.  In my opinion, thick cut Iowa Pork Chops are every bit as delicious as a filet mignon, a rack of lamb, or a salmon steak.  (By the way, I received no payments from the Iowa Pork Producers Association for that endorsement.)

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The pork portion of this production will proceed with a properly placed video of the pork chop preparation:

Proceed to put the professionally seasoned pork onto your grill grate directly above the hot charcoals.  Cook them for about six to eight minutes on each side.  When they achieve the Chef G. perfection shown in the next picture, it will be time to remove them from the grill, run them up to the kitchen, and let them rest for a few minutes.

Then the fun part begins.  Slather those pork chops with the salsa you prepared earlier.  Let the juices sink in.  Then, chow down like there was no tomorrow.

All I can say is OMFG!  It is so good!

Indeed, the pork chops were excellent.  I was even able to enjoy most of the second one the next day.  Better than that, I enjoyed the rest of the salsa the next day by scooping tortilla chips into it and stuffing all of it into my mouth.

Seriously good chips & salsa.  Thanks, Beckster.

Overall, Chef G. gives this post a huge "Iowa thumbs up."

TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF SHRIMP

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here with another episode of the award-winning Chef G. Cooking Channel.  One day, a skeptical reader asked, "what award did you win?"

"There are too many to name," I replied.

"Just name one," was his comeback.

"I refuse to dignify your stupid question with an answer."  I sure put him in his place!   

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Today, I'm going to tell you about my two-day fling with shrimps.  Yes, in Chef. G.'s world, the plural of shrimp is shrimps.  Not only that, but shrimps have a special meaning to me.  That's because I used to be a shrimp.  Not a literal shrimp, but a figurative shrimp.  That's right, between First and Tenth Grades, in four different towns, I was always one of the smallest kids in my class.

If I have no other purpose in this world, I hope my journey from shrimpy kid to culinary giant will inspire underdogs everywhere to strive for the stars . . . and beyond . . .

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DAY ONE OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SHRIMPS: Pan Fried

Tigers are known for their ferociousness.  When I saw something called "Tiger Shrimp" in my local grocery store's meat department, I worried about getting attacked by man-eating shrimp.  Thank goodness, I overcame my fear.

The tiger shrimp, while quite large, seemed pretty harmless--especially with their heads chopped off.  So, I brought a dozen of them home to test my shellfish cooking skills.

To my delight, the meat department guy accidentally gave me 13 shrimps--not the dozen I ordered.  Also, I was surprised that the 13 shrimps amounted to One American Pound of fresh seafood.  I divided the batch in two.  I put one half in the refrigerator for tomorrow and prepared the other half for today.  

 

As it turns out, Tiger Shrimp are so named because of the black stripes around their shells.  They have nothing to do with actual Bengal Tigers. 

My preparation began with melting some butter in a pan with olive oil.

Then you must throw some minced garlic into the pan.  Shrimp and garlic go hand-in-hand.

Then I added lime juice and soy sauce.

Saute for a couple minutes

Flip them over and saute for a couple more minutes

Sprinkle some chopped cilatro leaves over the top

And serve over a bed of brown rice.  DAMN that was good.

DAY TWO OF MY SHRIMPIAN ADVENTURE:  Charcoal Grilled

A half-hour before grilling, I whipped up a marinade for the shrimps.  My marinade recipe was excellent, but the video of me preparing it was beyond excellent.  It was brilliant.  Kudos to me and my team of cameramen, sound engineers, & technical advisors.  Check it out.

After the shrimps marinate, I'm going to stab a wooden skewer through them before grilling.  I'm glad I remembered an important step along the way.

One thing I've forgotten to do while making shish-kabobs in the past, is to soak the wooden skewers in water before putting them on the grill so they don't start on fire.

After a couple minutes over direct heat, the bottoms of the shrimps will turn orange.  That's the time to turn the skewer over.

Then, grill them for two minutes on the other side.

The photo is bad, but the shrimp was excellent.