Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a Martian with a new flying saucer to be back on the Chef G. Cooking Channel. If you saw the awful episode that aired last month, you already know I wasn't on it. You also know it was hosted by a dude named Chef L. You also know the Chef L. dude made some outrageous claims about me and my show. What you DON'T know are the true facts behind my absence that day. Before I get to today's recipe, I must set the record straight.
- FALSE FACT #1: Chef L. reported that I didn't show up for work that day, so the producers had to scramble to find a replacement.
- TRUE FACT: If my producers really wanted to find me, all they had to do was stop by my mansion. With that minimal bit of effort, they could have heard my excuse. I would have explained how I had a recipe idea involving a rare strain of Mexican mushrooms and I needed to learn more about them. After a long night of totally legit cooking related research, I fell into a deep slumber in my beanbag chair while listening to Pink Floyd on the headphones.
- FALSE FACT #2: Chef L. claimed The Chef G. Cooking Channel's ratings have stagnated under my leadership.
- TRUE FACT: What he conveniently failed to mention is that the ratings have steadily risen in the all-important doofus/dork/dipshit demographic. (Also known as, the DDDD.)
- FALSE FACT #3: Chef L. made the accusation that my show was forced to accept commercial advertising in order to support what he called my "lavish lifestyle."
- TRUE FACT: If you call basic needs like a private jet and a 400-foot yacht "lavish," you are out of touch with the realities of the celebrity chef world. It's important that I travel all over the globe to learn more about cooking food so I can teach others about cooking food. I do so not for me, but for YOU.
- FALSE FACT #4: Chef L. implied The Chef G. Cooking Channel is going to continue using a series of guest hosts this year.
- TRUE FACT: That is nothing more than a conspiracy theory propagated by Elon and Don. I have a conspiracy theory of my own. I heard that Elon & Don were putting pressure on my production team to turn against me. They wanted me off the air because they considered me to be a member of the "liberal Hollywood elite." I have evidence:
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| My camera man secretly caught this interaction between the two oligarchs. |
Well, I stood up to those bastards and reclaimed my blog for the good of free speech and for the good of the people who love delicious Chef G. food. I can only hope the U.S. Congress can muster the guts to stand up to them as well.
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I'm going to make a Mexican dish today. At least for now huevos rancheros is still considered a Mexican dish. Who knows when the Elon/Don administration will try to re-classify it as an "American Dish?" (See the Gulf of America stupidity.)
My dish will be similar to Huevos Rancheros, except that I'm not going to mix the huevos, the chorizo, the pico de gallo, and some other ingredients for which I do not know the Spanish words. That way, I can satisfy the different tastes of ME, Mrs. Chef G, and Son of Chef G. who is visiting us this month.
I already know Mrs. Chef G. won't like the spicy chorizo sausage. Son of Chef G. is not a fan of avocado. Chef G. himself, though, selfishly likes everything he'll be preparing. The great thing about my recipe is that each one of us can choose his or her own delicious ingredients to put on our plates. NICE!
Probably the most important thing is to make your pico de gallo a day in advance. That gives the flavors of tomato, onion, garlic, cilantro, orange bell pepper, jalapeno pepper, and lime juice time to meld in the refrigerator overnight.
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| I don't mean to brag, but my pico de gallo salsa is the BEST. |
The real fun begins the next day. That's when you go to the local food co-op and buy some organic eggs, onions, avocados, and Beeler's chorizo sausage. I specify Beeler's because I just read that company has been "raising the perfect pig since Iowa became a state." In addition, it's "quite possibly the best tasting chorizo on the planet." I'm too lazy to verify either one of those claims but, being an Iowa expat, I'm willing to accept them as a true facts.
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| When you get home, put about 1/2 pound of the Iowa chorizo sausage into a hot pan, break it up, and cook it for exactly eight minutes. Then set it aside for the next steps. |
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| Crack a bunch of eggs into a bowl with a 1/4 cup of milk and a couple dashes of salt and pepper. Whisk it all like crazy. |
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| After admiring the result of your whisking, pour the egg mixture into a pan with melted butter. For tenderest and fluffiest results, don't stir the eggs, fold them. |
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| Next, cut open an avocado, remove the pit, and slice the cool green fruit. |
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| You can garnish with green onions and cilantro if you want. You can eat the components separately if you want. You can stir them all together if you want. You can also put the ingredients on top of a tortilla and add refried beans if you want. In other words, with Chef G.'s version of Huevos Rancheros you can do whatever you want. |
Thank you for watching, and please pay attention to the following ad from one of my big-money sponsors.
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