Chef G. Expands His Evil Media Tentacles

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and thank you so much for the huge round of applause. Let me start today's show by saying I'm happier than a python who just ingested a whole pig to be here. I'll tell you why. 

As you are well aware, The Chef G. Cooking Channel has offered a long history of entertaining and revolutionary cooking shows, but this should be the most entertaining and revolutionary episode yet. That's because The Chef G. Media Empire will be issuing a major, major, major, MAJOR press release in the next few days.

But this morning I asked myself, "why should the 50-million readers* of my blog have to wait even one more minute for the major, major, major, MAJOR announcement?"

"Good question," I replied to myself, "something MUST be done about such an injustice."

That inner dialog is what convinced me to leak the huge, huge, huge, HUGE announcement right here, right now. That's right, as a “thank you” for your loyalty and admiration, you folks get to hear it first: 

Chef G. is branching out into the lucrative world of radio podcasting.

Podcasts seem to be all the rage these days. Even doofuses like Joe Rogan, Megyn Kelly, Tucker Carlson, and Taylor Swift's boyfriend are making big bucks from their podcasts. Why shouldn't I cash in too?

And here comes the best part. I'm going to provide all of you Chef G-niuses,** with a sneak preview of my podcast before it gets released to the general public. So, without further ado, I invite you to join in on an excerpt from the pilot episode of The Chef G. Food Podcast.

Footnotes in small print:

*In Chef G.'s world, “one-million” equals “about 1..” However, that equation is going to change dramatically when the world discovers my podcast. I'm talking about hundreds of millions of followers and tens of millions of U.S. Dollars flowing straight into in my pocket.

**As a rock star in the chef world, I thought I should give my fans a name . . . something similar to Deadheads, Swifties, Beatlemaniacs, Nirvana Nation, Kiss Army, Rolling Stoners, etc. You gotta admit, "Chef G-niuses" is incredibly clever.

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Hi folks. I'm back live now. If you liked what you heard, I encourage you to download "The Chef G. Food Podcast" App from Spitify, Crapple, Spewtube, I Hate Radio, Goggle, Oddible, or any of the other podcast providers.

PART TWO

I sense there are two or three of you who didn't even bother to click the play button on "The Chef G. Food Podcast."  You don't give a rat's ass about ANY podcast by ANYBODY. You just want to see what I've been cooking this week. Okay, I get it. Here comes a bonus section for you folks.

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Tomato season has been going on for about a few weeks here in Minnesota. I have a couple neighbors who have more tomatoes than they can handle and are begging me and Mrs. Chef G. to take their excess tomatoes off their vines. They don't have to ask me twice. And I don't have to tell my Chef G-niuses that fresh, garden-grown tomatoes are 15-times tastier than grocery store tomatoes. That's a scientific fact.

They taste as good as they look . . . and they're FREE.

The bigger tomatoes came from another generous neighbor's garden.  They're just as delicious and the same price--zero dollars per pound.

In the last two weeks I've used fresh tomatoes to make several Bacon Lettuce & Tomato sandwiches, tossed salads, and a big batch of salsa.  I also used a few in a jambalaya yesterday.  But delicious garden tomatoes don't have to be used in recipes. I have no problem eating small tomatoes like grapes, and large tomatoes like apples.

Holy bloodygoshdammit, that was one fine BLT.

Small tomatoes are even BETTER than grapes, in my opinion.

A couple weeks ago, I turned down one of our neighbors' offer of even more tomatoes.  She really needed to unload them, but I really thought I had enough to last for weeks.  When I told Mrs. Chef G., she overruled me on that one.  She went back to get more tomatoes from that neighbor. Then she reminded me that tomatoes can be frozen for future recipes—like soup, stew, chili, pasta sauce, and a few other dishes I like to cook.  I hate it when she's right.

Two Celebrity Chefs, Two Steaks, One Champion

Cow Meat Galore in the Grocery Store

Cows seen while on my bicycle trip in Kansas this spring.

 Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a long-horn steer grazing in a grassy pasture to be here for another episode of my highly acclaimed cooking program.  I have made friends with many cows over the years. I speak to them often when I'm out riding my bike.  Our conversations make me truly wish I had the inner strength to be a vegetarian.  Alas, I have more inner weakness than inner strength.

My weakness stems from my love of a good steak, and today I had a craving for a good steak.  I also had a craving to write another Chef G. Cooking Channel episode.  Most of all I had a craving to go up against my arch enemy, mano a mano, in a steak grilling contest.

Holy cow, can you believe the price of beef these days?

So, I sent an e-mail to the one dude who is probably my top competitor in the world of celebrity chefs.  Incredibly, he accepted my challenge--but only after my team and I agreed to a couple of conditions.  First, we must allow him to be disguised at all times during filming, and second, we are forbidden to identify him by name.  What the heck?

I resisted, but my producers agreed to his cowardly demands.  It's okay though.  It's still a win-win for both of us famous chefs.  I get the satisfaction of humiliating him in a cook-off, and he gets the honor of being a guest on the world's most beloved cooking show.

LET'S MEET THE CHEFS 

The great and powerful CHEF G. versus . . .

 . . .The cowardly British chef in disguise

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Well, let's get down to the business of grilling, shall we?  As the host, I deferred to my opponent to get the cook-off started.  

Living up to his famously foul-mouthed reputation, the British chef immediately went off on a tirade.  (Warning to parents of young children:  There is some bad language in the next two videos.  Please cover your kids' sensitive ears.)

I'm sure you noticed how my British opponent's accent vacillated between English, Irish, Australian & German during his narrative.  He claims that was part of his plan to disguise his identity.  Ha!  In my opinion, the guy is a pretentious phony.

You can remove your hands from your kids' ears now.  In contrast to my hysterical opponent, I remained calm, cool, collected, and clean.  In the next two videos, check out my calmness, collectedness, and especially my COOLNESS while under intense pressure.

I took care to season my steak.  Then I lovingly massaged the salt and pepper into the meat.  My opponent threw his meat on the grill with no additional effort.

At the end of the grilling competition, the two famous chefs tasted each other's steaks.  Chef Gordo Ramses (name altered at his demand) declared my steak to be worthy of a "Masterchef" trophy and a head chef position at one of his restaurants.  I declared his steak to be worth a Gold Medal for dryness and flavorlessness.  I took pity on him though, and offered him a position as a dish washer in my kitchen.  He said he'd give it some thought.

 

Chef G.'s steak, cooked to a perfect rare-to-medium rare, and topped with a mix of red & yellow onions sauteed in butter.  Oh man, it was soooo delicious.

 

I am so proud to finally be declared the greatest living celebrity chef.  Next, I'm going after you, Julia Child, for the title of "Greatest Celebrity Chef of All Time."