BE IT RESOLVED: CHEF G. IS A HACK WHO DESERVES NO CELEBRITY CHEF STATUS AT ALL: (THE DEBATE OF THE CENTURY)

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a worm in a compost pile to be here.  That's because I have a very special episode for you.  My tribe of Chef G-niuses all over the world have been begging for a celebrity chef debate for years.  They want to know who deserves their vote for President of the United States' Celebrity Chef Club (POTUSCCC).  Well, when you beg, I deliver.

I contacted my toughest culinary rival--Chef Gordo Ramses--and challenged him to a one-on-one battle of wits and intelligence.  I told him about my vision of the greatest, nastiest, no-holds-barred, celebrity chef debate of all time.  

He was hesitant at first, and for good reason--he's still reeling from the ignominious beat-down I gave him in last month's steak grilling contest. (See Chef G. Cooking Channel Episode #62) 

He let his guard down when I told him the debate could achieve the highest viewership ratings in the history of celebrity chef debates.  Then he readily agreed.  Chef Ramses is not only vain, but also a bigtime publicity hound.   

I offered the broadcasting rights to The Cooking Channel, The Food Network, PBS, and every other broadcaster of cooking programs, but, incredibly, they all passed on the chance to air the debate.  They thought it would be, as one network bigwig said, "beneath the dignity of a legitimate purveyor of food information."  

Fine, it's their loss and my gain.  I'm going to post the transcript of the debate right here on the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  You're welcome.

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I should mention that I have a secret weapon to unleash on my opponent.  Chef Ramses doesn't know that I learned the art of argumentation in a high school debate class.  I believe I got a B+ grade so, yeah, I have skills.  I will utilize those skills to CRUSH him.  When all is said and done, I will be more famous than ever before.  I'll be wealthier too, because the winner gets a $100 shopping spree at the Spiral Food Co-op in Hastings, Minnesota. 

Since the debate is being aired on my blog, I got to choose the emcee and moderator.  In the interest of fairness, I selected a highly-respected and totally-neutral food expert for that role.  His name is Arlo and he is well known for his voracious appetite and for being willing to eat almost anything--including dog food, sticks, leaves, crabapples, unidentifiable bones, and other stuff in my yard.  Given the opportunity, he would be even more adventurous of an eater than Andrew Zimmern.  I'm pretty sure no animal blood, guts, or reproductive organs would be off-limits to my new best friend.  That said, I turn the mic over to my completely unbiased debate moderator.  Take it away, Arlo.

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Thank you, Chef G., for your nice introduction and for all the good food you give me.

Yes, my name is Arlo, and I am proud to introduce the contestants for tonight's debate.

In the corner to my left is one of the world's most famous celebrity chefs.  Chef Gordo Ramses has numerous television shows and he's pretty damn smug about his hoity-toity, fancy pants, ultra-expensive, Michelin-starred restaurants that feature dishes no regular people eat.  How about a warm welcome for Chef Gordo Ramses!

[A smattering of mild applause and quiet boos.]

You'll need a lot of money to eat at any of his restaurants.

   

Chef Ramses' opponent, in the corner to my right, needs no introduction.  Chef G. is just a humble, lovable egotist who makes food for the common man.  The entire foodie world knows him from his amazing cooking blog, his delicious recipes, his entertaining podcast, a couple of #1 hit songs on the Billboard (Billbored?) Charts, and the great food he serves in his unpretentious restaurant.  To my knowledge, Chef Gordo Ramses has NEVER written a song, much less a #1 hit.  Just sayin'.

[Wild cheering and very loud applause from the hometown crowd of Chef G-niuses.]

Chef G.'s unpretentious restaurant is hidden on the backstreets of the Boston-Cambridge area of Massachusetts.  (Photo credit to Mary B., who lives in that area.)

It's time for me to quit flapping my cute jaws and get this debate underway.

  

To refresh your memories, the topic is:  "Be it Resolved: Chef G. is a hack who deserves no celebrity chef status at all."

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We'll start with Chef Gordo, who will be taking the Affirmative Position.  Chef Gordo, you have two minutes to present your case.

CHEF GORDO:  Thank you, sir . . . or puppy . . . or shill for Chef G . . . or whatever you are.  I am here today to tell you Chef G. is many things--fraud, charlatan, smooth talking conman, braggart, fucking doofus--who will do ANYTHING for attention, fame, and money.  The one thing he is NOT is a legitimate chef.  He's shit!  He's a fucking clown!  A monkey! The guy has never studied the art of cooking under any of the great European, Asian, African, South American, Australian, or Antarctic chefs.  In fact, I don't even know a single AMERICAN chef who knows of his existence.  My advice to everybody under his cult-like spell is to quit watching the Chef G. Cooking Channel immediately, then start watching one of my many cooking competitions on your local FOX-TV station.  I yield the rest of my two minutes.

ARLO:  Thank you, Chef Gordo.  Next, we'll give Chef G. two minutes for his rebuttal.

CHEF G:  I mean no disrespect to Chef Gordo, but that guy couldn't recognize good food unless it had at least 30 ingredients and took at least three hours to prepare and cook.  That's messed up.  Most people don't want to wait that long to eat.  They MIGHT wait that long in a restaurant, but only if they are with good friends and had a constant flow of martinis and Manhattans to facilitate lively conversation and to ease the pain of horrendous hunger.  Thank you for listening. I relinquish the rest of my time.

ARLO:  Thank YOU, Chef G., for telling it like it is.  You are amazing.  Even so, I suppose I have to allow one minute for Chef Gordo's follow-up.

CHEF GORDO:  I surrender.  Chef G. outdebated me fair and square.  His logic is too solid to argue against.  I'm convinced Chef G. is the greatest celebrity chef of all time.  THERE, I said it.  Now, just please leave me alone.

ARLO:  Holy cow!  I did not expect this result.  It was as disappointing as spending $10,000 dollars for a front row seat at a major prize fight, only to witness a knockout in the first round.  WTF?  

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Okay, I am now working my way to Chef G.'s locker room for a post-debate interview.  Oh look, I found him.  "Dude, you dominated this debate in every aspect--offense, defense, and special teams.  How did you do it?" 

CHEF G.:  In a word--"preparation."  It's all about preparation.  I prepare ingredients when I cook, and I prepare words when I debate.  I knew Chef Gordo couldn't match my preparation.  He had no game plan.  Show me a chef with no game plan and I'll show you a loser.

ARLO:  "Good answer, Chef G."

I moved on from that in-depth interview and entered Chef Gordo's locker room.  Sadly, it has a powerful aura of defeat.  "What happened, Chef Gordo?" I asked.   

CHEF GORDO:  I don't know what the hell hit me.  I was relying on my trademark barrage of foul language to intimidate Chef G. and send him cowering in fear.  That tactic always works on the amateur chefs who appear on my TV cooking competitions, but that Chef G. guy remained calm and composed.  Instead of crying, he went on the counterattack.  I had no answer to that.

ARLO:  There you have it folks.  The greatest celebrity chef debate in history ends with Chef G. knocking out Chef Gordo in the first round.

I'm thankful that Chef G. and Mrs. Chef G. adopted me and love me.  Also, I thank everybody here at The Chef G. Cooking Channel for watching this debate.