COFFEE = PEACE AND ENLIGHTENMENT

Hi folks, and welcome back to the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  I'm your host, Chef G., and I cannot wait to get this show underway.  That's because, for the first time ever, it'll be all about food of the liquid kind.

Indeed, I plan to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about my weird relationship with coffee.  And before I'm done telling you everything you've ever wanted to know about my weird ralationship with coffee, you'll probably wish there was even MORE to know than everything you ever wanted to know about my weird relationship with coffee.  That's how good of a celebrity chef blogger I am, and that's how fascinating this essay will be.

You can expect to read some fascinating personal history, super-hilarious anecdotes, amazing travel stories, deep philosophical insights, and truly heartfelt poetry--all related to that wonderful brown beverage.  Are you ready for this?

Let's begin at the beginning.

HISTORY

My coffee curiosity began when I was approximately 9-years old.  Whenever my family visited my grandparent's house, I'd get up early to have breakfast with them before my grandpa went to work. I watched with longing eyes as they drank coffee every single morning.  "What," I wondered, "could be so special about something that had to be slurped?"  

One day, I mustered the courage to ask for a cup, even though I knew it would be highly unlikely I'd get one.  In my mind, coffee was an adult beverage.  I might as well have asked for a shot of whiskey.  Imagine my amazement when Grandma & Grandpa Maggie (Magnuson) accommodated my request.  

[Years later, I learned Scandinavians are the biggest per-capita coffee drinkers in the world.  That revelation explained a lot about my coffee-loving heritage.  My maternal grandparents were 100% Swedish, and my dad's mother was Finnish.  Additionally, my dad's father was French, and France is no slouch in the coffee department.  In other words, I was genetically destined to become a coffee freak.]

Anyway, Grandma & Grandpa Maggie put some sugar and a little half & half in there for me.  Looking back, I assume they did so to make it more palatable to a little kid.  I pretended to like it, but I didn't REALLY like it.  I didn't touch the stuff again for almost a decade.

Fast forward past nine-years of coffee-lessness . . .

It was 1976 and I was a naive college freshman on a work-study program that required me to get up at the un-godly hour of 6:30 every morning to get to my job of doing pretty much nothing.  My boss did even LESS than pretty much nothing.  It seemed like his entire workday involved sitting in the break room drinking coffee and entertaining other members of the college's union of maintenance workers, and a few music & theatrical arts professors.  THAT was the setting in which I really learned to enjoy coffee like a real adult.  Often, there was some pretty interesting conversation.  I drank cup after cup after cup because there was nothing else to do but join in on the coffee drinking camaraderie. 

Coffee was only my second favorite beverage in those college years, but it served an important purpose in keeping me awake at work--and in class--after nights of imbibing in my first favorite beverage.

Fast forward another four years . . .

Soon after college graduation, I got a job that was much different than my cushy job on campus.   The main difference is that I actually had to work most of the time.  Yet, the job was the same in two significant ways:  a pot of coffee was always readily available, and I always had a cup near at hand.  The further my career advanced (which wasn't all that far), the more coffee I consumed.  I sipped coffee all morning and well into the afternoon.  I swear, I got up to at least ten to twelve cups per day.

The 10 to 12 cups of coffee wasn't due to a caffeine addiction though.  I never ever felt the need for any kind of caffeine rush.  In fact, I can't remember feeling any kind of caffeine rush--EVER.  Coffee had no physical effect on me.  As proof, I can honestly say I rarely drank coffee on my days off, yet I suffered no negative effects.  But, damn, I sure liked the stuff.

Fast forward another 30 years

After I retired from my career in the paint business, I discovered the joys of GOOD coffee.  I sourced coffee beans from reputable retailers who favored the fair-trade ethic.  I tried beans from many coffee growing countries.  (The best I ever had was from Jamaica--a gift from my parents who picked up a bag while on a Carribean cruise.) 

I learned to grind the beans myself.  I experimented every which way from a course grind to a fine powder.  I also experimented with various ways to brew the ground beans.  I'll get to one of those ways at the end of this post.

Yes, I became an insufferable coffee snob.  I'm happy to report that I am less so now.  Sometimes I even bring out my inner Mrs. Olson and drink Folger's.  After all, "it's the richest kind."

TRAVELS

I admit it, I drink coffee when I travel.  I've had a few good cups of coffee in both small town diners and big city restaurants--a lot of unremarkable cups too.  I had a strangely interesting cup of Turkish coffee in, of all places, Houghton, Michigan.  I had the best cup in recent memory at a Dunkin' Donuts in Frederick, Maryland.  (I have been unable to repeat that excellence at any other Dunkin' Donuts since then.)

I've had coffee from most of the big chain coffee shops all over North America.  Other than that singular Dunkin' Donuts in Maryland, none of the chain shops have impressed me much--not Starbucks, not Peet's, not Caribou, not Dunn Brothers, not Dutch Brothers, not Tim Hortons, not nobody.  It's true!

Maybe that's 'cuz coffee shops lack atmosphere. Sure, there are a few cool hipsters looking at their phones and/or conversing with other hipsters, but that's not enough for me. The absolute best cups of coffee I've ever tasted were made by me--Chef G.--at campsites all over the U.S.  Those places ooze with atmosphere.  I've brewed coffee while car camping at lakeside campsites, while backpacking at 10,000 feet of elevation, while canoeing on Ozark Mountain rivers, while on bicycle trips in the Great Plains, the desert southwest, the deep south, the northern forests and a lot of other places too.  Campsite coffee is the best.  To me, there is nothing so sublime as sitting on a flat rock while sipping coffee, breathing in the air, watching the sun rise, and observing birds & squirrels as they flit around from tree to tree.  Once in a while, a deer or coyote passes by.  That's a bonus.

Nobody takes more pictures of his coffee than I do.  NOBODY!

VARIATIONS

"Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline--the first often tasting like the second."  -Edward Abbey

Strong, black coffee is the best.  Espresso is very good too.  Turkish coffee is interesting.  That's about it.  I have no appreciation for any of the European variations that include milk or cream such as Cafe au laits, Cappucinos, Machiatos, mochas, frappacinos, etc.  Worse than those things are the big money makers at the American coffee shops in which they add stuff like chocolate or caramel or pumpkin spice or other strange flavorizers.  Worst of all, in my opinion, is any kind of coffee that has ice in it.  Given the choice between two evils, I'd rather drink a Coke.  All of the gods in the world agree: "We made coffee to be consumed HOT!"

Coffee Philosophy 

"Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee."  -Albert Camus

"Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical."  -Jonathon Swift

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Philosophically speaking, there is nothing that stimulates deep thought like starting one's day with hot liquid flowing over the tongue, continuing down the gullet, and providing an indescribable inner warmth in the gut.  I like that it's a drink I have to sip and savor, as opposed to all the other beverages I tend to gulp--like water, milk, fruit juices, beer, and the occasional soda pop.

Some people get the same inner warmth and enlightenment from a cup of hot tea.  The last time I drank a cup of hot tea, I vomited.  Seriously, five minutes after finishing it, I started feeling feverish and nauseous, and then the tea came back out of my mouth looking just the same as when it entered my mouth.  Then I felt fine once again.

That happened while backpacking in Isle Royale National Park.  The atmosphere was perfect.  The only philosophical conclusion I can come up with is that tea is inferior to coffee.  (I might add that Philosophy is not an exact science.   Competing philosophers might point out that I threw up because I dipped TWO tea bags, instead of one, into my cup of hot water.)

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I also have a philosophy regarding the meal known as breakfast.  I don't like eating early--with the exception of an occasional camping breakfast made by my egg guru, Bob. [See the last Chef G. Cooks post.]  Aside from that, breakfast makes me feel bloated and lethargic for the rest of the morning.

COFFEE, and nothing but coffee, is my normal breakfast.  Coffee is all I want.  It's all I need.  It provides for all of my physical, metaphysical, intellectual, psychological, spiritual and goofilogical needs.  But once in a while, I like to supplement my coffee breakfast with a treat that can only be described as "magically delicious."

Coffee is the best thing for breakfast.  Marshmallowy charms are a close second.  Sugary bits of oats are a distant third.

Coffee Poetry

"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." -T.S. Eliot

T.S. Eliot wasn't the only great poet who was inspired by coffee.  I am another one.

What?  You didn't know I was a great poet?  As proof of my poetic genius, I submit the following screen shot of a poem I wrote in my journal of a bicycle tour in 2016.  I hope your phone or laptop can zoom in on it.  

As I re-read the poem eight years later, I notice it has a few words I didn't think I even knew back then.  It also has nice rhythm, and nice rhymes too.  I give the poem a rating of 6 on a scale of 1 to 5.

 

Chef G. Attempts to Make a Good Cup of Cowboy Coffee

As I said, I've had many more cups of ordinary cups of coffee than extraordinary cups of coffee.  That's okay.  Ordinary coffee is still pretty darn good.  The only time I ever had to pour out an undrinkable cup was because it was 50% chicory.  Yuck.

I've made coffee using a variety of methods:  drip, press, percolate, steep, instant, Keurig, etc.  Today, I'm going to show you how to make it by one of the rarest methods.  That would be pouring the ground coffee beans directly into boiling water.  I'm not saying it's the BEST way to brew coffee, but it's probably the most unusual way.  (Unless you're a cowboy from the 1800's.)

So here, in the format of a photo-documentary, is how I made Cowboy Coffee this morning.

The first step is to pour some whole coffee beans into your coffee grinder.  The second step is to grind them--not too course, not too fine, but just right.

The second step is to light your camp stove.

The third step is to place a pot with 12 oz. of water on the hot stove.

When the water comes to a rolling boil, turn off the heat.

Then put a couple tablespoons of ground coffee into the hot water, cover, and let the grounds soak (and settle) for about five to ten minutes.

The final step is to pour the beautiful liquid into your coffee cup and enjoy.

The smile on my face says it all about my enjoyment.


I'm man enough to admit that my cowboy coffee wasn't the best
cup of coffee I've ever had, but even so, it was surprisingly good.  My only warning is that you should probably avoid drinking cowboy coffee down to the bottom of the cup unless you like to have a bunch of coffee grounds all over your mouth.