CHEF POTATO BRAIN

Hi folks, Chef G. here again.  As the most exciting contributor to the Chef G. Cooking Channel, I have to believe my fans are more than interested to read what I have to say about the blandest food in in the entire plant-based kingdom.  There's no need to try to keep you in suspense about what that flavorless dud of a vegetable might be; if you bothered to read the title of today's blog post, you already know the topic is the lowly potato.

And if you noticed the photo at the top of the page, you already know that I have been awarded the coveted "Potato Specialist" chef hat by the National Institute of Potato Goodness.  What that means is that I have achieved the cooking world's highest distinction for my ability to make potatoes taste good.  

It's not that hard, really.  All you have to do is remember not to cook and serve potatoes all by themselves.  My Swedish grandmother taught her daughter, my mom, how to boil that most basic staple food in plain water.  I guess that's how I grew up thinking potatoes sucked.  

Sure, I enjoyed French fries at burger joints occasionally when I was a kid, but I don't think I was sophisticated enough to associate them with the flavorless white tubers that I knew as potatoes.  I guess I thought French fries were a food unto themselves.

Once I realized they actually WERE potatoes, well, that's when I learned grease, salt and ketchup can enhance the flavor by a factor of ten.  That discovery was akin to when I found my mom's boiled and mashed potatoes were a little better with a pat of butter on top.  And they tasted better yet with gravy on top.

************

I still refuse to steam or boil (or mash) potatoes, but I've made them in almost every other imaginable way--French fries, hash browns, potato chips, potato salad, baked, fried, grilled, au gratin, mixed into pasties & casseroles, etc.  I've done it all and, once again, the key point is:  DO NOT COOK THEM PLAIN.  THEY MUST HAVE FAT AND PLENTY OF SALT.  Herbs and spices are nice too. 

Here's a quick story:  I almost set my house on fire while making the potato chips.  Somehow, the grease in the pan caught fire while I ran downstairs to catch the end of the TV show I was watching.  When I smelled smoke and raced back upstairs, the kitchen was filled with smoke and there were huge flames rising from the pan.

I panicked at first, then made the judgement call to run the pan out the front door.  After burning my hand on the pan handle, I grabbed a hot pad, raced downstairs, and threw the pan into the snow.  The flame burned for a couple more minutes and cooked the thinly-sliced potato chips to perfection.  How lucky can an aspiring celebrity chef get?

The UN-lucky thing was that I was subjected to some not-so-nice yelling and humiliation when Mrs. Chef G. got home an hour later. 

The charred oak cupboards are a lasting reminder of that horrible incident.

POTATOES, THREE WAYS

This section is where I'll copycat a couple of my posts from the past--the ones in which I prepared corn three different ways and eggs three different ways.  Like movie studios who produce sequels to highly successful films, I'm going to do the same thing with my highly successful blog posts, only this time it will involve potatoes.

To assist me with the task, I called on my only rival in the potato cooking world.  I challenged him to a potato cook-off and he accepted my challenge.  Please give a warm welcome to Chef Potato Brain.     

The rules for the challenge were simple:  Chef Potato Brain will make his best potato dish and I will make mine.  Then I will decide which one is the best.  Incredibly, the dork agreed to my rules . . . with one small exception.  He insisted I judge a third potato dish.  That would be a potato dish made by BOTH of us.

"Fine," I agreed, "but don't expect me to put forth my best chef skills on a joint effort."

"Fine, jack@$$," agreed Chef Potato Brain, "and don't expect me to do anything more than the bare minimum."

************

Chef Potato Brain punctured a potato with a fork multiple times and wrapped it in foil.  I could see he was going with a baked potato.

I, Chef G., on the other hand, was slicing my potato into strips for French fries.  My version of French fries does not involve dipping a basket of thinly sliced potatoes into a vat of hot vegetable oil.  No, I season them with salt, sprinkle olive oil over the top, and baked them in the oven for 25 minutes at 450-degrees. 

 

Chef Potato Brain wrapping his baked potato in foil for the grill.

Chef G. slicing up French fries for the oven

Both chefs preparing a potato & onion concoction with salt, pepper, butter, and a secret blend of spices.  It will be wrapped up in foil and added to the grill with Chef Potato Brain's baked potato.

Chef Potato Brain braved the heat and kept a close eye on his baked potato and our potato & onion concoction.

***********

I take my food judging seriously, so I tried to be as impartial as possible--unlike the Supreme Court of the U.S.

For sure, my French fries were outstanding.  They were nice & hot, perfectly browned, perfectly oiled, perfectly salted, and perfectly crispy.  My potato dish seemed to be a clear-cut winner.

French fry perfection

When I moved on to Chef Potato Brain's baked potato slathered with butter and sprinkled with salt, I could not believe it was equally delicious.  How the hell did he do that?

Baked potato perfection

While the baked potato was certainly outstanding, I still felt the need to be totally objective and declare my French fries to be the winner of our Potato Cook-off Contest.  There was only one minor detail left to deal with though.  To be fair, I had to take a perfunctory taste of the potato & onion dish before awarding my French fries the grand prize.

Imagine my surprise when I took a forkful of that amazing collaboration. I could not deny it was the best potato dish of all.

Potato, Onion, Spices, Butter & Olive Oil Perfection

************

So that concludes my homage to the potato, except for one final reminder.  Fat, salt, garlic, onions, herbs and spices can turn even the blandest vegetable on earth into a culinary masterpiece.

Thank you for tuning in, and I'll see you sometime in the future when I test whether fat, salt, garlic, onions, herbs and spices can make crickets, worms, beef liver, and rat intestines taste good.