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| Cow Meat Galore in the Grocery Store |
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| Cows seen while on my bicycle trip in Kansas this spring. |
Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a long-horn steer grazing in a grassy pasture to be here for another episode of my highly acclaimed cooking program. I have made friends with many cows over the years. I speak to them often when I'm out riding my bike. Our conversations make me truly wish I had the inner strength to be a vegetarian. Alas, I have more inner weakness than inner strength.
My weakness stems from my love of a good steak, and today I had a craving for a good steak. I also had a craving to write another Chef G. Cooking Channel episode. Most of all I had a craving to go up against my arch enemy, mano a mano, in a steak grilling contest.
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| Holy cow, can you believe the price of beef these days? |
So, I sent an e-mail to the one dude who is probably my top competitor in the world of celebrity chefs. Incredibly, he accepted my challenge--but only after my team and I agreed to a couple of conditions. First, we must allow him to be disguised at all times during filming, and second, we are forbidden to identify him by name. What the heck?
I resisted, but my producers agreed to his cowardly demands. It's okay though. It's still a win-win for both of us famous chefs. I get the satisfaction of humiliating him in a cook-off, and he gets the honor of being a guest on the world's most beloved cooking show.
LET'S MEET THE CHEFS
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| The great and powerful CHEF G. versus . . . |
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| . . .The cowardly British chef in disguise |
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Well, let's get down to the business of grilling, shall we? As the host, I deferred to my opponent to get the cook-off started.
Living up to his famously foul-mouthed reputation, the British chef immediately went off on a tirade. (Warning to parents of young children: There is some bad language in the next two videos. Please cover your kids' sensitive ears.)
I'm sure you noticed how my British opponent's accent vacillated between English, Irish, Australian & German during his narrative. He claims that was part of his plan to disguise his identity. Ha! In my opinion, the guy is a pretentious phony.
You can remove your hands from your kids' ears now. In contrast to my hysterical opponent, I remained calm, cool, collected, and clean. In the next two videos, check out my calmness, collectedness, and especially my COOLNESS while under intense pressure.
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| I took care to season my steak. Then I lovingly massaged the salt and pepper into the meat. My opponent threw his meat on the grill with no additional effort. |
At the end of the grilling competition, the two famous chefs tasted each other's steaks. Chef Gordo Ramses (name altered at his demand) declared my steak to be worthy of a "Masterchef" trophy and a head chef position at one of his restaurants. I declared his steak to be worth a Gold Medal for dryness and flavorlessness. I took pity on him though, and offered him a position as a dish washer in my kitchen. He said he'd give it some thought.
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| Chef G.'s steak, cooked to a perfect rare-to-medium rare, and topped with a mix of red & yellow onions sauteed in butter. Oh man, it was soooo delicious. |
I've never seen the cowardly brit chef cook before - just criticizing others when others are cooking. From this post I can see he's one of those 'all talk but can't walk the walk' people. Of course you were going to win, particularly since you had such precise timing for how long to cook on each side. Perfectly done, looked delicious! If I ever grill a steak I'll remember the timing down to the second.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think you need to go up against a more worthy opponent, like a MasterChef contestant who was cut in a very dramatic episode who will forever be traumatized. And you need to cook over a campfire for the challenge. I don't particularly like steaks done over gas or charcoal (charcoal just smells like chemicals to me). I loved your poem though! The best steak I ever had was a scotch steak done med-rare over a fire. It just melted in your mouth and I savored it all, which says something from someone who doesn't eat much meat!
And I think chef Ramses' accent had a bit of pirate in it, too, lol.
--Emily
Please don't think less of the great Chef G., but I had never heard of a scotch steak before. Luckily, Google is always within reach. AHA! If my reading comprehension is correct, it looks like a scotch steak is what I call a "ribeye." I love that cut. It's so tender that, as you noted, it melts in your mouth. I eat every bit of it too. I cringe when I see people trimming all that delicious fat away from the meat. What a waste. Relatedly, I really like refrigerated, medium-rare steak the next day. The meat is great but, unfortunately, the congealed fat is not.
DeleteI have cooked steak over an open fire a couple of times. The first time, I let the flames kiss the steak a little too long. Too long to the point of blackness. I tried to compensate by only cooking the other side for about a minute. The result was less than perfect.
When I was a kid, I remember my mom scraping the blackened stuff off of slices of toast with a butterknife. That technique doesn't work with steaks.
Great observation on the pirate accent. I hear it now too.