SUBSTANDARD COOKING THE EASY WAY (Featuring A Special Guest Host)

  

Hello fans of the Chef G. Cooking Channel!  My name is Chef L., and I am beyond grateful to be the very first guest host in the history of this illustrious program.  I definitely do not deserve such an honor, considering I'm not very smart and I have no personality, but Chef G. didn't show up for work today and I was the only person the producers could scrounge up on such short notice.

Before you turn to a different channel, please allow me a minute to establish my cooking credentials.  Basically, they can be summed up in three words: Not. Very. Good.  One food critic said it best with this scathing assessment.

"Chef L under-seasons, under-washes, under-cooks, and under-understands almost every food he touches.  What he doesn't under-cook, he fuc#ing burns.  His favorite ingredient seems to be grease and his food hygiene practices are beyond gross."  -Chef Ramsay*

 

Pretty harsh, right?  Personally, I didn't think Chef Ramsay* needed to resort to crude language but, overall, his review was fair.  He's right.  I do not understand recipes, I'm not versed in food terminology, and I have no confidence in myself or my cooking skills.

Despite all that, Chef G. must have thought I'd still be a satisfactory guest host.  I'm fairly sure he thought my low self-esteem would provide a nice contrast to his bombastic personality.  I'm VERY sure he knew my low-level cooking abilities would make him look even better than he already thinks he is.  And I'm POSITIVELY sure he believes my ineptitude will provide a boost to The Chef G. Cooking Channel's ratings.  

(I snooped in Chef G.'s office this morning and found some evidence to back up that last sentence.  I hope I don't get in trouble for posting it here for all the world to see.)

    

The higher-ups in the Chef G. organization have been concerned about the viewership plateau since 2022.   From a corporate perspective, a measly one or two-million viewers will not attract the big advertising revenue needed to support Chef G.'s lavish lifestyle.  It looks like they expect guest hosts to bring the number of viewers up into the billions.

************

As the first of the guest hosts, I'm feeling a lot of pressure.  Clearly, I've got some work to do.  Let's see what I can whip up with only an hour's notice before going on-air.  

I shuffled through the refrigerator and cupboards to find some food I couldn't possibly screw up.  Thank goodness I found something produced by one of my most reliable colleagues in the foodie world--the great Chef Campbell.  If you aren't familiar with Chef Campbell, I can tell you he's the purveyor of the best-selling soups in the United States of A.  He makes dozens and dozens of soup varieties that are easy for substandard chefs like me to prepare.  The guy is a genius.

  

This one will do quite nicely today.

At first glance, it might look like a pretty simple dish to cook but, upon closer inspection, you will see some subtle creativity in my soup technique.

The first thing I did was empty Chef Campbell's Chunky New England Clam Chowder (with 12 oz. of protein per can) into a pan.  It's got the clam protein, vegetables, thickeners, and chemicals all in one gelatinous mass, so you don't have to waste your time cutting and mixing all that stuff up yourself.  

Next, I added my own special touches.  Without them, MY soup creation would be nothing other than a Chef Campbell creation.  I don't want that, and neither do you food lovers out there.

The video didn't really show how most of the gelatinous mass came out of the can.  I'll tell you it was a big blob.  Afterwards, I saw another gelatinous blob on my TV.  It reminded me of what was simmering on my stove, so I took a couple pictures.

A gelatinous mass that ate energy so it could grow into a terrifying monster

I tried to imagine if Chef G.'s skillful hands could have incorporated  the monster into a delicious work of art.  Alas, Jonny Quest, Dr. Quest, Race Bannon, Hadji, and Bandit destroyed it, so I guess we'll never know. 

Gelatinous Mass Killers

With medium-low heat and frequent stirring, the gelatinous mass in my pan cooked down to something that looked more like soup and less like a ghostly blob.  I sensed some serious deliciousness ahead.  I ladled a bowlful of the soup-like substance and dug in.  I used an extra-large spoon for maximum intake.

MMMMmmmm good!  That's some fine soup.  The only drawback was how it constantly stuck to my beard and moustache.

************

I am proud of myself for rising to the Chef G. Cooking Channel's challenge.  I was lucky to have prepared the best dish of my entire life.  Even the amazing Chef G. himself was impressed.  In fact, he e-mailed me a message of congratulations.  To say "I'm humbled" would be a serious understatement.  I'm going to print the e-mail, frame it, and treasure it for the rest of my life.

A screen shot of the congratulatory e-mail I received from Chef G.

Thank you for tuning in today.  I don't know if Chef G. will be back from his impromptu sabbatical next month, or the next month, or the next month.  Maybe there will be a series of guest hosts in his place.  Maybe not.  Anything is possible.  I guess that mysteriousness is another example of Chef G.'s super-smartness and universal appeal. 

Now, please stay tuned for a word from one our kind sponsors.

*************** Advertising Supplement ************

Do your antiacids stop the flow of nasty stuff flowing from your stomach and up your esophagus?  If not, don't put up with that crap.  PEPTO-GUT-RELIEF will stop acid reflux in its tracks.  PEPTO-GUT-RELIEF's patented ingredient is a tiny drop of liquid drain cleaner in every pink tablet.  It works on clogged toilets, so it probably works to kill heartburn too.  (Side effects may include horrible vomiting, erosion of stomach lining, and death.  Call your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms.)

************End of Advertising Supplement************ 

*Footnote: The food critic mentioned earlier in the program would be Chef Goober Ramsay, not the other famously foul-mouthed Chef Ramsay of Fox-TV fame.

Chef G. Perfects The Art of Boiling Water for Fun and Profit

Hi folks, Chef G. here and I'm happier than a clown walking in oversized shoes to be here for another episode.  Today, we're going to get down to the most basic dish any budding chef should learn to prepare.

Now you might be thinking boiled water is a little TOO basic, but hold your horses before making that judgement.  (Alternately, hold onto any horse-like animal with hooves you choose--like zebras, giraffes, mooses, etc.)

I'm about to show you the correct way--the Chef G. way--to boil water and, more importantly, how to have fun with the end result.

 

The first thing you have to do is fill a pan with cold water.  Not hot water.  Not warm water.  Not room-temperature water.  COLD water.

Next, heat up one of your stove's burners by turning the dial to seven.  Resist the temptation to turn it up to ELEVEN, like Spinal Tap does on their amplifiers.  It's important to bring the cold water to a boil slowly, not fastly.  Slowliness brings out the subtle flavors and texture of boiled water.

If you aspire to be a famous chef like me, make sure to take a selfie and post it on Blogspot or any other social media.

Eventually, the heat of the burner will turn your cold water into a pan of boiling hot, crystal clear liquid that has come alive.

This is the point where I demonstrate how you can turn perfectly boiled water into a fun work of art.  Perhaps you thought the only entities who could create clouds are God or mother nature.  I'm here to prove you wrong.  Chef G. can make clouds and so can you.

Before I get to that, it's time for a commercial message from a kind sponsor of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

***********

Indeed, the BK-150 is so sharp it can cut butter.

************

Yup, I suppose you could say I've sold out.  I prefer to view it as increasing my revenue stream so that I can continue providing important cooking information to the general public.  Yes, The Chef G. Cooking Channel's ratings have leveled out at something like a million viewers per episode.  That's not enough.  I need more to support my lavish lifestyle.  Therefore, I am accepting ads from any food-related sponsor who is willing to pay.  Sure, my rates are high, but not as high as Superbowl ads.

************

Now, let's proceed to the FUN part of boiling water.

On a morning that is 15-degrees below zero (F), you can take the pan of boiling water out onto the back deck and throw it into the air.  You will be amazed at the ice crystals that immediately form and fall to the ground.  You'll be even more amazed at the cloud you just created.

   

CHEF G.'S GREATEST HITS ALBUM

Hi folks. Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a Triple Crown winning seahorse to be back with Episode #51 of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.

I already know what you're thinking:  "Are you high on something, Chef G.?  A seahorse could NEVER beat a field of highly trained, thoroughbred land-horses in the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont.  Maybe one of those races, but not all three."

"Never say NEVER," is my reply.  Look at ME, for example.  People used to say I was a loser who would never amount to anything in the competitive celebrity chef industry.  Well, those people are eating crow droppings now.  Like that hypothetical seahorse, I too am a Triple Crown winner.  Against nearly impossible odds, I have beaten a host of highly trained, thoroughbred TV chefs to become the first winner of the Lifetime Culinary Triple Crown.

In 2021, I won the "Thumbs-Up Award" for excellence in cooking.  (Episode 16)

 

My efforts in preparing a gigantic chunk of meat in Episode 31 earned me the "Steakmaster Award" in 2022.

Last month (Episode #50), I became a "Bow Thai Award" winner for only the second Thai dish I ever cooked.  You've got to have a lot of food knowledge for that kind of achievement, and I've got it. 

************

I hate myself for being such a shameless braggart about being an acclaimed professional chef, but not enough to prevent me from bragging about my wine expertise as well.  Like many pretentious cooks, I've been lauded for my ability to pair fine wines with delicious food.

In Episode #14, I provided links to my early bike touring reviews of local wines.  (Yup, I'm also an amateur bike rider.)  The Academy of Winos rewarded my writing with numerous "Wine Oscars" in the category of Best Campsite Wine Reviews.

After that, I expanded into video bike touring wine reviews.  The videos didn't work out so well at first, because I had zero visual appeal.  Yet I persevered with hard work and increased ridiculousness.  In the end, both of the following videos earned me prestigious "Winey Awards."  I'm sure you'll agree that two "Wineys" is quite an achievement for a dude who doesn't even like wine.

 

************

Anyway, it's a new year, and I sincerely thank you for tuning in to this Greatest Hits episode.  Believe it or not, I am celebrating my Sixth Anniversary of Chefly Blogging.  Almost four years of that time has been here on the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Before that, I had a gig on a different site, but I got kicked off of that one for being too "hostile."  What's up with that?

Again, thank you for helping me celebrate six years of cooking brilliance.  Good night, and may you enjoy many delicious meals in 2025.

P.S.  I'll be back soon with an actual recipe.  Count on it.