SUBSTANDARD COOKING THE EASY WAY (Featuring A Special Guest Host)

  

Hello fans of the Chef G. Cooking Channel!  My name is Chef L., and I am beyond grateful to be the very first guest host in the history of this illustrious program.  I definitely do not deserve such an honor, considering I'm not very smart and I have no personality, but Chef G. didn't show up for work today and I was the only person the producers could scrounge up on such short notice.

Before you turn to a different channel, please allow me a minute to establish my cooking credentials.  Basically, they can be summed up in three words: Not. Very. Good.  One food critic said it best with this scathing assessment.

"Chef L under-seasons, under-washes, under-cooks, and under-understands almost every food he touches.  What he doesn't under-cook, he fuc#ing burns.  His favorite ingredient seems to be grease and his food hygiene practices are beyond gross."  -Chef Ramsay*

 

Pretty harsh, right?  Personally, I didn't think Chef Ramsay* needed to resort to crude language but, overall, his review was fair.  He's right.  I do not understand recipes, I'm not versed in food terminology, and I have no confidence in myself or my cooking skills.

Despite all that, Chef G. must have thought I'd still be a satisfactory guest host.  I'm fairly sure he thought my low self-esteem would provide a nice contrast to his bombastic personality.  I'm VERY sure he knew my low-level cooking abilities would make him look even better than he already thinks he is.  And I'm POSITIVELY sure he believes my ineptitude will provide a boost to The Chef G. Cooking Channel's ratings.  

(I snooped in Chef G.'s office this morning and found some evidence to back up that last sentence.  I hope I don't get in trouble for posting it here for all the world to see.)

    

The higher-ups in the Chef G. organization have been concerned about the viewership plateau since 2022.   From a corporate perspective, a measly one or two-million viewers will not attract the big advertising revenue needed to support Chef G.'s lavish lifestyle.  It looks like they expect guest hosts to bring the number of viewers up into the billions.

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As the first of the guest hosts, I'm feeling a lot of pressure.  Clearly, I've got some work to do.  Let's see what I can whip up with only an hour's notice before going on-air.  

I shuffled through the refrigerator and cupboards to find some food I couldn't possibly screw up.  Thank goodness I found something produced by one of my most reliable colleagues in the foodie world--the great Chef Campbell.  If you aren't familiar with Chef Campbell, I can tell you he's the purveyor of the best-selling soups in the United States of A.  He makes dozens and dozens of soup varieties that are easy for substandard chefs like me to prepare.  The guy is a genius.

  

This one will do quite nicely today.

At first glance, it might look like a pretty simple dish to cook but, upon closer inspection, you will see some subtle creativity in my soup technique.

The first thing I did was empty Chef Campbell's Chunky New England Clam Chowder (with 12 oz. of protein per can) into a pan.  It's got the clam protein, vegetables, thickeners, and chemicals all in one gelatinous mass, so you don't have to waste your time cutting and mixing all that stuff up yourself.  

Next, I added my own special touches.  Without them, MY soup creation would be nothing other than a Chef Campbell creation.  I don't want that, and neither do you food lovers out there.

The video didn't really show how most of the gelatinous mass came out of the can.  I'll tell you it was a big blob.  Afterwards, I saw another gelatinous blob on my TV.  It reminded me of what was simmering on my stove, so I took a couple pictures.

A gelatinous mass that ate energy so it could grow into a terrifying monster

I tried to imagine if Chef G.'s skillful hands could have incorporated  the monster into a delicious work of art.  Alas, Jonny Quest, Dr. Quest, Race Bannon, Hadji, and Bandit destroyed it, so I guess we'll never know. 

Gelatinous Mass Killers

With medium-low heat and frequent stirring, the gelatinous mass in my pan cooked down to something that looked more like soup and less like a ghostly blob.  I sensed some serious deliciousness ahead.  I ladled a bowlful of the soup-like substance and dug in.  I used an extra-large spoon for maximum intake.

MMMMmmmm good!  That's some fine soup.  The only drawback was how it constantly stuck to my beard and moustache.

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I am proud of myself for rising to the Chef G. Cooking Channel's challenge.  I was lucky to have prepared the best dish of my entire life.  Even the amazing Chef G. himself was impressed.  In fact, he e-mailed me a message of congratulations.  To say "I'm humbled" would be a serious understatement.  I'm going to print the e-mail, frame it, and treasure it for the rest of my life.

A screen shot of the congratulatory e-mail I received from Chef G.

Thank you for tuning in today.  I don't know if Chef G. will be back from his impromptu sabbatical next month, or the next month, or the next month.  Maybe there will be a series of guest hosts in his place.  Maybe not.  Anything is possible.  I guess that mysteriousness is another example of Chef G.'s super-smartness and universal appeal. 

Now, please stay tuned for a word from one our kind sponsors.

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************End of Advertising Supplement************ 

*Footnote: The food critic mentioned earlier in the program would be Chef Goober Ramsay, not the other famously foul-mouthed Chef Ramsay of Fox-TV fame.