BE IT RESOLVED: CHEF G. IS A HACK WHO DESERVES NO CELEBRITY CHEF STATUS AT ALL: (THE DEBATE OF THE CENTURY)

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a worm in a compost pile to be here.  That's because I have a very special episode for you.  My tribe of Chef G-niuses all over the world have been begging for a celebrity chef debate for years.  They want to know who deserves their vote for President of the United States' Celebrity Chef Club (POTUSCCC).  Well, when you beg, I deliver.

I contacted my toughest culinary rival--Chef Gordo Ramses--and challenged him to a one-on-one battle of wits and intelligence.  I told him about my vision of the greatest, nastiest, no-holds-barred, celebrity chef debate of all time.  

He was hesitant at first, and for good reason--he's still reeling from the ignominious beat-down I gave him in last month's steak grilling contest. (See Chef G. Cooking Channel Episode #62) 

He let his guard down when I told him the debate could achieve the highest viewership ratings in the history of celebrity chef debates.  Then he readily agreed.  Chef Ramses is not only vain, but also a bigtime publicity hound.   

I offered the broadcasting rights to The Cooking Channel, The Food Network, PBS, and every other broadcaster of cooking programs, but, incredibly, they all passed on the chance to air the debate.  They thought it would be, as one network bigwig said, "beneath the dignity of a legitimate purveyor of food information."  

Fine, it's their loss and my gain.  I'm going to post the transcript of the debate right here on the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  You're welcome.

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I should mention that I have a secret weapon to unleash on my opponent.  Chef Ramses doesn't know that I learned the art of argumentation in a high school debate class.  I believe I got a B+ grade so, yeah, I have skills.  I will utilize those skills to CRUSH him.  When all is said and done, I will be more famous than ever before.  I'll be wealthier too, because the winner gets a $100 shopping spree at the Spiral Food Co-op in Hastings, Minnesota. 

Since the debate is being aired on my blog, I got to choose the emcee and moderator.  In the interest of fairness, I selected a highly-respected and totally-neutral food expert for that role.  His name is Arlo and he is well known for his voracious appetite and for being willing to eat almost anything--including dog food, sticks, leaves, crabapples, unidentifiable bones, and other stuff in my yard.  Given the opportunity, he would be even more adventurous of an eater than Andrew Zimmern.  I'm pretty sure no animal blood, guts, or reproductive organs would be off-limits to my new best friend.  That said, I turn the mic over to my completely unbiased debate moderator.  Take it away, Arlo.

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Thank you, Chef G., for your nice introduction and for all the good food you give me.

Yes, my name is Arlo, and I am proud to introduce the contestants for tonight's debate.

In the corner to my left is one of the world's most famous celebrity chefs.  Chef Gordo Ramses has numerous television shows and he's pretty damn smug about his hoity-toity, fancy pants, ultra-expensive, Michelin-starred restaurants that feature dishes no regular people eat.  How about a warm welcome for Chef Gordo Ramses!

[A smattering of mild applause and quiet boos.]

You'll need a lot of money to eat at any of his restaurants.

   

Chef Ramses' opponent, in the corner to my right, needs no introduction.  Chef G. is just a humble, lovable egotist who makes food for the common man.  The entire foodie world knows him from his amazing cooking blog, his delicious recipes, his entertaining podcast, a couple of #1 hit songs on the Billboard (Billbored?) Charts, and the great food he serves in his unpretentious restaurant.  To my knowledge, Chef Gordo Ramses has NEVER written a song, much less a #1 hit.  Just sayin'.

[Wild cheering and very loud applause from the hometown crowd of Chef G-niuses.]

Chef G.'s unpretentious restaurant is hidden on the backstreets of the Boston-Cambridge area of Massachusetts.  (Photo credit to Mary B., who lives in that area.)

It's time for me to quit flapping my cute jaws and get this debate underway.

  

To refresh your memories, the topic is:  "Be it Resolved: Chef G. is a hack who deserves no celebrity chef status at all."

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We'll start with Chef Gordo, who will be taking the Affirmative Position.  Chef Gordo, you have two minutes to present your case.

CHEF GORDO:  Thank you, sir . . . or puppy . . . or shill for Chef G . . . or whatever you are.  I am here today to tell you Chef G. is many things--fraud, charlatan, smooth talking conman, braggart, fucking doofus--who will do ANYTHING for attention, fame, and money.  The one thing he is NOT is a legitimate chef.  He's shit!  He's a fucking clown!  A monkey! The guy has never studied the art of cooking under any of the great European, Asian, African, South American, Australian, or Antarctic chefs.  In fact, I don't even know a single AMERICAN chef who knows of his existence.  My advice to everybody under his cult-like spell is to quit watching the Chef G. Cooking Channel immediately, then start watching one of my many cooking competitions on your local FOX-TV station.  I yield the rest of my two minutes.

ARLO:  Thank you, Chef Gordo.  Next, we'll give Chef G. two minutes for his rebuttal.

CHEF G:  I mean no disrespect to Chef Gordo, but that guy couldn't recognize good food unless it had at least 30 ingredients and took at least three hours to prepare and cook.  That's messed up.  Most people don't want to wait that long to eat.  They MIGHT wait that long in a restaurant, but only if they are with good friends and had a constant flow of martinis and Manhattans to facilitate lively conversation and to ease the pain of horrendous hunger.  Thank you for listening. I relinquish the rest of my time.

ARLO:  Thank YOU, Chef G., for telling it like it is.  You are amazing.  Even so, I suppose I have to allow one minute for Chef Gordo's follow-up.

CHEF GORDO:  I surrender.  Chef G. outdebated me fair and square.  His logic is too solid to argue against.  I'm convinced Chef G. is the greatest celebrity chef of all time.  THERE, I said it.  Now, just please leave me alone.

ARLO:  Holy cow!  I did not expect this result.  It was as disappointing as spending $10,000 dollars for a front row seat at a major prize fight, only to witness a knockout in the first round.  WTF?  

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Okay, I am now working my way to Chef G.'s locker room for a post-debate interview.  Oh look, I found him.  "Dude, you dominated this debate in every aspect--offense, defense, and special teams.  How did you do it?" 

CHEF G.:  In a word--"preparation."  It's all about preparation.  I prepare ingredients when I cook, and I prepare words when I debate.  I knew Chef Gordo couldn't match my preparation.  He had no game plan.  Show me a chef with no game plan and I'll show you a loser.

ARLO:  "Good answer, Chef G."

I moved on from that in-depth interview and entered Chef Gordo's locker room.  Sadly, it has a powerful aura of defeat.  "What happened, Chef Gordo?" I asked.   

CHEF GORDO:  I don't know what the hell hit me.  I was relying on my trademark barrage of foul language to intimidate Chef G. and send him cowering in fear.  That tactic always works on the amateur chefs who appear on my TV cooking competitions, but that Chef G. guy remained calm and composed.  Instead of crying, he went on the counterattack.  I had no answer to that.

ARLO:  There you have it folks.  The greatest celebrity chef debate in history ends with Chef G. knocking out Chef Gordo in the first round.

I'm thankful that Chef G. and Mrs. Chef G. adopted me and love me.  Also, I thank everybody here at The Chef G. Cooking Channel for watching this debate.

Chef G.'s Viral Music Videos

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and I'm happier than a great white shark feeding on the leg of a California surfer to be here.  That's because this episode will be like nothing you've ever seen here on The Chef G. Cooking Channel.  It will feature another example of my incredible versatility.  

Today I'm not going to brag about my amazing-ness in the kitchen.  I'm not going to brag about all the other amazing artistic skills you've seen on this blog either.  Why should I?  You already know about the flowing wordsmithery of my prose, the surreal imagery of my poems, the riveting watchability of my videos, the professional-grade quality of my photography, the beauty of my crayon drawings, the intelligence of my podcast, etc. etc. etc.

True, all those things are pretty gosh-darned wonderful, but I have recently become famous for another incredible artistic skill:  I am part of a songwriting team whose recent hits are dominating the Billboard Hot 100.  If Casey Kasem was still alive, our songs would also be #1 and #2 on his American Top 40 radio broadcast.  In case you are out of touch with today's exciting new world of music, here's the story.  

Chef G. collaborated with his equally weird brother, Chef Rickron.  Based on a couple poems Chef G. wrote for his blog, Chef Rickron created the music with the aid of Artificial Intelligence.  Chef Rickron has copyright ownership, and he kindly gave permission to post the songs here.

Better than that, Chef G., relying on his infinite creativity, produced YouTube videos of those hit songs.  Both of them have become internet sensations.   

I know you're excited to see and hear the videos, so I'll keep the introductions as brief as possible.  Rock on, dudes and chicks!

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I wrote the lyrics for "The Bunny Bread Song" for my last post (episode 64).  The poem is based on a favorite brand of bread from my childhood.  Chef Rickron saw the words and used his technical wizardry to put it to music.  The song is currently #2 on the Billboard charts. 

Here's the bread.  Next comes the song.

Number ONE on the Billboard Hot 100 is the Chef G./Chef Rickron hit "Ode To My Morning Cup of Coffee."  The poem appeared on episode #38 of The Chef G. Cooking Channel.

As the title of the song suggests, I really like coffee.  See and hear the song by clicking on the video below.

 

Look, I hate Artificial Intelligence as much as the next guy, but I'm willing to accept that it has some positive applications in today's world.  One of the MOST positive applications is making Chef G. even more famous and well-loved than ever.

Thank you for watching.

CHEF G. CHEFSPLAINS BREAD

 

Hi folks, Chef G. here for another amazing episode of the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  All I can say is that I'm happier than a rabbit munching in Mrs. Chef G.'s garden to be with you once again.  And let me tell you, the jaws of those furry, big-eared, cotton-tailed rodents can chew with amazing speed.  In fact, even before the garden plants came in, I was watching with amazement as our neighborhood rabbits ate dandelions on my lawn.  They'd pick the stem close to the ground, lift their heads upward, and nibble the rest of the weed in the same way as The Lady and the Tramp slurped spaghetti.  Unfortunately, the only photograph I have of the munching bunnies is in my memory.  So, if you want to see what I saw, you'll have to settle for a crayon sketch.

Yup, that's exactly how they do it.

So, what does all that stuff about bunnies have to do with bread?  Patience, Chef G.-niuses; allow me to explain.

Back in the 1960's, most kids grew up with the kind of white bread produced, most famously, by the Wonder Bread Company.  I was one of those little punks.

Ah yes, I remember the packaging with all those colorful dots.

Across the country, there were many regional brands that made bland bread too.  I was lucky enough to live in Marquette, Michigan--the home of a large Bunny Bread factory.  Sure, Bunny Bread tasted just like Wonder Bread, but I liked Bunny Bread better because it had a cartoon rabbit as its mascot. 

An internet photo of the Marquette Bunny Bread factory before it went out of business and was demolished.

I managed to survive without Bunny Bread in the ensuing years.  In fact, I discovered bread made in local bakeries and such exotic things as rye bread, crusty bread, sourdough bread, multi-grained bread, and other varieties.  HOOO BOY! All of those breads are tasty.

[An aside: I have a little secret for you.  It's a secret that very few celebrity chefs will tell you: Hotdog buns, hamburger buns, bratwurst buns, hoagie buns, cudighi buns, slider buns, ciabatta buns, kaiser buns, dinner rolls, baguettes, etc., etc., etc. etc.--well, they're all just bread in different shapes and sizes.] 

  

Going back to my Bunny Bread story, imagine my surprise when I was on a bicycle tour along the Mississippi River from New Orleans to St.Paul.  The surprise happened inside a grocery store in the small town of Woodville, Mississippi.  I found some cheap deli meat to make sandwiches in my cheap motel room. Next, I needed to find some bread. When I got to the bread department, I almost crapped my bike shorts when I saw this:

"Either a southern company bought the Bunny Bread brand and they're still making it," I thought, "or this loaf has been stale and moldy for at least 20 years."  

Turns out, the loaf was soft and fresh.  I made a couple of cheap sandwiches, with cheap bread, in my cheap motel room, and carried the rest of the loaf on my bike for the next couple days.

PART TWO:  Ode to Bunny Bread

Oh, sweet Bunny Bread,

I see you are not dead,

You live in Mississippi,

As well as in my head.

I used to think it was pretty funny,

That bread could be baked by a cartoon bunny,

But now that I am no longer a kid,

I know rabbits didn't bake it, people did.

I know this is some pretty bad verse,

But I assure you, I've written worse,

I simply felt some impromptu inspiration,

To pay tribute to the best bread in all the nation.

PART THREE:  Simple Bread Recipes Anybody Can Make

While this episode is about bread, it isn't about baking bread at home.  That ain't gonna happen on the Chef G. Cooking Channel.  Sure, I love the aroma and the taste of homemade bread, but I'm a stir-fryer, roaster, griller & magician of meat--not a baker.  I just use bread to make things that are delicious. I'm going to tell you about a few such things that I've made lately.

The idea for an episode about bread began when I was shopping in my local mega-grocery store.  The bread aisle had a dizzying display of pure white bread products.  I resisted all of them, though I was tempted to buy a loaf of Bimbo Bread.

DIZZYING!

The only thing I found in the dizzying display that compares to the Bunny Bread Cartoon was the cute baby polar bear cartoon on the Bimbo Soft White Bread package.  I kind of felt bad about tossing the Bimbo product back on the shelf.

Anyway, here are a few simple recipes that use bread.  If I can turn one single person onto the joy of bread, I will consider my life complete. (Unless you have Celiac Disease, gluten allergies, diabetes, or carbohydrate induced obesity.  I sure don't want to have to pay off another multi-million-dollar lawsuit for bad nutrition advice.)

There is no doubt in my mind that the best use of bread is for SANDWICHES.  I love sandwiches.  Grilled cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches, roast beef sandwiches, turkey sandwiches, pastrami sandwiches, baloney (bologna) sandwiches, chicken salad sandwiches, BLT's, Club sandwiches, hot beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes and gravy, Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, Italian meatball sandwiches, Bahn Mi, Po Boys, Bratwursts, hamburgers, I could go on and on.  They're ALL good because bread makes them good.  I think I'd eat squid guts or live slugs as long as they were positioned between a couple pieces of bread with a little butter, mayo, or mustard.

Check out this sandwich.  A couple weeks ago, I slow-grilled a small brisket.  It was delicious.  The next day, I made brisket sliders with the leftovers.

I knew good brisket would result in good brisket sandwiches for the rest of the week.  MMMmmm.

For this recipe, I simply spread a dollop of mustard on a slice of multi-grain bread, tossed a generous amount of freshly sliced deli ham on top, and capped it off with another piece of bread.  You could also add a slice of Muenster cheese and a big lettuce leaf if you want.  I didn't.

For a variation on the above recipe, you can replace the mustard, ham, cheese and lettuce with peanut butter.  That's good too.

Toasting is the simplest way to cook bread.  All you have to do is put a slice in the toaster.  Every American household has a toaster.  But if you want to take toast to a higher level, you will toast the bread on a charcoal grill.  If done correctly, it will be the most delicious piece of toast you've ever had. The following video will instruct you how to do it.

Thank you for reading my super-deep poetry and epistemology on bread.  Rest assured, I'll be back with something even more bizarre very soon.