THIS ONE'S FOR THE KIDS: A Favorite From The Children's Menu

Hi Boys and Girls, my name is Chef G. and I'm a famous celebrity chef.  Do you know what a "celebrity chef" is?  No?  Well, you'll have to ask your mommy and daddy about that because I don't have time to explain it to you today.  For now, let's just say it means I'm your parents' favorite food cooker.  

And on today's show I hope to become YOUR favorite food cooker too, because I'm going to teach you how to make a food every kid in the world loves.  Yup, you guessed it . . . Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with Ham.  YIPPEE!

I know the kitchen can be a scary place, what with all those hot burners and sharp knives and stuff.  I also know your mommies and daddies will be worried about whether you're mature enough to cook by yourself.  This is the time to reassure them by saying something like, "Don't worry parental figures, I am not a child anymore.  I'm almost five years old.  I got this."  They will be so impressed by how cute that sounds. 

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Would you like to know how the idea for this Grilled Cheese Sandwich episode came to be?  No?  Well, I think I'll tell you anyway.  

A few days ago, Mrs. Chef G. and I went for a walk with our doggy.  His name is Diggity and he might be the cutest dog on the planet.  After pooping in the park, Diggity led us across the street to a food truck.  One of the food truck's specialties is Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.  Alas, we had just eaten dinner so I didn't even have a tiny bit of room left in my tummy.

The nice owners of the food truck live right in our neighborhood.

I've had the joneses for a grilled cheese sandwich ever since that day.  Everybody gets that craving once in a while.  Ya know what I mean?  Maybe you've had it for tacos.  Or spaghetti.  Or hotdogs.  Or pizza.  Or liverwurst.  

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Let's start cooking, shall we?

I can't emphasize enough to you little folks about the importance of fresh, high quality ingredients.  What I mean to say is, the goodness of the stuff you put into a meal can be the difference between an okay meal and a great meal.  That is why I STRONGLY URGE you to tell your moms and dads about my new line of Chef G. Branded foods.  I'd advise using this line:  "The Chef G. Brand of foods is not only healthy and delicious, but it's also super-groovy." 

Once again they will again think you are the cutest kid ever (in a Brady Bunch kind of way) and, more importantly, they'll appreciate your excellent advice.

So, here are the fine Chef G. ingredients we'll be using today:

World class cheese

    

The best bread money can buy

Beautiful smoked meat from the leg of a pig

Ultra-creamy, hand-churned butter

Zesty Pepper Sauce

Now that we've gathered up all those top-shelf Chef G. Brand Foods, you little punks can roll up your sleeves and get to work.  We'll start with the assembly of the sandwich.

The first step is to grab two slices of "Chef G.'s 13-Grain Bread" and spread a nice layer of "Better Butter By Chef G." onto one side of each slice.  The buttered sides will be the outsides, the sides that come in contact with the grill.

After you've flipped the bread over, you'll have to sneak a sharp knife out of your mommy's knife drawer and slice a few pieces off the end of the brick of "Chef G.'s Cheddar Cheese."  Be very careful.  

You wouldn't want to cut off half of your finger.  That kind of owie is messy
and it hurts.

After cleaning up the blood, place a little "Chef G.'s Deli Ham" on top of the cheese slices.

Next comes the part that will separate your grilled cheese & ham from that run-of-the-mill crap stuff from the kid's menu at Appleby's.   Splash a little hot sauce on there--but not TOO much.  Have you ever taken a swig of hot sauce?  It's really tasty, but it should only be consumed in small quantities by anyone under 4-feet tall.

Can you count to 4?  If so, you're old enough to climb a chair and turn on the burner to heat up your griddle.  Good job!

Now you can put the fully assembled sandwich back on the griddle, butter side down, and relax for a bit while watching the following video for further instruction.

Remember that part when I said to take a sip of "Chef G. Ale?"  If you are under the legal drinking age of 16, please ignore that instruction.  WHAT?  21?  When did that happen?

Yes, kids, it's as easy as that.

Well, not so fast there adolescents and pre-schoolers.  You've probably heard it a billion times from your dictatorial parents, but you really DO need to eat your vegetables with every meal.

Therefore, I'm including a vegetable side dish that will be munchy and easy to make.  Check it out, little dudes and dudettes.

Tell your mom or dad to pick up some broccoli and salad dressing while on their way home from work.  Insist they purchase only the very best--"Chef G.'s BROCCOLI EXTRAORDINAIRE."

And his Italian Dressing, which was especially
 formulated to be slathered over broccoli.

  

Wowie Zowie!  Does that salad look super-rad or what?

 

I think the only thing left to do is to taste our delicious creation.  In fact, that's the title I came up with for the video in which I tasted the delicious creation.  (In the video, you'll be able to see Diggity--the cutest dog on the planet.)

YOUR HOST MAKES A SIMPLE ITALIAN DISH AND SUDDENLY HE WANTS TO BE CALLED CHEF BOY-AR-G.

Hi folks, it's me . . . the Chef Formerly Known as G.   However, I have recently discovered the joys of Italian cooking and I got to thinking I might need a new name.  It would have to be a name that sounds Italian, even though I don't have one iota of Italian ancestry.  (Mrs. Chef G. does though, so maybe that gives me some Italian cred.)

It would have to be a name that proves I've spent spent a few hours intensely studying that country's cuisine.  To be sure, I've looked at a few on-line recipes and I've watched some episodes of cooking shows featuring the food of Italy.  Those television shows were hosted by my fellow celebrity chefs Lidia Bastianich and Mario Batali.  I learned a lot from them.   I learned to take my time and pay attention to detail as I cook.  I learned that Italian cooking is not just pizza or pasta smothered in spaghetti sauce.  I learned to appreciate the value of locally sourced ingredients.  I learned that Mario confessed to being a sexual harasser after he suddenly resigned from his show. 

So I came up with a few good Italian names for myself:

• Chef Michelan-G-lo
• Chef Leonardo da Vin-G
• Chef Quentin Taran-G-no
• Chef Frederico Felli-G
• Chef Martin Scor-G-G

When all was said and done, I settled on Chef Boy-ar-G in honor of the most famous canned food chef of all time.  Think about it.  His Beefaroni, Spaghetti & Meatballs, Beef Ravioli in Meat Sauce, and  Pizza Maker Kits are legendary in the processed food business.

Lets get to my recipe, shall we?  What I'll be making today is a very basic, very traditional, Italian meal that is made in Italy every day by real life Italians.  

And the only ingredients are Roma tomatoes and yellow onions grown in Minnesota, garlic grown in California, Italian virgin olive oil that seems to have a mix of Spanish and Portugese olive oil mixed in,  Italian flat-leaf parsley grown who-knows-where, Minnesota chicken breast, and the best imported Italian pasta I could find at the Hy-Vee store.

I made the pasta al dente according to package directions, but with a little olive oil and extra salt.

Someday I really want to make my own pasta, but for now these spaghetti noodles, a full 24" long, made from course-ground semolina, are going to be the next best thing.

The next thing to do is to heat up some olive oil in a fry pan, add one chopped up chicken breast, and saute until browned.  Remove the chicken and wipe the oil from the pan.

Add fresh olive oil to the same pan, add the chopped onions, and saute them for a few minutes.  Add the garlic and saute that stuff for another minute.

Looking good already.  Smelling even better.

Add the tomatoes, parsley, and previously cooked chicken.  Season with salt, pepper, and oregano. Stir in the pasta.  Then it will look like this:

It looks DE-licious.

Serve it in a bowl and it looks even DE-liciouser.

Chef Boy-ar-G signing off, and thank you for watching.

DOOFY CHEF CHOWS DOWN AT THREE RESTAURANTS IN THE BALTIMORE-WASHINGTON, D.C. METRO AREA

Hi folks, Chef G. here once again.  Thank you for that enthusiastic applause but, gosh, I don't deserve it.  I'm just a regular guy like you.  The only difference is that I just happen to be world famous for my highly dubious food knowledge and questionable cooking skills.  That's all. 

Nevertheless, you have every right to be excited about today's food topic.  I am going to take you on a culinary trip from the comfort and safety of the Mid-west to the dangerously hip East Coast.  Specifically, I'm talking about the Chesapeake Bay area.

My brother and I had the good fortune to accompany my septuagenarian dad to a business convention in Washington D.C. seven years ago.  We had a blast.  We visited all the cool government buildings, museums, monuments and other tourist attractions.  We learned and rode the subway system.  And we checked out a couple of interesting restaurants.

I was not yet a famous food blogger at that time but, thanks to a few pictures and my Blogspot journal of the trip, I will be able to tell you a little bit about those restaurants.  

As if that isn't exciting enough, I made another trip to that area two years ago.  By then, my dad was an octogenarian and I drove him to Baltimore so that he could attend a memorial service.  We had a great father/son trip.  We told each other stories and did some serious bonding.  My dad's ultimate goal, though, was to pay last respects to his best friend since childhood.  My main goal was to taste a hugely popular Chesapeake Bay specialty for the first time in my life.

WASHINGTON, DC -- 2014 

Yeah, there was the White House and our nation's Capitol building and the Supreme Court and the Smithsonian and the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial and the National Spy Museum and the Arlington National Cemetery and the Kennedy Center for the Arts.  They were all well and good, but my brother and I escaped all that for the chance to visit BEN'S CHILI BOWL.

While my dad was in one of his meetings, we aimed ourselves to that iconic Washington D.C. eatery.  It took three subway changes, but we eventually found our way to this little diner located in an African American district that had seen some pretty challenging times.

Such famous people as Duke Ellington, Miles Davis, Ella Fitzgerald, Nat King Cole, Redd Foxx, Martin Luther King and Barak Obama have eaten here.  Damn, that's a pretty talented list of clientele.  How could we possibly resist going to such a well-respected restaurant?

On the day we visited, it was chaos in there.  I suspect it is chaos every day.  The place was incredibly busy and overcrowded.  The line of customers extended well beyond the front door.  Customer orders were written up on little pieces of paper at the counter.  About ten workers were flying around behind the counter putting together orders and, as far as I could see, there was only one cash register.

And here's the thing:  it is NOT a fancy restaurant.  No, it's more like a fast food joint that serves nothing but chili, hot dogs, chili dogs and French fries.  That's it.  That's the entire menu.  And there were a hundred people in front of us waiting for it.

This is a stock photo of the place.  When I was there, it was so busy that I forgot to take a picture.  

This internet photo of the chili looks exactly as I remember it, and it was awesome.

There wasn't a single seat available inside, so my brother and I took our chili outside.  We parked our asses on the curb in front of the restaurant and shoveled the tasty stuff into our mouths.  I had the chili con carne, my brother, being a vegetarian, had the vegetarian version.  I found my chili to be a welcome departure from the tomato-ey stuff one finds almost everywhere else.  Not that I dislike tomato-based chili, but Ben's Chili was thick and rich and, somehow, more exotic.  Plus, I think our curbside seating arrangement enhanced the deliciousness.

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Ben's Chili was a great dining experience, but it wasn't the only one I had that day.  I got hungry again six hours later.  Alone, I ventured a block or two from our hotel on the north side of the city to a Cajun restaurant that looked pretty interesting.  Days earlier I had seen people eating in the patio area in front of a place called "Hot and Juicy Crawfish."  No kidding, that was the name.

Hot and Juicy Crawfish served shrimp, crab, crawfish, lobster, clams, etc. by the pound.  They cooked it in hot sauce (YOU choose just how hot you want it) and they serve it in a big plastic bag.

At first I ordered crawfish, but when the server said crawfish were out of season and they only had frozen crawfish, I changed my mind.  I ordered FRESH shrimp instead.

Several minutes later she returned with a big plastic bag of shrimp along with a bib, a piece of corn-on-the cob, a Cajun beer, a roll of paper towels, and a bucket.  The shrimp were whole shrimps--heads, shells and all.  They were stupendous!  By the time I was done eating, the bucket was loaded with shrimp shells, wet-wipes, a bare corn cob, and a whole lotta paper towels.

Before this day I had never envisioned eating jumbo shrimp out of a plastic bag.

 

The server kindly took this picture of me with my bib and my bag of shrimp.

BALTIMORE -- 2019

I had already been a celebrity chef for more than a year before my trip to Baltimore.  Surprisingly, I didn't write about this eating experience on my previous blog before I got kicked off of it.  That's OK, now is the time.

For a number of years I had been hearing about how great crab cakes are.  They are loved by foodies all over the United States, and it seems as though no crab cakes are as universally praised as Maryland crab cakes.  Apparently it's all about the quantity and quality of the Atlantic blue crabs that are harvested from Chesapeake Bay.

Personally, I could never understand the frenzy over a lump made of crab meat, bread, egg, mayo, Worcestershire sauce, mustard and seasonings.  I mean, all of those ingredients are fine individually, but I just couldn't get excited about all of them combined.  On the other hand, I like meatballs, so maybe I should think of a crab cake as a meatball from the sea.

I could not wait to try one.  But I didn't want to try just any old crab cake.  I wanted to find the very best crab cake in all of Baltimore, though I didn't really have a plan for doing so.  

That's where a woman I met at the memorial service comes into the story.  She had taken piano lessons from my dad's best friend at the Maryland School for the Blind several decades ago and had kept in touch with him all these years.  (My dad's best friend was also an accomplished concert pianist.)  I sat next to her at the church and we talked for a while before the service started.  When she learned my dad and I had driven all the way from the mid-west, she turned to me and said, "have you tried any of our crab cakes yet?"

"No," I replied, "but I WANT to.  Do you have any recommendations?"

She named two places.  One of them was in the inner city.  The other one, she apologized, "is way out by the airport in a nondescript building."

"Well, that works out fine for us," I replied, "because we just happen to be staying in a hotel near the airport."

I'd call that serendipity.  First, because I needed such crab cake advice.  Second, because we happened to meet a local who knew something about crab cakes.  Third, because the restaurant was so conveniently located.  And fourth, I presumed that since the woman was blind, her other senses were enhanced.  (I'm sure I've read about that phenomenon in the past.)  Therefore, I had extra confidence in her endorsement of G&M Restaurant. 

Indeed, I Googled "G&M Restaurant" and learned that it not only was about a mile from our hotel, but it was rated (by some polls) as Maryland's #1 place to go for crab cakes.  Heck, you can even order their crab cakes on-line and have them shipped to anyplace in the country.  I was convinced.  "Oh yes!  Gimme some," I thought as I drooled at my computer.

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"Gimme some," I repeated once we were seated at the G&M Restaurant and the server started telling us about their specialty dish--crab cakes.  My dad ordered the crab cake meal too, though he wasn't as enthusiastic about it as I was.

I enjoyed a locally brewed ale while waiting for the main course.  That's completely normal for me.  My dad ordered a cocktail, the name of which I can't remember, but that seemed very unusual for him.  I think I've only seen him have a glass of wine with dinner.  That's not the point of this paragraph though.  The point is that we couldn't wait for the crab cakes to arrive.

And it took quite a long time for them to arrive.  I calmed my impatience with the belief that the chefs were attending to every painstaking detail in order to send the very best possible crab cakes to our table.  I KNEW we were in for a real treat!

Oh man, look that that!  Beer, coleslaw, dinner roll, steamed broccoli, and a crab cake
the size and weight of a baseball.  GIMME SOME!

There's my dad preparing to dig into his meal.

I really WANTED to like the crab cakes, but I'm sorry to have to report that I did NOT like the crab cakes.

I did not like them with a beer,

I did not like them there or here,

I did not like them with rubbery slaw,

It's too hard on my tongue and jaw.

I do not mean to sound like a troll,

But I did not like them with a roll,

Even broccoli could not save them,

I don't think I'll ever crave them.

I did not like them near the airport,

I fear anyplace I ate them they'd fall short.

Perhaps my expectations were too high,

That is something I cannot deny.

If ever I am offered them again,

I'll likely toss them in a garbage bin,

I just don't like them Sam I Am,

For crab cakes, I don't give a damn.

Perhaps I was too hard on crab cakes in my Dr. Seuss-like poem.  I have little doubt G&M's crab cakes really are among the very best.  Crab cakes just aren't for me.  That's all I'm sayin'.  (I guess it's similar to when I build up Upper Peninsula pasties as some kind of unbelievably tasty regional food, only to have somebody tell me, "Meh, they're OK I guess, but nothing all THAT great.")  

Even so, I'm still glad I at least tried some authentic Maryland crab cakes.

SALADS, SIDE-DISHES & CONDIMENTS: Chef G. Can Make 'em All

Hi folks, Chef G. here, and on today's episode of  The Chef G. Cooking Channel we're going to do something a little different.  I've heard some rumblings from my tens of fans that I'm "too one-dimensional."  All I do, according to some of you, is cook a bunch of main-course dishes that are heavy on meat, salt, grease, and BBQ sauce.  OUCH!

Message sent, message received.  (Oh yeah, I have the power to read your minds.)

Today I'm going to demonstrate my culinary diversity.  I can do vegetables.  I can do starches.  I can do the salad course.  I can make my own condiments.

I'm not going to tell you HOW I make them, that would take too long.  I just wanted to show you that I CAN make them.

SALADS

My pasta salad is delicious.  If the greatest chefs of Italy could taste it, they would throw up their hands in defeat.  Serve it at your next bratwurst party and you will be praised forever and ever.

 

Cucumber salad with vinegar, sugar, bell peppers, onion and spices.  It
pairs well with pretty much EVERYTHING.

 

Sure, anybody can whip up a generic coleslaw, but it's so much more rewarding to chop up
every ingredient yourself with a steak knife.

I made two versions of coleslaw on this occasion.  One with apple cider vinegar (Mrs. Chef G's preference) and another with a mayonnaise-based sauce (My preference).  Coleslaw goes great with Barbequed ribs and, as Colonel Sanders will attest, fried chicken. 

SIDE DISHES

Potatoes, onions, butter, lots of salt & pepper, wrapped up in foil and grilled over coals, create what I affectionately call "Potato Concoction."  It makes a great companion to steaks, chops, and burgers.

MMMMMMMMMM!  A little bit of char on the potato and onion only adds to the flavor.

Are you making a Chinese dish tonight?  Fried rice with bits of onion, garlic, carrot and broccoli is the perfect side-dish.

CONDIMENTS

I think it is even more satisfying to chop salsa ingredients with a steak knife than it is to chop coleslaw ingredients with a steak knife.  It's a labor of love.  It's fun too.

I dig it!

View from above.  Pico de gallo.  Put it on any Mexican dish, but ESPECIALLY tacos and burritos.

It'll stay fresh in your fridge for about a week. 

For best results, simply scoop it up with a tortilla chip.  

The next condiment was only suggested to me in the last couple of months.  An old friend from high school asked if I've ever tried Bacon Jam.  I hadn't.  But his description of a mixture of bacon rendered in a cast iron pan, onions, garlic, brown sugar and balsamic vinegar was too much to resist.  I've made three batches since then.  I burned the brown sugar the first time.  With adjustments, they've gotten better each time.  Thanks, Kevin.

It starts with the bacon.

It ends with a jam that has nothing to do with any kind of fruit.

When it's done, you can put it on burgers or omelets or whatever your imagination desires.

After seeing all these delicious salads, side-dishes and condiments, I know you folks at home are dying to know how to make them.  Great news!  You can obtain all of the amazing recipes with my personal assurance that every one of them have been perfected over the course of time to provide extreme pleasure to your taste buds.  So, I'll wrap up today's show with a few simple instructions for ordering my incredibly delicious recipes.

[Sorry, those instructions were flagged as "Phishing" by Google, so I removed them even though it was completely obvious that those instructions were nothing more than a joke.]